Can't wait for the new year & start fresh.
Also anticipating opening Jamie's gift.
Not looking forward to next week.
Looking forward to Arthur's new years party.
Now I should sleep.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
You're sweet
"I'm sorry. Wish I could take that all away."
I'm pretty sure when I see you this week you will.
:)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Love is blind
Its sad to hear you crying over the phone but I mean you kind of built this upon yourself. Hearing you're apology showed me that there is still a window for us to get through to you, because you're starting to realize I yourself. But its sad that it took you Christmas to realize that we're not there because you told us not to be there. Christmas morning, you get up, get a wake up call & realize that your kids aren't there because you pushed them away. Who do you have left? You can answer that one yourself. But is it only christmas that made you realize? If it was a different time of the year would you still be calling to say sorry for everything? Its not like you've made any contact with me since. You didn't bother to answer my email, nor pick up the phone to see what's going on with me?
We've been giving you what you've been asking for, which is time to think. But I know that its not going to do much cause you still got that piece of sht laying around that house corrupting your mind. Manipulating you because you're too in "love" to be seeing things clearly & honestly thinking for yourself.
This years christmas was kind of weak but we still had a lot of other families here for us. Blood related or not, they we're there and that's all that mattered.
You know, I MAY be in love as well "but I'm not stupid in love"
Merry Christmas
& HBD Baby J
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Its pimpin' pimpin'
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Where everybody knows your name..
..even w/out a name tag.
I forgot mine today since all my sht is in boxes right now. I worked today at the restaurant and haven't for a week. The last time I worked an evening shift was probably a month ago or even more then that. I like working the day shifts but the evening shifts gives me more hours.
So today when I was working I got a couple tables asking me "where have you been?" Or "did you go on vacation?".. People notice my absence, & honestly it was of a nice feeling haha. We get a bunch of regulars so they know who works there.
We also get in a lot of locals so I see kids from my high school come in sometimes. Then there are others who have graduated from sullivan years before me that know everyone else. So there was this one table with 4 guys, I'm guessing a year or so older then me. One of them stops me and in my head I'm thinking he's going to ask how tall or how old I am. But no, this one was a little different. He saw the gold chain that my dad gave me & I was wearing and said he liked it. He said it looked nice because everywhere I was walking he'd see it shine. I thought that was the most random comment I have ever gotten from a customer. I gave a smirk, laughed a bit with his buddies, said thank you and went back to working trying not to laugh too hard. An hour or so later kids from sullivan come in, we say hi, and they sit with that group of guys. I guess they went to sullivan too before me. When they are all done eating and are now upfront paying & leaving I start to clean their table and that one guy comes back. Asks me if I needed any help. Laughing under my smile I said no. He's kind of studering and unsure of how to approach me. While I listen to his attempt at asking for my number and to hang out sometime I look over his shoulder and see his friends faces. Their looks seemed shocked that he actually went up to me again but in a good way. He tried to smooth things in by telling me I'm cute and then I just told him to ask my friend Kaela (who was sitting at their table as well) if my number was really what he wanted. Kalea came back to me after and told me how he was asking her to "hook him up" with me lol. We laughed and he left. I hope she didn't actually give him my number. Haha!
BigRidge is a crazy place, but I love it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
sht..
"You're getting skinnier, I can feel it when I hold you"
I didn't notice it till you said something.
"Sandra you're skinnier, your thighs don't even touch"
I didn't believe it till she mentioned it too.
________________________________
horoscope for today:
"Something isn't sitting quite right with you now. Even if you know what you want to do & can visualize it happening, powerful feelings are rising to the surface, making you question your current path. Although your uncertainty won't likely be enough to provoke you to change yo mind, it could sabotage your plan. Expressing negativity may seem counterproductive, but it's also a smart way to clear the air of resistance."
never been so dead on before.
I want you to know why.
" I know I said it once before, but baby I'm just makin' sure. Know that there is nothing more than you. So baby take it all away, I don't need it anyway. I just want another day with you.
Some people just don't know what they have but boy I'm so glad I've got you. Some people say they search all they life but boy it's so nice I've found you.
Some people want it all but I don't want nothing at all If it aint you baby, if I aint got you baby. Some people want diamond rings some just want everything, but it means nothing, nothing if I aint got you."
I normally don't like saying I'm dependent. But I really am. If you weren't in my life still then I don't know who I'd be so dependent on.
Spending my extra hours with you makes everything so much better. It really does feel like nothing even matters. Laying with you, arms around me, holding me & making me feel like everything's going to be alright. Listening to me when I need to vent. Understanding my difficulties and believing in me. Wiping away my tears & being the source of my laughter. Clearing my head with good conversation. Letting me rest while doing me a favor. Taking care of me and making sure I'm going to be taken care of. Showing me you're affection. Loving me emotionally & physically. You make me feel good when I feel like only bad exist. I love you baby, and I want you to know why. Its because you do all that for me and I don't even need to ask.
DKE you are a blessing.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Thankful..
-that I got my bestfriend. (Sh)
-that you're still here for me even though I didn't ask. You called me, you asked me to come over, and even though I didn't ask you to you did me a favor because you're here for me when I'm truly in need.
-for my sister & brother. You guys are holding ground so confidently even though everything is up in the air right now. I love you guys, & I look up to you both. Thanks for staying strong, cause I'm breaking with every bit of corruption that's been going down.
-for god giving us this amazing blessed family. The Amortanto family has been nothing but helpful to all of us. Thank goodness you guys are all cops, thank goodness for you're open arms and letting us into your home. Providing us with shelter. How do we ever repay you? .. That's something I'll be thinking about.
(never thought I would say this but..)
-for Aritzia. Thanks for keeping me busy. Thanks for occupying my mind so I don't have to think of everything else. Thanks for getting me out & out of this mess. But sometimes I need a break from you.
"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
Its time for me to stop being such a pessimist in this situation. Shit's rough, but there's no need to make it any harder on myself.
Thanks.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Home
I've lost the meaning to this word.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Glad you're in prison
You've been nothing but trouble since the day you stepped into our lives. Trying to buy our acceptance, please. We never liked you and never did I ever feel comfortable around you. You made me feel like a stranger in my own home. You were doubted in the beginning and nerves never calmed down when you were around. Ever since you fcked up that first time we knew you couldn't be trusted again. Do you know how much pain you have caused my family? Do you know how fcked up you are? You sick mother fcker I'm glad I caught you. Tryna fool me with your stupid ass lie, I caught you FCKING RED HANDED! And am I EVER glad to know that you're behind bars right now. But that still doesn't cover for the damage you've done to the relationships in the family. You've brainwashed the one thing that could NEVER EVER in a million years be replaced. I hope you're fcking satisfied cause if fcking our lives up was your plan then CON-motherfcking- GRATULATIONS, YOU DID IT all by yourself. You honestly need some help cause you're sick.
It sadden & angers me to see you struggle with a decision like this. I know you're frustrated with everything that is going on but look at what end we're on. Still you can't see which is more important. I really thought you ment that last time you said in that email. But your actions tonight made it clear to see that those feelings that once existed don't exist no more. Here you go, all the space you need. We're gone now, just like you wanted.
I don't like cops but they we're our extra life line tonight. So many questions & so many answers. Record my memory, take notes on my detail, see and hear what I have witnessed. At the station past 12am .. This all started to go down at 11am.
What if I didn't make those plans to go out. Would I have needed to borrow that cardigan, would I have caught that sick fck, would he have done it again the next day.
Tired of these stupid ass lies & sorry ass excuses. Go do something with your life rather than just sitting on you're ass in front of that screen. You're pathetic!
Stop drilling this family into this chaos, cause the more it happens the further this family gets.
FUCK YOU!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Strangely I'm so Happy
Woke up early enough to get ready find my notes and eat. Started work at 10 and did it ever start of great...
An elder lady and her mother come into Aritzia. I go up to them and ask them if they needed help with anything, I show them the new wilfred collection and they liked it. They had good taste. Found out she was looking for her daughters, one being pregnant. (Or she said is going to be in january hahaha!) I helped them pick out many things throughout the store while good conversation was going. They had lovely personalities and we're so easy to talk to and help. In the end while the merchandise was being rung threw they asked for her information. Then asked if her daughters name was the same as hers. And she says "Yep, Buble". Till asks from burnaby? She says "Yep", jokingly I asked "are you related to Michael Buble?" She says... "I'm his mother"
WAS I EVER FILLED WITH INSANE HAPPINESS! I absolutely love michael bubles voice and him himself. And I got to cater to his mom and grandma. Haha they were such sweet people. When and or if Michael has another concert here me & my mom are going FOR SURE!!
So yes work was grrreat! Then during break I did my 30 mins of studying, got to eat lunch and catch up on bbm/text msgs. Went back on and kicked it at 4:30.
Got 2 missed calls. Called back and momma Edwards gave me the sweetest little hope everythings ok, keep doing well, hope you understand, little pep talk. Love you too ma :) we'll keep in touch. & yes we had a wonderfun time in toronto & I'll never forget it, thank you!
Rushed my ass & had a meeting at the school at 5. Then had my final at 630. We finished class with watching transformers and eating pizza. Got my marks and passed with 90% on my test and as my final mark. Pretty happy.
Realized I had forgotten to write something in for work so I headed to metro. Talked up some good school conversation with a classmate & met a girl on the train. She over heard us talking about school and asked us where we went. I asked her and she said she went to langara taking fine arts. As small as a world we live in she ends up knowing another friend that goes there. April I hope you get a new Ipod for christmas haha.
So I'm back at Aritzia filled out what I needed to fill out, quickly said hi to chadley & started to head back to the train. Thursday night I'm done school, I don't work at aritzia or the restaurant tmr and I have a totally free day. I just realized it then so I start calling ppl. Studying, errands tmr, blah blah blah. So I'm staying over serenas house tonight and trying to find something to do tmr. Being distracted by thinking about my day I get on the train. Then realize that I'm on the wrong one when I left columbia. Haha I had to get off switch, get back on, get off, switch, get back on and head back to surrey hahaha fml!
And here I am at surrey central waiting for this bus haha. Good day, and its still going.
Yes tmr I'm watching the lion king with leo! Ugh I love that movie. Ok that's all for now :)
Oh and hi rizzy! ;)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
And a good friend came along
Friend: Usually I'd give a good "everyone deserves to be happy, think positive" sort of thing but I have something different for you. haha.
Me: What's that?
Me: That I should be happy? Lol
Friend: hahah
Friend: nope.
Friend: as much as I think you deserve to be happy. or that you should.
Me: *shouldn't
Friend: You're growing up Cas. Alot. Over the past couple months, a substantial amount. If I know anything about growing up, it means, unfortunately, that there's less time for fun and games. And there's no time for games. Especially the avoiding your girlfriend type games.
Friend: I can tell you what you do deserve. And that's everything. Easy. But you don't deserve to be playing ring around the rosey with your boyfriend. You deserve to TREATed the way you've grown, and that's good. Because tricks are for kids. and that's not you. ha.
Thanks friend.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
If you did it now...
Then I'd be better.
I guess.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Oh Boys..
My day was great. I helped out this guy who wanted to get his girlfriend an outfit for christmas and he was like where did you get your pullover/ sweater. I said here at aritzia. So I showed him where the oversized sweater was and he said actually I like what you're wearing, can you get me all that. Haha I thought it was so cute, and it made me feel good haha. So he got my whole outfit. From my wool high socks, blk leggings, tb tang top, flannel shirt, and oversized sweater. Haha so cute of him.
& then a weird coincidence occurred. This guy comes in, my manager goes up to him asking him what is he looking for. He's looking for rocs so my manager calls me over and says "Cas can you help this man find Roc &Rep for his girlfriend"... And sure enough its my ex boyfriend who moved to Calgary after we broke up. Haha it was good to see Kris again, kind of funny since its been almost 5 years since we were once a "couple". We caught up and I picked out a lovely new pair of rocs for him to get his girl. Hahaha what are the odds. But in the end he helped me out with my sales, so it worked out for the best!
Haha crazy ish.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
ATM: 1:21am
I'm here laying in bed
Bbming 2 different convos
Msning 1
Thinking
Feeling..
Feeling.. Uneasy?
Maybe just hungry
Eyes are feeling a little flushed,
Just watched "This Christmas"
Thank you michael ryan
Oo I should listen to the cd I bought
Maybe it'll clear my head.
Hmm
Where are you?
=\
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I missed you..
After working in surrey, dropping homework at renfrew, & getting fitted in van, I headed to burnaby to watch Winter Groove.
Unfortunately tickets were sold out, so donnel & I had to just chill back stage with the rest of the performers. It was arright but it would have been cool to watch everybody from the audience rather than backstage. It doesn't look as cool. But over all it was still good.
Spontaneously Jonathan asked me if I wanted to perform & do a freestyle with him while Dominique got to sing. I was kind of caught off guard, but deep down I kind of did want to perform. I miss that whole dance scene, but I know that it can't be my life style right now. But I did end up saying yes and had to act as if we were in a relationship together, and then freestyle. It was pretty fun & embarrassing at the same time since we didn't get the timing right and it got kind of awkward on stage hahaha. But it was all fun.
Sicktylz performance looked pretty cool from the side lines but hilarious knowing what was going on backstage. Haha girls were pissed cause they needed help. But everything worked out.
And as always 24/7 looked insanely clean and amazing reppin their new W.I.S.D.O.M. made tees. I'm pretty curious to see what 24/7 is going to look like with the girls in there. Only the future will tell.
Jerome & Justins mom performance I heard was super cute. Kinda sad that I missed it since they brought up their moms and everything. Maybe I'll see it on fb.
Then the original XSS came together.. Haha jp was so cute cause he was pretty stoked to reunite.
The show ended & it was time to bounce. Almost errbody went to the white rock party but me and abby just wanted to go eat. It was preeetty late and we didn't know what was open, so we ended up kickin it different ways haha so sad.
Then my hunger was rescued. I ate in surrey @ bbworld with suboi so it was all good.
Hmm this blog entry is getting lame so I'll stop myself before I go any further.
Off to class I go!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
*sigh :)
Oh Peter.
There's also this song that is new to me which I am also very much feeling. Its by...
Sean Garrett ft. Ludda - GRIPPIN ON THE BED
You must listen ;) haha good song.
Aaarrrright, project time.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Love Brings Change
"Maybe the world doesn't see you and maybe they dont understand.
Just cause you don't see the footprints don't mean that there not in the sand.
I know your surrounded by strangers it
feels so alone in your heart.
But when everyone stands in the darkness no one can tell them apart.
Now everyone has there own stories and nobodys ends quite the same.
I love for the days in the sunshine up over the nights in the rain.
But love brings change
Love brings change
Love brings change
Love brings change
Oh love brings change when you need it
Love love love brings change"
-Jamie Foxx
____
A friend of mine has met someone new. This new person has been bringing only good to my friends life. Just before this someone came around my friend was in that state where everything in life sucked because their loved one moved on. This new "love" that has come along is turning the world around for my friend. & I'm glad to see my friend that way.
__
You learn a lot from these changes. Most of the time these changes are good. They are especially a good experience to go thru because you see things a little differently. You then carry on this new information and put it into good use for the next time you have an encounter with another wonderful experience.
I wish you all the best with this new someone. Happy looks good on you.
____
I had a dream last night.. I hardly remember it but I just had a dream flash back, and I think I was working in a museum trying to physically time off of work. Haha, yeah I don't know...
____
"Oh love brings change when you need it"
I don't think you and I have changed just yet. We don't need it right now. But we are learning together & I'm glad we are. Can't wait till you're back. It'll be like june all over again. *sigh :)
Miss you D.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Thin Ice
There I am standing on thin ice with a smile on my face and a cupcake in my hand. With out ever knowing possibly when the ice might decide to break. The only advanced notification I can get is starting to hear the ice crack, which leaves me barely any time to react if I'm lucky.
Smiling because for the moment everything is good. Cupcake in my hand because life is sweet deal with what I got going on when things work out. But the thin ice is my schedule which I can love & hate at the very same time.
__________________
Its crazy, lately I've been feeling like I've gotten a lot of good karma... If karma really does exist. & I like to believe it does so ha! :)
Alright homework time!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Misses...
-my Jh boys
-my jh girls
-kuchas
-cotillion entourage
-jamiejane
-douglaskelvin
-her daddy
-dancing
-summer
-"dora" baby
-seeing the flashing blue LED go off
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Balance
Work times at Aritzia were conflicting with BigRidge work times & then school change their schedule dates which were the same time as work.. It was just not an organized week for me. I guess I've lucked out for the past 4 weeks.
I needed to let out the confusion & stress pains I've been hiding. I really didn't know I had them till last night. It was quite overwhelming but it happens.
I haven't had a night like that in.. A LONG time. I don't like it, but because its a familiar feeling I'm not scared of it. I just know that I have to deal with it & then keep moving forward.
So that is exactly what I did today. Got my ass up, showered & I already was starting to feel better. Yeah the mirror wasn't my best friend this morning but my morning face from last nights sorrow was slowly fading as the day passed by & new feelings grew over. My eye lids looked like they gained 5 pounds each haha but it made my eyelashes look extra long.
I got to work earlier than I thought & I felt good being dressed up & prepared to work. Work started off slow for a bit but it wasn't too bad. A lot of new girls were on but we had some major top sellers on the floor. But I managed to do quite well. My SPH doubled since my last shift & boy was I glad. I was brutally honest on who I was helping & wasn't helping. I think that gave me good karma.
I didn't even have to close today since metro was open till 9. I got to get out by 6 so I was so relieved! On the way to the train stopped into the stores where I knew friends might be working so it was nice running into familiar faces.
My heart beat is back on its normal pace & my eyes are at its original state. Life alright. Lifes not balanced, but its alright. & I can deal with that right now.
Yes I can.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Can't sleep
I have work tmr..
Stress load is killing me
Someone help...
Or just shoot me,
Shoot me now.
Major FML moment. Yeah fuck!!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
& we chilled..
Too lazy to go out. Work tired me out this morning.
Happy birthday baby girl.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
The other day..
It actually reminded me of the day I got to see my grad dress. The lady making my dress called me & let me know it was ready to be checked out before the final finish. Kelvin, Serena, and Mark all came with me & waited in the next room while I put this dress on. The design was A LOT different from how I originally wanted it. My dress was NOT supposed to be fitted at all. It was actually supposed to hang everywhere, but w/e. I put it on and came out. My entourage liked it, but it was hard for me to appreciate since I wasn't so happy about the dress though it did turn out pretty nice. I didn't want no shiny beads or any of that typical ish. But it was a little different from the crowed & I was satisfied.
My grad was fun, Kelvins grad was amazing.. Since it felt like it was mine, & my debut was great. I wore that dress to all 3 events. Hahaha! W/e I got my use out of it & will probably never use it again.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Yeah we did..
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)