Some Kind of Feelin

I felt like I was back home. Where I was supposed to be.

It was just what I needed, to felt like I belonged, without

breaking any rules, without having anything to hide. I just

needed some kind of feelin to reassure my self existence.

I am still here. It wasn't just a bad night mare, sht really is

getting rough, but I'm still here, and I know this 'cause i 

can still feel. I'm sorry Mr. Chambers but, "I think therefore

 I am" just doesn't cut it right now. Philosophy is not the 

answer for this kind of question. 

'Sanks G'ford,

'Sanks Fellas'

204109

6351

6543

2800230

whats next?

Not In My Right State Of Mind

The other day I was on my way home, on the bus. It was about 8:30, I believe, and was already dark outside. I don't like how the days are shorter, and the nights are longer. Well it was only the bus driver, me, and one other guy on the bus. I was reading my book on the bus but i stopped because i knew my stop was coming up. I'm trying to look outside the windows to see where we are. Since it was pretty dark it was hard to tell 'cause the neighborhood looks pretty similar. I see where we are and start thinking about when I'm going to pull the wire. I'm looking towards the front from sitting just behind the back doors, and i kind of see the stop sign flicker on, as if someone pulled it, but incorrectly, or too hard. I look at the other only guy on the bus and i didn't see him move at all. In my head I'm thinking if he might have pressed the handicap alarm on the side in the front. So I'm not worrying about pulling the wire because i guess he was going to get off at the same stop as me. Then i glance over and we miss my stop. I check the front again and the stop light is turned off, like it never was pulled to begin with. I call out to the bus driver "You missed my stop!" and he pulls over to the side and lets me out. 

I'm on the side of the road, in the dark, not close to my stop, walking home. I don't like how this area doesn't have enough street lights. As I'm walking home I'm trying to figure out what happened back there? Maybe my eyes just saw what it wanted to see.. but i don't remember being THAT tired. The whole cold walk home i was confused and scared. 

I don't understand...

"My unthought through actions of stupidity,"

I over did it.

Everything was just.. overwhelming, wasn't it? Once again I was the bad cop. It always comes around the next day, when I'm back to my senses, and have time to think about last nights conversation. "Why did I have to mention that when I knew it would end that way?". There I go again, not thinking, just acting.. acting stupid. Saying the first frustrated thing that boils up in my mind. And I'm here, next morning thinking what was I DOING?! Mad at myself, 'cause I know I pushed it. Nothing would have happened if I didn't have to open my mouth to begin with. I should have just kept it all in, no matter how much sht bugged me. I knew better than that.. or at least I thought I did. I think I got scared. Scared of loosing you even more than I already had. Yet, I was trying so hard to avoid the very thing I was doing. Pushing you away even further. You can't imagine how bad I feel, or how sorry I am. (I hate the over use of that word.)But I wholeheartedly mean it.

That whole time we were together that day, I did not even realize the date. October 16th... A day I told myself I would not forget. Can't believe its been a year now. It didn't seem that long ago, since I still remember how it went down, and how it went the day after, and the day after that. Kanye's concert would have been a lot different, and seeing you act "that way" the day after that... well that changed A LOT for me. I'm not even going to go into the "what if"s, 'cause everybody knows that you can't change the past, so why bother trying to make it up in your mind and stress over something that's not going to happen? I say don't.

Situations been messed up so badly that, 'nothing even matters' no more. What's done is done. And what left is there possibly left for me to screw up?

I got to look past all of this, and learn from it. I've already been doing a good job with covering up my emotions, and looking pretty happy. I'm not going to let myself mope around. No more of that. Just learn. Just find happiness.

Preview for next post

I'll be sharing a few words on my experience with the new nano, when i'm not so busy.

Love You Baby

Aaliyah Jai RiveraCommon' , how cute is this picture? Can't believe you're almost one years old. You got two more months baby, and you'll be at a full digit number. Love you baby, don't grow up too fast.

Lost tew teef
Lost my ring!!! SO PISSED
i feel so empty without it.
I LOVED THAT RING!!!
SO ANGRY!

yeah thats all. class is over

For The Moment

Listening to "soldier" by Erykah Badu on my DS. Divided from the majority of the class who is in photography, i'm supposed to be working on my sketch. But its not my fault, they need all the desks right now, so i have no choice but to be sitting here on the computer. I actually think i'm supposed to be apart of the photography side of the class, but because i'm in art in blk A as well i've just been stuck using as much time as i can on my other projects for blk A.

can't wait till its done.

ok media students are removed from the desks and back on the computers. I'm going to finish my project.

Damn..

I'm already bored of my hair..

Maybe if it was shorter in the back, longer in the front, and had more layers, then maybe i'd be a little more satisfied with it for another couple months or so. But my hairs starting to grow, and it isn't as "wow" as it was the day i got it cut. I don't think i want to re-cut it though becuase the 1st hair cut was already expensive enough, and i want to start growing my hair already becuase i at least want to be able to have it up somehow for grad.

I miss running my fingers through my long hair as i combed through the managable tangles and pullled over my hair to one side so i could see what i would be writing...

Once my hair grows back, i think i'd miss being able to dry my short hair so quickly and how it always just stayed in place.

Yeah but i still want my long hair back.. so i could actually style it. Short hair doesn't do much. Or maybe i just haven't demonstrated enough with it just yet.

Here i go, endlessly waiting till my hair grows back.
Damn..