"My unthought through actions of stupidity,"


I over did it.
Everything was just.. overwhelming, wasn't it? Once again I was the bad cop. It always comes around the next day, when I'm back to my senses, and have time to think about last nights conversation. "Why did I have to mention that when I knew it would end that way?". There I go again, not thinking, just acting.. acting stupid. Saying the first frustrated thing that boils up in my mind. And I'm here, next morning thinking what was I DOING?! Mad at myself, 'cause I know I pushed it. Nothing would have happened if I didn't have to open my mouth to begin with. I should have just kept it all in, no matter how much sht bugged me. I knew better than that.. or at least I thought I did. I think I got scared. Scared of loosing you even more than I already had. Yet, I was trying so hard to avoid the very thing I was doing. Pushing you away even further. You can't imagine how bad I feel, or how sorry I am. (I hate the over use of that word.)But I wholeheartedly mean it.
That whole time we were together that day, I did not even realize the date. October 16th... A day I told myself I would not forget. Can't believe its been a year now. It didn't seem that long ago, since I still remember how it went down, and how it went the day after, and the day after that. Kanye's concert would have been a lot different, and seeing you act "that way" the day after that... well that changed A LOT for me. I'm not even going to go into the "what if"s, 'cause everybody knows that you can't change the past, so why bother trying to make it up in your mind and stress over something that's not going to happen? I say don't.
Situations been messed up so badly that, 'nothing even matters' no more. What's done is done. And what left is there possibly left for me to screw up?
I got to look past all of this, and learn from it. I've already been doing a good job with covering up my emotions, and looking pretty happy. I'm not going to let myself mope around. No more of that. Just learn. Just find happiness.

Preview for next post




I'll be sharing a few words on my experience with the new nano, when i'm not so busy.

Love You Baby

Aaliyah Jai Rivera
Common' , how cute is this picture? Can't believe you're almost one years old. You got two
more months baby, and you'll be at a full digit number. Love you baby, don't grow up too fast.

Lost tew teef
Lost my ring!!! SO PISSED
i feel so empty without it.
I LOVED THAT RING!!!
SO ANGRY!

yeah thats all. class is over

For The Moment

Listening to "soldier" by Erykah Badu on my DS. Divided from the majority of the class who is in photography, i'm supposed to be working on my sketch. But its not my fault, they need all the desks right now, so i have no choice but to be sitting here on the computer. I actually think i'm supposed to be apart of the photography side of the class, but because i'm in art in blk A as well i've just been stuck using as much time as i can on my other projects for blk A.

can't wait till its done.

ok media students are removed from the desks and back on the computers. I'm going to finish my project.

Damn..

I'm already bored of my hair..

Maybe if it was shorter in the back, longer in the front, and had more layers, then maybe i'd be a little more satisfied with it for another couple months or so. But my hairs starting to grow, and it isn't as "wow" as it was the day i got it cut. I don't think i want to re-cut it though becuase the 1st hair cut was already expensive enough, and i want to start growing my hair already becuase i at least want to be able to have it up somehow for grad.

I miss running my fingers through my long hair as i combed through the managable tangles and pullled over my hair to one side so i could see what i would be writing...

Once my hair grows back, i think i'd miss being able to dry my short hair so quickly and how it always just stayed in place.

Yeah but i still want my long hair back.. so i could actually style it. Short hair doesn't do much. Or maybe i just haven't demonstrated enough with it just yet.

Here i go, endlessly waiting till my hair grows back.
Damn..

Just Another Saturday


Late friday night + early saturday morning = tired as fck!


KILLBEATS was fun. Getting there was hectic. Something was up with the skytrain.. virn's pretty good at impersonating B.W.W.s haha... and we were late. Got home 'round 1130, thank goodness i didn't have to bus, thank you Fearless! Didn't sleep till, 12something...


ALARM went off at 8am, shower, get ready, go to worrk. Saturday at the mall was pretty damn busy, nothing unusual. Off at 5. SESH? Nope, too tired. Still did a bit of groovin' though, haha gts on the train. Yeah so what if people were watching, they enjoyed it ! Had to stay dt.. went to chapters, BOUGHT A BOOK! wow me! Picked up. Hello BigBurr.. no drinks for me thanks. Family Guy was pretty histerical. Can't wait until i'm legal! We'll keep in touch, you'll see.




Yep.. just another saturday.
Sanks RAWB for the MashHall tee!

It Just Feels Good

Walking early in the cold,
but sunny morning to school
Getting to school right on time.
Finishing the day.
Strolling in the rain
with an umbrella.
Dressing up.
Looking pro.
Going through a good interview.
Getting hired!

All of it.. just feels good. Here I go again, trying to do as much as i can, putting all this pressure on myself. It's all within reason, but i just know its going to get hard at times. Working at Big Ridge durring the week days, Aritzia on the weekends, School through the whole week, Dance Team every Tuesday and Friday, and Sick Stylz every Thursday & Sunday. Damn...

But through all of this, and knowing what it's going to be like, i'm really happy i got my sht together.

'Cause you know... its not worth it unless you're happy.

Ode to You

I could quote the whole song "Just like a Star" by Corrine Bailey Rae, and dedicate it to you,
but i think it would sound a little vague & cliche. So here...

"Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Just like a song in my heart,
[I'm] honoured to love you.
Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
[& still] we do it all the time.

It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand
"

Now i can honestly dedicate this found poem i've created from her, that song. I mean every bit of it.
There is a lot we both take for granted in this relationship. But there is even more in this relationship that we take into consideration. We do not realize it now, maybe because we don't always see it, or say it. But that's what i love about us. We don't need to say it, or always show it, because we already know deep down how we feel. Every once in a while we still stress each other out about silly little things, but that doesn't effect us. No it does not. We find our solution and we leave the rest of it behind us. We get through a lot don't we. & look at us now, we're strong as hell ( well maybe you more than me.. haha you know me). I have my weak spots, but i can say that i have gotten much stronger than before, and i can honestly say thank YOU for making me like this. I don't need to analyze every little detail and over think everything. You helped me, and I thank you. But through everything, i still want to show you my all. That i'm worth sticking around for. Not because i have to prove myself to you, but because i want to. Because i think this would be a good time for that. You said before "the funny thing is, you haven't even seen the best of me, and i haven't seen the best of you... yet.". Well, let me show you. I'll be doing so well that you will think that its the best of me.. but then prove to you that it gets better. Haha.. it's weird, becauase you're making me want to do better, and making me feel happy just by thinking about what things will be like.. and how things have been like. Optomistic, like how things used to be.

Lastly i want to say thank YOU, for inspiring me to write like this again. To write with a purpose. Yeah.. you inspired me.

Hate you Homeboy.
Ode to this CITYSAND,

Ode to US,
Ode to YOU.



















On another note...
this is really awesome.
Watch it.








PS: If you all didn't already know, today is in fact the last day of Summer. Good bye Summer.

FCK, FCK, SPEND MONEY




This is exactly why i don't want to talk about this shit with you.

I don't want to hear it.

POSTSECRET

This is it.

Last week before school.

Tomorrow i'm meeting with the councilor and choosing my cources. What am i going to take? This...

1.english 12
2.math 12
3.spanish 12
4.elite performance dance 12
5.drawing & painting 12
6.ceramics & sculpture 12
7.media arts (photography) 12
8.(adv?) drafting & design 12

This is exactly what i was waiting for.
Can't believe we're already getting lockers on thursday. Finaly, i get the big locker this year, though many may think i don't need it, i do. I'm pretty scared to go to a new school all over again. I'm going to get lost, and people are going to think i'm in grade 8 or something. Back to being "The new girl". Even though i am scared, i'm also pretty stoked. New classrooms, new teachers, new friends? Yup scared & stoked.


Summer went by really quickly. Well at least for me it did. Didn't seem like i did much, but let me try and re-cap.

JUNE
-sleep overs
-vv shopping
-dragon boat festival
-sickstylz practices
-interviews
-picnic @ 2nd beach
-leo was here!
-swimming at anthos
-neks bbq

JULY
-beaches
-night rides
-movies
-got a job
-more swimming
-sessions
-verns bday/splashdown
-neks/cupcakes :)
-training
-wedding
-more sessioning
-more movies
-got students
-moved out
-goodbye jamie!

AUGUST
-shopping
-celebrate me&he birthdays
-reds
-sickstylz session
-GSM!!!!!
- etc...

Summer seemed so much shorter, but closer towards the end things got more intense.

Honestly i felt like i was going to die last night. I've never been so messed up before. I was scared out of my mind. So lost, so alone, so out in the dark. It was insanly scarey! But i barley remmember doing the things i did. As if i watched everything happen in a show and i just remember it like that. I can still feel a bit of it at times. I don't want to have that feeling for the 3rd time. The 1st time was enough, but last night just brought the 1st times memories back again.


This is it.

summers (practically) over, new schools begining, and things are changing,

I'm starting to like the rain :)




______________________________________________________________________

i miss my long hair :(


Jamie you really DUN it this time

Hahaha okay, so its not QUITE a "DUNny" but Munnies are close enough ;)
I hope you're enjoying europe. Remember not to bring me back a keychain, like the many others haha. HAVE FUN!






"This is how I'm bringing friends to europe with me :)" -Jamie Jane

"Low-key"

Hahaha!

I'm really out of of the loop.

Woo paid! Feels pretty good.

QUOTES FOR TODAY

"Low-key"
"Goo day"
"DON'T PISS ME OUT!"
"Get off me girl!"
"Summer Buddies"
"I have a lot of white hair"
"Perfect!"
"I'm a little girl, not an LG"


HUMM good day (Y)

Basketball meets Football

How funky is this..




My sister just bought a pair of each for her boyfriend. Thats too funny.

BRAND NEW SH*T

Wow i forgot what shopping was like.


UPDATE LATERRRRR

alright i'm back.
i should be sleeping right now since i open tomorrow morning but i just got home and i've been meaning to get this edition out for sometime, but i just needed for this to happen 1st.

Here it is. So many things have been up and coming in my life, and good things too. New things. Been going through new things, feelings new feelings, getting new gear, doing new ish, and just feeling fresh ( yeah yeah i know "feeling fresh" , very over used but thats honestly how i've been feeling). Life's good. I'm happy. I can say that, and know that its so true that it feels good to say it. When someone asked me how i was doing this week, i told them like i usually do and said, "i'm good" and thats when i had an epiphany. I realised that things are good, not the greatest, not amazing, not super, but good. Good as in happy, as in satisfying, as in taking everything as it is worth and nothing for granted. Life is good.

I've been keeping organized with my life. Having my schedule is a big deal to me. With out it i'm a bit lost. Yeah sometimes i have to work in friends into my schedule, but it works out and i make the most of my days off. I had too much time on my hands before starting to work. And i was pretty stupid with it. But when things go according to plan, its like you have nothing to worry about cause things are going the way things are supposed to. Not that i wouldn't mind some inconveniences along the way cause it could be handled, but it just feels better that way.
With this whole planning thing, i've been having my own time as well. Now i'm making my time worth it.

Missing my usual hobbies so i thought i should get back to that. Especially drawing. I understand i lost my touch with words, so i don't exactly bother trying to write anymore. But i keep practicing with my drawings and doodles. And as for dance.. well i've been practicing in the studio here and there, so im good with that. Haha i made a new move yesterday. Its a pretty fly move. I'm proud. But i think i'm already over rating it haha. :)

And now since i've been getting back to myself, i've also been realizing things i should have realised long long time ago. I guess i already knew it, i just never took the initiative to take self control and do something about it. But having this time got me thinking. Thinking about how i react to things, or actually how i shouldn't be reacting to things. Seeing the differences between my NEEDS and my WANTS. Thus showing me how i should strive and think more about my needs and leaving my wants to being only a privilege. Again, not taking the things that i want and have for granted.

Going on with needs and wants, got me thinking. I think i would like to see a major debate about "is money really something we need in life?". Now that would be a crazy debate (man i miss philosophy class). I think money is something we DON'T need, but in today's society its almost mandatory if we want to survive this crazy world. But i have to say, i like having my money. It feels so good to be earning it again :) ahhh. I feel just a bit more free when i have a bit of cash money on me (shiit eh, looks like i still got my writing skills, haha ;) only joking.)

Alright so i must confess, i haven't been spending my money as wisely as i COULD be, but i meen its my 1st paycheck in a LONG time. "what chu want me to do, i'm sawrrie". But seriously i almost forgot what shopping was like. Constant new clothes. Ahh boy it feels good. Lots of compliments, haha make me blush and ish, shoot, stop it ;) okay .. go 'head. Haha.

OH and lastly, BRAND NEW HAIR CUT!
SO i finally cut my long hair. Oh my. I've had long hair almost my whole life. Almost. I've always wanted to cut my hair short. I said it almost every summer of high school, but i always kept putting it off cause i kept saying that i wanted long hair for grad. But i went to grad this year had my hair long luscious and curly so why not for my grad have it completely different. Why not right? It'll be something different-ish, and new-ish. Haha, well at least not typical :)

She tied my hair with a rubber band, like a low pony-tail. Then she braided it, and then tied the end with another pony-tail. And then, she started to cut. All i could hear was the sound of my hair being cut off. It didn't effect me until the last cut. *CHOP* and my long hair was all gone. Right then my heart sank a little. Honestly, i felt it. Haha it was so weird. I was already shocked with how short it was when she cut it off, and then she started cutting more! Oh man, i just kept thinking to myself, it'll look better in the end. And well it did :D haha i was a little bit insecuurr about it at 1st, but the more compliments i got, the more i felt good about it. Each and everyone who has said anything about my hair made me feel a little it more better. Thank You! But the biggest thank you to my ATE. Awesome birthday gift. Totally worth the 70bucks. BIG UPS TO CHASTHY, the artist with the scissors and AXIS for the location.

Anyone know where i can donate my hair?

Anyways its hella late and i got to get some rest.


New Shit
New attitude
New look
New Me

& proud of it.

here we go again

from a distance

off work.
off at a spontanious station
off topic
off noises
off in the distance
off lights in the sky
off my mind
i wish i was there
but then again
i rather not.