Softening the truth

hmm.
how do i feel about this?

not surprised..

how should i feel about this?

doesn't matter.


My turn.

What are dreams supposed to mean?

My dreams are always about the things my mind is constantly battling with. I don't like it.

Every since, my thoughts can't help but think.. I hate it. I remember this feeling, and where this feeling led me. Fck
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"I am not my hair" - India

If I was my hair I'd be getting taller. But I'm not. Though my hair is growing! Hurrah! A year ago my hair was in the middle of my neck. Now its past my chest! (When I don't curl it)
Coool :)

Ps: I'm tired
Pss: I can't sleep
Psss: As tired as I am its hard to fall asleep w/out your call

I want this next week(& a half) to go by as fast as it can!

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See you in 6 months

My lola leaves for the phils today. She doesn't come back until May (her birthday). She asked "what does your boyfriend want for christmas?". I told her, anything to do with batman. And she didn't even ask me what I wanted! Pft. Haha but I'll miss her. It always feels a little empty on this side of the year when she's gone. I don't see her every day but when a family party occurs and her presence isn't there the atmosphere just doesn't feel the same. Stay healthy lola! Have a safe trip, make sure you come back :)

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"Fear is the heart of love"

Love fears lies. Love fears trust. Love fears letting someone in.

I don't fear you, and neither does my love. But I've been fooled before thinking the same things you've said to me last night was supposed to happen before. But it means so much more to me coming from you. But the last time I believed in all of that, it turned on me and a lot that was once said doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm not saying I don't trust what you say to me, nor do I doubt your love for me, or for our relationship. I just hope that your right.

I don't fear you, and neither does my love. I trust you because I have no reason not too. Actually I guess I could say that I have many reasons to trust you/love you, as much as I do. You've never wronged me, never hid anything from me (besides that one thing GG said haha! But I know you did that so I wouldn't have to worry), my friend even had a dream about you which made her see why I love you so much, you always remind me that you love me, you take care of me physically/mentally/(and your attempts at) financially (thanks but no thanks :), you drive almost 5 hours just to come down on weekends, you're just always showing me you love and care for me. There are so many other things I could have listed, but those are just a few at the top of my head.

If I ever think of something that actually bothers me I'll talk to you about it. If its minor and I know I'll get over it I'll keep it to myself, won't talk about it, and forget about it. But if you ask me I'll tell you, but remember its no big.

I'm sorry you felt pretty uncomfortable being on the other side of the line while I was there with her. I don't like making you feel that way, but she is still a real good friend of mine.

"Go steady with me.
I know it turns you off when I
I get talking like a teen
I get talking like a teen"

"& the point of it all is I Love you"
& I'm not afraid to even if "fear is the heart of love"

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ATM

I couldn't care less about what you think. So keep your remarks to yourself, because you're starting to piss me off you lazy fck!

___
Getting a new jap student today. We only have him here for the weekend. We'll see how this goes.

School was lame because my drawing teacher can't teach, or is scared of teaching.. I'm going to make a complaint.

Rain sucks

Okay off to take care of business :)
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Can't spell it without U

Haha :)
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Working a double.

I took care of my errands before work started, which was at 12. I started work and like how it always in the beginning of work its slow since people start trickling in for their lunch break. We stand by the pass, look through the paper and talk about what ever is going on. Then Brianna came up to me and said, "See that guy at table 30?" I said "Yeah, what about him?" Brianna replies "That guy is from the gang called R ed S corpions. He's in the paper and his brother is on the front cover." This man has court dates all this week and so far for the last 2 days he's been coming in to our work to eat lunch. Its pretty scary considering he's a murderer, and since he's been banned from many other restaurants. He used to be on house arrest and when he would leave his house police would have to follow his every move. So there I am at work expediting and the next bill is for table 30. There are only 3 plates, one for him and the other 2 for his lawyers (I'm guessing that's who they were). I didn't want to spill the 3rd plate since it was hot so I got Brianna to help me carry the last plate over. Which also so happens to be his. Haha Brianna was not happy with me. I thought it was funny. He is still human and not a crazy psycho killer, just a murderer :s. But anyways he like chicken strips with yam fries haha. But who doesn't. I work tomorrow morning so I'll see if he's in again.

I left work after my morning/afternoon shift. Rested, read some cosmo, kept listening to Tegan & Sara's latest album, which is just as good as the last one, ate curry chicken, and then headed back to work at 5. Expedited again and I didn't mess up at all! Yay me :) tips were pretty good since the Canucks were playing. The Pub wasn't as full as I expected it to be. But the restaurant was packed. We had a line at the door for quite some time. But time went by fast cause it was busy for the longest time and I always found something todo. Which is good cause I don't feel useless. I like my job. Its actually been over a year since I first started.

When I first started I remember how entertaining it was for me because I would get these 2 repeated questions at least 15 times in one night. Question #.1) How old are you?/ Are you old enough to work here? Question #.2) How tall are you? Haha that didn't stop for months. I still get it every once in a while, but not as much as before. But I remember 1 night about a year ago my Manager Graem decided to measure me. So he put me against the wall and with a pen marked my height down. Then he grabbed a tape measure and concluded that I was 4'8.

So for a long time now, when I would see someone I haven't seen in a while they would say "Have you gotten shorter?" I would say maybe, a lot of people always ask that. So me and the head chef Matt decided to go back to that marking on the wall. I go back against the wall and what do you know. I'm about half a cm shorter then I was before. Not a crazy difference. But unfortunately I am shorter :( haha that's so weird. I'm never going to grow, nor get up to 5! LAME!

Oh well, I've been living under the average height my whole life. I'm pretty sure I can live with it for the rest of my life. No BIG! ;)

Currently listening to:
Tegan & Sara - Someday

Kelvin.. This song might also be my favorite song out of the album, even though the whole album is great. This one seems the most happiest sounding. I'm feeling the organ sounding background tunes.

"Might paint something I might want to hang here someday
Might write something I want to say to you someday
Might do something I'd be proud of someday
Mark my words, I might be something someday"

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My new favorite top

Its nothing crazy, no big label or brand. But its so cute! YUP

Currently working on my assignment for my Color Theory class but I need more magz, tags, fabrics, and anything else I can cut up paste and put on to this page! I have to fill up a double sided sketch book page (9"x12") with anything that has to do with what we learned last day which was the "CNYK Colour Star" which consist of Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary colors. & then there's the Color Biased Wheel also consisting of the 3 types just formatted differently. My new favorite top would be perfect to cut up and paste onto my project, but its too new and I like it too much haha. I'll find something else to put on it. Since I'm stuck for now I'm going to start on my other 4 projects.

Currently listening to:
Common ft. Pharrell - Punch Drunk Love (rmx)

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ATM

I'm heading home to get ready and head over to GO BANANAS for baby Anella's 2nd birthday :) !

Had work from 11am-12pm teaching @ scotiabank dance centre under SVS. Was a good class. This was supposed to be my 2nd last class before the program ends, but Lynn and Lor wouldn't mind having the program run for an additional 5 weeks since the students like the class. Yay I get to keep making routines and get paid to teach them. Awesome!

Got paid so I decided to go for a look-see at UO.. Got myself a top. (It feels so good to buy myself clothes, I haven't done so in a while) Last paycheck from my restaurant I spent more then half of it at metro.. Oh dear! I'm getting addicted :P

++alright, the only few things I still want and will only let myself get are the following...
-high waisted leggings (preferred in black)
-boots!
-long 3/4 (maybe knitted) vest/cardigan
-another pair of dark denim jeans

Alright this blog lasted me all the way to Scott Road. But I have not much else to say so later!

Ps: I feel really good, for some odd reason.

(Currently listening to : St Vincent - The Strangers)

Pss: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNEL!! :)

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You're kinda special to me

I got you caught up in my mind, and I can't help it. Everything at work today reminded me of you.

• "OKANAGAN Premium Cider"
• Modest Mouse - "Float on" started to play in the restaurant
• And then one of our bartenders was talking to me and the word "OTAY" popped right out of his mouth

Daily reminders to keep me smiling.

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Great Week+end

MON
First day of skew.
SUB teacher.
Rushour heading home
Chilled with my Bestfriend
Caught up on some "girltalk"

TUES
Taught Sullivan's Senior Team
(You can watch the routine @ http://www.danceparto.blogspot.com)
Chilled with Donnel
We grabbed some BBT @ Pearl Fever
& then I signed out a couple CDs & a book
Started reading my book "TRUE LOVE" - Robert Fulghum

WED
Happily @ 4 months
Worked a short 3 hour shift

THURS
Went for a run
Did laundry
Stapples and bought another sketch book
Sullivan for practice
McDs w/ CHELSEA cause she can drive & has a car yay!
Got my education on from 630-1030
>GREAT TEACHER & CLASS (Colour Theory)
Home freez @ around 1120

FRI
Skew
Thanks Giving Dinner @ my cousins
Chelsea, Kaela, Greg & Chris came over
My baby creeped in my room around 4am

SAT
Stopped by my other cousins place & ate
Watched "The Invention of Lying"
Cafe Deux Soleils watched Franics recite some poetry
Pearl Fever to stalk Chelsea at work
Saw Antho Justin & Donnel

SUN
ate @ WINGS
Kelvin taught me how to parallel & reverse park
Went to my dads place for another ThanksGiving Dinner
Went to the park for a herbal high
Rented & watched Obsessed & Monsters Vs. Aliens

MON
Didn't get out of bed till 130pm
Kelvin headed back home
Went to metro with my sister
Forever 21 was disgustingly crowded
Chilled/ played video games @ Marcs
Ate out on commerical
Went to watch a Poetry Slam @ Cafe Deux Soleils



Earlier on I had so much better things in my head to say, but now I just can't put it in the words i wanted to. Brain dead. Need to eat goodnight.

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Good b... See you later.

After having Kelvin over for the weekend it was yet that time again where we go our separate ways. Sunday mornings are becoming routine.

Wake up to my annoying alarm, realize that I don't want to get out of bed with him, press snooze, and press it another 5 times until I realize that I actually have to start getting ready. Shower, eat breakfast, he drops me to the train and we say "goodbye.." for now. I head down town to get to work by 11, and he heads back to the Okanagan. See you thanksgiving weekend!

______________________________

Today was my last sickstylz practice. I told marc I had to talk to him before practice. I brought him outside and let him know that I cannot/ won't be dancing this year with sickstylz. I was so relieved when he told me he wasn't mad. More understanding then anything actually. He let me know that I could stay for this last practice, which I wasn't expecting on doing. I went through the practice without breaking the news to everyone. I didn't really want it to be a big deal. Then people started to ask me questions that had to revile my unfortunate occurrence to a few others. But at the end of practice marc made it public and let everyone in on my deal. I was hoping he wouldn't because I'm insanely sensitive about parting with things I love. Or actually. Just sensitive with everything haha, but the things I love the most. So there it was out in the open, some surprised, some not so much. Everybody crowding around saying "awe cas" and being a big baby as I was of course I start to tear up. And then from behind me Gino picks me up and I'm covering my face full of tears now that I'm pretty much balling my eyes out. Then I hear "gibberish" start to play so of course they expect me to do it. I'm getting extremely shy but I made carmen do it with me! (Gino you sell out! Haha) Of course I'm all shy/nervous and not remembering my routine and mess up quite a bit. Then "haunting me" starts to play and donnel and I start doing our routine. Unfortunately they didn't have me and donnels mix of "hammer bros" so we didn't get to do that dance but everything else was overwhelming. I felt very loved I'm not going to lie. I love sickstylz, ill miss you guys. But this is not "goodbye" this is just a "see you later" type situation. Ahh eff me I hate to go, but its for the best this year. At least I hope so =P

________________________________

I never did like "goodbyes"

Leaving that one place was the hardest thing to do.

Why?

Because I basically grew up with those people. Those people were family to me. Took care of me when I was in need, helped me through blood-family hardships, and kept me focused and always pushed me harder to be better at what I was good at. I absolutely loved the people there. And deep deep down inside I still do. They're my past. But now it like they will only be my past. As much as it was hard for me to leave, it now seems as if its just as hard.. No its even harder to go back. Or at least to look back. Reminiscing about that place is now on a boat that floats on its own. I think about my past with them constantly. And thru an anonymous source I've heard they reminisce about those times as well. But there is just no way of us being able to reminisce together.

How do I even begin to get back to that? Or at least make peace with that? Right now I have no clue, but I am working on it. I really am. But the longer I wait to actually go thru with this the harder and tenser it gets.

Once day things will be okay. And okay is good enough for me.

________________________________

Speaking of which, "gibberish" just started playing on my ipod. Hahaha

*sigh :(

______
Fyi: if this blog is poorly written, maybe more than usual, its because I'm insanely tired.

Running on 6 hours of sleep + my day of work, dance, and busing adds up and turns my energy to a minimal working speed to function.

Does that even make sense? Haha fck it. Goodnight.

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FRESHMAN