DROP-IN-CLASS
anger management, NO THANKS I`LL BLOG!
*RING*
Wow, i haven't felt that good about hearing an alarm before. The mens rea of what the alarm means; what it will bring. TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS OF NOT ATTENDING SCHOOL WITHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE.
You know its always good when there`s an ending. Since there`s always going to be a new beginning. Like the end of a fight. Or the end of school, or the end of work, etc. etc.. Endings are just good.. cause you know what`s coming up. Well, most of the time.
Anyways...
This winter break best be good. You know, a lot of sleeping, a lot of good times, a lot of memories maybe, a lot of ``Hey whats up, its been a while`` and all that good stuff.
The prior weeks have been hell. I think this has been my worst year with me and my parents. If i had a dime for everytime i`ve gotten in trouble. HA! Wouldn`t that be something. But don`t misunderstand. I don`t like getting in trouble or do it on purpose, or proud of it in anyway. I hate it actually. The guilt the most. Thats what truly hits me. Thats when i stop, thats when i know my limit. When it hurts so bad, that its not even an option anymore. Its just an automatic STOP, DON`T BE STUPID. You know the whole `fight fire with fire` is total bs. Say i was the 1st fire, if anyone were to ever try to ``fight`` (metaphorically speaking) me with my own medicine then i`m just going to go crazy... (not metaphorically speaking, some of you know what i mean). But if you were to use a different method (say `water`again metaphorically speaking) then i`d be like oh, damn i shouldn`t have been so stupid and crazy. My bad. Its just the way things are you know. This equation has been proven many times. And i bet that you can think of a situation where you`ve been in this kind of method before. Don`t lie.
OH THAT REMINDS ME!
Do you know how much you piss me off. A lot! You should have said something. If there is ever a time where we cross paths and somethings up at the time. Don`t be shocked to see me up in your face. I am not afraid to speak up and direct. I`m not going to pretend that i like you, or that you don`t bother me. You do. So if i ask you something, don`t front. Cause that will just make me more mad.
HUM.. i don`t think i`ve ever publicized that side of me. Or have really shown it to anyone in person (besides that one time). But yeah i`m not really like that. Only if you do something thats going to distract my daily life routines. Then yeah, its going to bother me, and you`re not going to be on my good side.
So winter break. Well tmr i`m supposed to take a workshop tmr with Carmen. Lets see if i make it on time. And FightBeforeChristmas is tmr too. I`ll probably be attending that. Have my moments of `hey! i haven`t seen you in a while, whats up` and all that good stuff. And lastly do some Christmas Shopping. Gotta make my list tonight. 1 down, lots to go.
Oh and to you guys in bed. Just tell me why, or why not. Don`t say something and don`t give me a reason. Cause im not going to believe it. Im not going to say anything TODAY.. cause you know. Thats just not cool. But i`ll wait a day or two. I`ll be civil. Theres no point getting worked up over this. I shouldnt have been surprised, but for somereason i thought you guys might have changed. Guess not. Sleepy heads get out of bed, start living in the real world.
humm.. that was an angry blog. Oh well. Someone cheer me up.
Rocked Loves Balance
We're just to good to be true. So we're false. A false misunderstanding to what the world may view us as. But not to what we view and know ourselves as. We know what's going on. We don't have certain titles to document our storyboard. But our storyboard is written in ink. Ink because while everything happens its stays like that forever, and we cannot go back and change things with just an eraser. In this life, there are no erasers, just mistakes. But thats what conclusions are for. Conclusions that usually come with a solution. But just because there is a conclusion it doesn't always mean that there is going to be an ending. We seem to find conclusions that never really leaves anything behind. And then later on what ever baggage we had before we add more to it and go back to things we've already gone through. Yet we find more solutions that we haven't found the first time. I don't know how., but we just do. Lets try not to carry this baggage anymore, lets try not to rock loves balance. We know more now than we did the 1st time through. And we're still learning. So no matter how badly unbalanced this love becomes, the 2nd time through will make it all worth while.
I've been having creative blocks and it completely disables me from making any good ideas for my big art projects. So i've decided to go back to basics. Meaning, doodling in class, and simply testing out other things.
Engrish 12 - All we did was watch group presentations so its not like this distracted me from anything important.
I call this one "Trapped in my room" because i was at the time i created this. I like water paints. But I'm not quite sure if they like me just yet...
(and yes i know his hand it messed)
I've been doing some more doodlings but they're on the covers of my binders.
I'm getting there.
Friday; Trying to weigh out the pessimistic side of life
The hardest part of the day now is getting out of bed. I don't know exactly why this is but that's just the way it goes. But today was harder than usual. Last night wasn't a nightmare. It was, just unreal. I woke up feeling so shtty that I didn't even want to go to school. I knew that I would feel even worse if i didn't go, so i went anyways.
I was supposed to get in early to finish up an assignment that i needed to hand in. The time it would have taken me to walk to the bus stop wait and get to school would be the same amount of time it would have taken me to walk the whole way. So i saved myself a dollar seventy-five and took a nice walk in the morning cold. It was actually starting to wash away my morning shtty feeling. But i still felt pretty bad.
Worked on my assignment before 1st bell rang, and went through BLK.A finishing up the same assignment. I got it finished on time to hand in for BLK.B. English wasn't as bad as it usually was. I actually don't remember what we did in class, but at least it wasn't bad enough for me to remember, thats the only part that matters. Humm, my memory seems to be getting worse. I'm starting to forget things much easier :( . As i was saying, english was alright.
Here we go, LAW; CHAPTER 5/6 TEST. I was not as prepared as i wanted to be, so i took the time to lock myself in the library during the lunch period to study and take some notes. Luckily for me it actually Helped. I believe there were only 2 questions that i had guessed on, so i am almost certain that i'll be getting an A. It was getting closer to the end of the day, but even with the day being filled with things to do I was some how unfortunate, but able to remember the shtty feeling that started my day.
With all the extra little zone out moments i had to myself all i would think of is how am i going to fix it this time? Till an hour ago i still had no clue. I wouldn't have figured it out if you didn't call.
I really wasn't expecting a call from you anytime soon by the way things ended the night before. All i knew was that like trying to get sober, this dilemma needed time. But i guess it just really needed productive use of time. You thought things through more genuinely than i have. As if my brain had hit a wall and made like it was in "writers block".
I have to say, i really look up to you for making the call on this one. I wasn't expecting you to be as civil as you are. I understand that you are doing better with making your decisions based on what will work best, rather than letting your rage of emotions decide for you at the moment. You're really making things more clear for the both of us. And it really helped take a load of my shoulders, probably more than you think.
I still have the right to feel shtty, but you being the bigger man about things are making me want to feel shtty in a good way. I know it kind of contradicts itself, but thats the best way to explain it right now.
You've said it before, but I want to say it this time...
"[You] got [me]"
you really do.
Good job cas, Good FUCKING job.
do it again. I DARE YOU.
Don't even try, you'll just do it again anyways right?
I don't want to be that person anymore.
How do you change a mistake you don't
even know you're making? I'm helpless.
No.
This will be fixed.
I will help this.
There will be change.
I can't say how yet, and I can't say when.
But i'm sure of it. I am.
I p.. i pr...
.. you know the rest.
What's the good in goodbye?
Nothing
Especially when you don't really know when the next time you'll be saying hello.
BYE
she said what i was thinking
It's not so easy loving me it gets so complicated all the things you've gotta be. Everything's changin, but you're the truth I'm amazed by all your patience everything I put you through. When I'm about to fall somehow you're always waitin with your open arms to catch me. You're gonna save me from myself.
My love is tainted by your touch. Some guys have shown me aces, but you've got that royal flush. I know it's crazy everyday, well tomorrow may be shaky, but you never turn away. Don't ask me why I'm cryin, cause when I start to crumble you know how to keep me smiling. You always save me from myself. You're gonna save me from myself. I know it's hard, but you've broken all my walls. You've been my strength, so strong, and don't ask me why I love you it's obvious your tenderness is what I need to make me a better woman to myself You're gonna save me from myself.
-ca
:D .. wow
I've been talking about this dude for some time now, and i cannot express how infatuated i am with him. Haha, just listen to his laugh! I've never heard his voice till nov.5. And i'm not going to forget it. This video may not be mine, or for me, or have anything to do with me, but .. i don't even know. I guess it just shows how down to earth this guy really is. He took the time to stop and talk to a random guy on the phone, how nice is that? Honestly i did't expect the jabba boys to be that nice. But they were so sincere about everything. So polite, so well mannered. It was a bit of a surprise but also a huge relief, since i was so very intimidated.
Next time i know i'm going to meet someone i look up to, i have to prepare what i'm going to say, cause i was to overwhelmed by Josephs presence!
I respect him for his passion and creativity for dance, i respect his love for his family and his friends, and i respect him for his trust in god.
You are truely a blessing and i'm so..so... i don't even know a word to describe this, but i'm SO SO ______ that i got to meet you!
Some Kind of Feelin
I felt like I was back home. Where I was supposed to be.
It was just what I needed, to felt like I belonged, without
breaking any rules, without having anything to hide. I just
needed some kind of feelin to reassure my self existence.
I am still here. It wasn't just a bad night mare, sht really is
getting rough, but I'm still here, and I know this 'cause i
can still feel. I'm sorry Mr. Chambers but, "I think therefore
I am" just doesn't cut it right now. Philosophy is not the
answer for this kind of question.
'Sanks G'ford,
'Sanks Fellas'
Not In My Right State Of Mind
The other day I was on my way home, on the bus. It was about 8:30, I believe, and was already dark outside. I don't like how the days are shorter, and the nights are longer. Well it was only the bus driver, me, and one other guy on the bus. I was reading my book on the bus but i stopped because i knew my stop was coming up. I'm trying to look outside the windows to see where we are. Since it was pretty dark it was hard to tell 'cause the neighborhood looks pretty similar. I see where we are and start thinking about when I'm going to pull the wire. I'm looking towards the front from sitting just behind the back doors, and i kind of see the stop sign flicker on, as if someone pulled it, but incorrectly, or too hard. I look at the other only guy on the bus and i didn't see him move at all. In my head I'm thinking if he might have pressed the handicap alarm on the side in the front. So I'm not worrying about pulling the wire because i guess he was going to get off at the same stop as me. Then i glance over and we miss my stop. I check the front again and the stop light is turned off, like it never was pulled to begin with. I call out to the bus driver "You missed my stop!" and he pulls over to the side and lets me out.
I'm on the side of the road, in the dark, not close to my stop, walking home. I don't like how this area doesn't have enough street lights. As I'm walking home I'm trying to figure out what happened back there? Maybe my eyes just saw what it wanted to see.. but i don't remember being THAT tired. The whole cold walk home i was confused and scared.
I don't understand...
"My unthought through actions of stupidity,"
I over did it.
Everything was just.. overwhelming, wasn't it? Once again I was the bad cop. It always comes around the next day, when I'm back to my senses, and have time to think about last nights conversation. "Why did I have to mention that when I knew it would end that way?". There I go again, not thinking, just acting.. acting stupid. Saying the first frustrated thing that boils up in my mind. And I'm here, next morning thinking what was I DOING?! Mad at myself, 'cause I know I pushed it. Nothing would have happened if I didn't have to open my mouth to begin with. I should have just kept it all in, no matter how much sht bugged me. I knew better than that.. or at least I thought I did. I think I got scared. Scared of loosing you even more than I already had. Yet, I was trying so hard to avoid the very thing I was doing. Pushing you away even further. You can't imagine how bad I feel, or how sorry I am. (I hate the over use of that word.)But I wholeheartedly mean it.
That whole time we were together that day, I did not even realize the date. October 16th... A day I told myself I would not forget. Can't believe its been a year now. It didn't seem that long ago, since I still remember how it went down, and how it went the day after, and the day after that. Kanye's concert would have been a lot different, and seeing you act "that way" the day after that... well that changed A LOT for me. I'm not even going to go into the "what if"s, 'cause everybody knows that you can't change the past, so why bother trying to make it up in your mind and stress over something that's not going to happen? I say don't.
Situations been messed up so badly that, 'nothing even matters' no more. What's done is done. And what left is there possibly left for me to screw up?
I got to look past all of this, and learn from it. I've already been doing a good job with covering up my emotions, and looking pretty happy. I'm not going to let myself mope around. No more of that. Just learn. Just find happiness.
Preview for next post
I'll be sharing a few words on my experience with the new nano, when i'm not so busy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)