blogspot

Currently listening to...
Flying Lotus - Rest ez

So on my last blog I received an anonymous comment from a Jane Doe. (Started using this term cause of CSI haha) it actually really got to me. To think that people actually read what I got to say. Its not like I'm making huge public announcements that are private and hoping no one reads it.. I am aware that I am posting my thoughts up on the web. But as much as I did promote that I do have blogspot, I just didn't think that anyone would ...(well as much as I don't want to sound like a broken record).. actually read my blogs.

I guess I should know better since I do just about the same thing. I have an icon for the blogs I follow on my itouch. So if I feel the need to check on updates of peoples lives I take a few moments before bed to read up on my friends lives. Its quite convenient considering I don't have a laptop, nor a computer of my own. Its stuck in my brothers room so I don't exactly have all the access I think I would need.. Or want. But that's where my bb data plan, and itouch wifi comes in handy.

But back to this Ms. Anonymous..
I thank you for your thoughts about my blogs, and I'm honored that my blogs some what take part in your interest. I share the same interest as you. I do learn from my own blogs and my friends when I read them. Gives me different perspectives on Life's situations. But mostly when I write my own blogs I tend to take a moment to really open up my mind, organize my thoughts, and lay them out straight to make sense of it all. One of the major things I've learned pretty recently is to always try to keep that optimistic side above the pessimistic. But I'll admit I try to keep that philosophy but more for the public image rather then my self. At the moment it seems as if its the right thing to do, but deep deep down I know its not completely healthy. If you want the attention then yeah, go for it. Cry your eyes to the world, but just know that you won't always get the attention or the feedback you want. I rather not take that chance in being publicly embarrassed with my sad life stories. Especially because I know that there are so many other who go thru the same sht, and sometimes a lot worse. Yeah, so to keep my personal, private life on the dl is fine by me. I'll save my tears for myself when I know I can just calm down and think things through with myself, or when I can just cry out loud and let it out. I understand though that some people need to let it out, and just break when they least hope they would and that's where true friends come in and help. This is where I can feel for someone else's troubles.

Just like you Ms. Anon "Although I don't know much bout your past, and your status, but just by observing you and your accomplishments, it stuns me that someone like you can feel sad. It makes me sad to see you sad..." Haha that's cute, and I appreciate your sympathy. I too also hope that I will find "someone worth [my] time and [my] heart-aches." But I probably won't find hat guy after going through a couple more relationships... Unless I'm really fortunate. Haha but if you've seen "He's just not that into you" then you would call me the exception.. Again UNLESS I am really fortunate. Until then, I'm just another girl with heart-aches, stories, and baggage.

Btw, you make me really curious to whom you might me (okay I faked that, I don't really know how to use the 2 different but the same terms "who"&"whom") but I like the secrecy of it. Kind of mysterious. Like I'm playing guess who.. "Is your person a guy?" "No" knock down more then half the characters on the board. "Does your person wear glasses?" Eliminate 5 more characters... Haha dope game. Anyways keep doing what your doing. I hope I keep my life interesting enough for you haha.

I SAY anonymous readers got mad LOVE for bloggers such as myself.

Currently listening to...
The strokes - Soma
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"Complicated"

Why did this word have to come to be? Why can't there just be straight answers and direct points of views? The way we think can be so "complicated" because of all these factors in our lives. We think one way because of that, but the other because of this and sometimes blah blah blah. These factors are our feelings and P.O.V's of everything around us. Because we feel one way, let say happy, we think about all of the good times in the past and reminisce. But if we were mad, then you'd think about all of the bad times you've gone through. But right now my mind is at its most complicated peak!

Ill be straight and say it like it is so it won't be complicated to understand, but you'll still get the complexity in it.
I'm sad right now because I'm thinking of the good times we once shared. I knew happiness was there for me as long as you were. But I took advantage of that which pushed it away. Now that its gone I miss it. I want to be THAT kind of happy again.

Truth be told.. I am happy for you. You found exactly what you were wanting. I guess I don't show it cause I'm jealous... Yes I admit I'm jealous :( .. that you found it so soon and easily. That kind of love that you got now doesn't come easily. I mean it took us some time and hardships to build that kind of love. I just hope that when I find it I don't loose it... Not again.

But I'm in no rush. Ill wait for mine. You know I mean its nice taking a small peek at seeing what it could look like with nice ..... here and there. I can give it a chance, but I know that I'm not going to let myself fall for the next John Doe that says nice things. It doesn't hurt having someone to call up and chill with when you just want to sit back, stay in, and watch a movie. Nothing complicated, real simple actually. And I can cope with that. Like I said I'll wait.

I SAY I can wait for LOVE.

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Optomistic?

Dad was gone for 2 weeks. Brother and I go see him. I come in the door and my pop says to me "oh casandra you're getting more beautiful. Your teeth are getting straighter" I laugh and say thanks. We walk to the living room and he says to be " are you gaining weight?" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Then my brother decides to add in "yeah your thighs look fatter. When you walked into my room this morning to wake me up I didn't realize it was you" hahaha! My whole family has been bugging me about my weight and stuff. Who ever said they couldn't imagine me getting fat. Maybe it hasn't yet but it seems like I'm on my way. But I find it just soo funny cause I actually see it. I smiled in the mirror and I noticed that I grew cheeks behind my cheeks! Yeah! Not double chin, double cheeks! Funny sht huh? Its all good though. I did want to gain a little. Wasn't quite happy with the width of my arms haha. Haha I broke my weight record! I'm finally in the 80s! Peace out 75pounds, I've grown and gained :) sup carbs?

Anyways today I had a real good day. School was brutally boring because I did sht all. Like actually. I almost have no point in going to school. The only work I've actually done lately for my classes is make the backup dancers routine for Ava's performance for the year end dance show. And I do that durring my spare!

But besides that schools almost over so good for that. OH I got this the other day ... Yeah my AI student pass. Haha, wasn't exactly sure when he was taking the picture so it looks like a mug shot. Oh well.

After school, chilled with bryan for a bit at the bistro, dragged on about how I don't want to go to work cause its such a nice day haha. Then went home, discussed my life finacially with my ma and her bf. Took a nap and headed to work.

Fcking work was PACKED! Me and hayden managed hosting everyone but. It got pretty intense. So many parties came when we were about to close. Made Brendan and Kelvin wait an extra half hour for me. Sooooooorry!

Headed to the park, did what we did. Haven't laughed like that in a while. Good sht. That one guy scared the sht out of me walking towards us like that. Go get a life man! Haha! Did the mcds quick bite and laughed even more. Sexy girl talk and then bounced home. Now I'm here writing this blog thinking about tonight. I enjoyed myself I really did :)

Tmrs going to be good too. I know it :)
Work hard, then play harder! Haha life story.

Good day. Good night. I SAY I LOVE this day.
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THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD.. i think i tripped, stumbled, and maybe fell in love?

Did i just SAY LOVE?

;) nahh

but i do believe that this is quite cute.

Make me laugh, show me off, make me smile, surprise me, don't hold back, be cute, quote TLC, joke around, show me your moves & i'll be satisfied =P

FredPerry.com/sculpture

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Sharpiehigh

Thinking cap on
Boredom overflowing

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Recreate w/out restriction

Acrylics, water paints, and sharpies.
My day off, so I thought I might do something productive. Something I normally wouldn't have time to do, something I haven't done in a while.. Draw/paint. Even though I have 2 blocks of art I use both of them for media (photshoppin'). I like this piece, but I don't love it. Critiquing myself is a good way to improve, and better myself for next time. This piece was basically all freestyle. Started by looking around my room and saw Digits (the monkey ; tyMeeks) then it just kinda flowed. Added some paint, then colored it in then this became what it is. A lot of clutter going on, especially towards the bottom left. Made it look too busy. But now I know better next time. Still many other this I could point out. But I believe that's the most obvious. Dare to differ? Do COMMENT! Another persons perspective is always better then the artist them self.

Days where I don't work are the best. I'm so glad I booked off this long weekend! Though it was supposed to be for camping.. Plans tend to change, but I can adapt. Time to meet the bestfriends bf :) , birthday diner, do a bit of soul searching, and craft viewing with a friend, or at least something along those lines haha. Wow, a weekend with no work! Ahh I can't wait!

Another thing I can't wait for is GRAD! Yeah, a couple post back ago I said I wasn't excited. Now I am. Ever since we had the gr12 assembly to hear the valedictorian speeches it really got to me. One of them almost made me tear up! To think back of all the memories, from kindergarten all the way up till now.. 12years later! Holy, when you hear it like that its like schools been your whole life, and you're finally done! .. At least until collage/university. Ha! More school. But really grad is getting closer. Besides this one unfortunate even, I'm pretty happy with this grad outcome. Can't wait till my dress is finished. So simple, but so.. Perfect.

*sigh..

Q: what's up baby girl?
A: Shts good, just not great.
Q: now why might that be?
A: because the word "perfect" is a foreign word to my life vocabulary
Q: well, you know that nothings perfect right?
A: well yeah but when I say perfect, I mean perfect up to an average standard
Q: care to explain?
A: okay well u mean that my kind of "perfect" would be a good balance of both good and bad. You know, both good times and happy times..
Q: so your life is not at a good balance right now, is what you're trying to say?
A: yes that's it! Its like even though I get my share of both good and bad I'm still not.. Happy? I try to be, but deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside I know I'm not. This drop of sadness just lives there, but I don't understand why it decides to stay.
Q: do you know how it got there?
A: well.. I have a theory. Its like happiness one day met me. Then it moved in and use to live deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside me , but it moved out when situations changed. Ever since then nothing has been able to move in, well not comfortably at least. So this drop of sadness decided to fill this vacant spot. But it feels like its still empty.. I know that happiness is not here anymore. But I miss the way happiness fit so comfortably. But I don't miss "happiness" its self. Happiness moved out and is shaped differently now. I wouldn't want it to move back in. But I do want this emptiness to be gone.
Q: so what are you going to do about this emptiness ?
A: well for now I think I'm going to leave it open, but not allowing anything move in, and hope that this emptiness will grow over, you know like a piercing.

I'm sorry what did you SAY LOVE?
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Acceptance

Yup, I'm in! :D

Unfortunately this means my summer is going to be cut down to basically 3 weeks :(. First day of actual classes begins July 6. I'm so stoked, but so scared at the same time!! Ahh just want to leave highschool already and start my summer.. Or what's left of it.

Being accepted feels good. The 2 and a half hour interview was worth it!

Knowing what you have to offer is good enough makes you feel useful in this world. Like you do fit in, and your not just a failure at life. When it comes to school, friends, or family. Speaking of family its mothers day today. My mother and I had lots of mother daughter time and had some girl talk time. For the first time in a long time I talked to her like a friend rather then just a mother. I talked to her about stuff she would normally disregard, but she accepted the things I had to say. She understood and gave me feedback. She laughed along with me when the time was right, and she gave advice when it was needed.

I'm happy with how my mothers day went. It wasn't just about gifts and how much was spent on what. But I think I really touched base on the sentimental value of mothers day. I appreciate my mother, and today I think she understood that.

Lately my perspective on a lot of things that are going on in my life has changed. This last dilemma was a eye opener. And I'm glad it happened. My hearts been a little lighter, my eyes are open a little wider, even my mind has found new paths to wonder through. And I'm also being harder on myself. Not letting myself fall for things so easily, not taking everything so seriously, not speaking every word my mind simply comes up with, and not trusting everything that looks nice just like that. This is the way it should be. For now at least, until I discover a new way of thinking of how I should do things. But from what I've learned so far in my life this should be my philosophy.

Usually I don't like change, but I'm accepting this new way of thinking.

Love it or hate it..
i SAY LOVE it!

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Graduation

Its a celebration btchs!

I don't know if I'm actually excited for this. Actually no I'm not. Right now grad to me is just another piece of high school closure. Maybe once my dress is ready and I try it on I'll be picturing how I'll look, no how we'll look : ) and how the night we'll go.

I still can't really take hold of the fact that I'm not going back to high school next year. This is it. And I know times going to fly by. Before I know it I'll be in school again, just not high school. Its may already, and I have no idea where the past couple months went. They really did sweep by quite fast. I guess its the schedule that creates this quick illusion. I love it when I have nothing to do after school.

A day like today. Knowing I had no work I stayed after school 'cause nobody was using the studio. With nobody else around its easier to freestyle. Blast the music as loud as I want, all this free space and "room for activities" haha. And I could just be there as long as I want. But I got tired after an hour. Felt the need to go home and rest since I haven't been able to do that stuff at night. Late nights and early mornings = naps during the day.

So that is exactly what I did. I love having time for myself. I don't get days like this very often. Lately its been school, dance, work, sleep, school dance comp, party, sleep, work, dance, sleep etc etc. So when I have time to sleep, sleep, clean, eat, draw, sleep I am very grateful :)

Yeah, a smile. I do that sometimes. You know when the world isn't on my back crushing not only my little body but my content-ish soul. To simplify it I just mean when I'm under pressure and stressed out. The stress that's been coming over me lately is from what people think and talk about. I'm not afraid to admit that I care what people think about me. Who doesn't? I mean its not like we let it take over our lives, but I mean we all do care what people think of us. Especially when people talk about something really personal about you, and you find out its been cycling around, but nobody really says something, until your one friend who's real with you simply asks about it and talks to you. Real talk. It hurts to know you put your trust in someone's words. But I guess I'm disappointed in myself for trusting anyone's word. We all know secrets get out. I wish I kept this one to myself.

There it is again. I can feel it. My soul being crushed and at the same time slowly sinking lower and lower. So fcking ashamed, and so sorry.

I usually can take care of myself and deal with what ever sht I got going on. But I think I need help this time.

Say where's the love?

Killing me softly.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

How is it that my insides feel flooded.

Blooded; seeping through my weak feeling body.

How is it that my heart is broken

When it never really was fixed to begin with?

Still bleeding from the first shock of impact

That was created by

Your once stupid uncaring actions.

Played me for a fool

Played my heart for a tool.

You thought you could rule

... but it was just cruel.

Drip drip drop

I still hear the blood drippin'

I'm trippin'

Like it was on March 10

Same dark feelings

Room is spinning

Hurt & scared 'cause i'm lost

In my own world.

Trapped in my own body

Not sure of what to do

But just ..

Drip drip drop

The tears are now drippin'

They leave unseen stains

But my, my eyes puff up

Like i've been beat up.

My eyes can't lie

They don't lie.

I have been beaten

Beat by revealed secrets,

Broken promises,

& an ex-lovers ex-trust.

Beat up because it hit me real hard.

Like my tears

It leaves stains,

No scars.

Yet not on my body,

But on my heart.

Say what was once Love?

Help me find my way

Messing me up, my whole head
Teasing me, just like Tisha, did Martin
Now look at what you're starting
Schoolboy's crush and it ain't on the hush
The whole world sees it but you can't
My peoples they complain, sit and rave and rant
Your name is out my mouth like an ancient chant
Got me like a dog as I pause and pant...


Speaking of which, got a leash and I wish just to rock you miss
Make a militant move, peep my strategy
End of the day you're not mad at me
Not dealing with nobody, now that's what you told me
I said: "hey yo, it's cool, we can just be friendly"
'Cause yo, picture me messing it up
Her mind not corrupt with the ill C-Cups
Shit, I'm on my J.O.
Bullshitting, hoping that the day goes slow
Got me like a friend, what confuses me though
Is kisses when we greet, tell me what's the deal yo?


Now you caught my heart for the evening
Kissed my cheek, moved in, you confuse things
Should I just sit out or come harder?
Help me find my way.