212
Goodnight

Woke up late
Rushed to the skytrain
Walked really fast to
The scotia dance centre
Had my meeting
Officially start teaching
JULY 7!
Kelvin & Malcolm
Picked me up
All you can eat
@ Robson sushi
Walked & shopped
New top & nail polish
Later Dukester
Kelvin surprised me with
Tickets to a play
Shakespeare comedy
Pretty fcking funny!
Walked from the
Space centre to
Kitts beach
Watched the sun go down
Talked about the history
Of our scars.. Mostly mine
Walked back to the car
Picked up a hooker
(Jk.. that's for next time ;)
Drove home
He asked my mom for permission
Possibility of me going to Toronto
A week away & to ourselves :)
Watched a movie downstairs
Feel asleep
And then he left
@ 215

Don't SAY you don't know how much I LOVE surpises!

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6:23
Aubrey's Debut was wonderful. Night ended early, but cleaning up was fun! Everybody going around trying to pop as many balloons as possible. Ladies with their heels and fellas trying to pop each others balloons under their shirts to see if they could take the sting of the plastic popping. The party ended around 1230 for me till I got picked up. Once I was in the car, had I not known that it was going to be the beginning of my night.
Dropped Shellaine off, and headed back to surrey to kill time before picking up the 5intoxicated clubbers "its ma birthday bitch!" Picking them up from one of the mcDs was so interesting to watch. While lame guys hit on drunk girls and big guys tried to start sht with biggER guys, I enjoyed the biggest icecream cone I've ever had from any mcds I've ever gone too. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't think of that at the moment. Mind was so occupied with the many distractions around me. Kelvin was reading my horoscope but I don't think I was paying attention hahaha, sorry babe. After dropping everyone home we got in around 3 and had the rest of the night for ourselves. I think it was the first time we didn't watch "whose line is it anyways?" amazing! Can't actually recall the last thing we were watching. But I do recall falling asleep involuntarily. I enjoyed that actually, but lucky I woke up at 6ish to realize that I needed to get my ass home. So here I am @ 645 writing this blog before I go back to sleep again. Damn its so bright out already.
I mean it when I say this...
GOODnight!

Don't you SAY good bye. Till you leave me for that additional 2 months...now its 7! I hate you for telling me that! I was just accepting 5months.

I LOVE accidentally sleeping over. I'm going to miss that! Uhhhhh you suck!

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Yes my hairs growing :)
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Rest In Paradise

He says most of what I was thinking...

& yeah i did tear up!

SAY your respects to one of the most LOVEd men on this earth.

R.I.P

GRADuated..

Today, we picked up our report cards at school. I'm glad to say that i finished off the year finding out that I recieved 2 department awards. One for Dance12 and the other was for an "Outstanding Art Student Award." Recieving the Shirley Clements Scholarship from Outbreak was a bonus, as well as winning a $1,000 Scholarship for FineArts. Honestly, I thought that I would be leaving school with my grad cap and thats about it. These awards came as a surprise to me. To think of what I could have gotten if I actually TRIED? haha :P But i'm happy & i'm pretty sure my parents (especially my mom) are pretty pleased as well. Here I go out into what everyone is calling "The real world." Working a full time job for the summer, as well as a 2nd teaching job. Then once october rolls in School starts up again. And within another year and a half i'll have my diploma and off with my career! A year and a half isn't even that long. Highschool was 4/5 years long and I can still remember grade 8 so vividly. Everythings basically set...

I want this summer to last. Since we both know it'll be another Megan Fox and Shia Labeouf good bye. Except that you're not going to be coming back to save the world with Optomis Prime. Once September comes you're off to University... while I go to school here. 5 months is a long time, i just hope you don't have to extend you're stay for any reason. Transfer to UBCVan as soon as you can. So until september we got to do all the things we said we would. Lets make the most of our summer together, even if half of it might include Juan ;) haha jk.

Don't SAY LOVE.. not yet.

You know, right when we started talking again I had overwhelmed by our friendship slowly growing over small conversations and late night hang outs. When we reached that official point we were at peak point, or at least I felt that way for a bit. Every time we were together, my love soul would fly higher. But as time between us apart came along my high would burn out and the feelings would go back to its neutral; @ its satisfactory point. Why was this I asked? Why was I feeling just okay with everything when everything was going perfect?
Cause it was too good to be true. You made me happy all the time. My family loves you, and didn't mind how late you kept me out. My mom trusts me way too much when I'm with you. You get a long with everyone I make you meet. And I still wasn't feeling it as much as I should have been. Today I found out why. Today I got that sure feeling. Today we "argued".
That's all I needed. I needed that balance of good and bad. I guess I can't really say it was bad nor did we really argue, but we just communicated with a struggle, and I liked that. You cared too much, and I pushed you away to stop. But you're cute when you care. Like I said I was just tired and cold. No big, not your fault, so I don't know why you need to say sorry. Plus I do owe you for taking care of me that night. I'm so sorry... I partied way too early.
So now that I have gotten to see that we can have a down side I'm more then happy and more then satisfied :D I'm in...l..l.. No, I'm not going to SAY LOVE. Not yet :)

Thanks batman
Love: the gongshow ;) (thnks GG)
Haha fm new nickname, I'm the sht!
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Yourwords

You've always been good with your words. Ever since grade 8. My yearbook in grade 8 was one for the books, but in grade 9.. Well you know how much that made me cry, it even made Mel cry and it wasn't even for her! And here we are now in grade 12 making up for lost times through 10 and 11. Now your writing was even better than before.

I know you're words are truly written. No pressure nor force, just straight from the heart, mind, and sweet memories. References only you and I would understand, and only expressed feelings that would come from our specific relationship. You make me feel stupid when I'm around you because you're words are as if they've been read out of an award winning book about a troubled heart that found its way to love. I don't know how you do it, or what exactly it is you're doing, but please don't stop. Your charm has seem to win over my families hearts. Especially my mom, lola, and even my sister!! Which is the most hardest person to impress. You don't have to keep trying to win me over.. You should already know that you did that a long time ago.

You don't see how great full I am to have you back in my life... You make me want to show you off, but at the same time I don't because I'm selfish and just want to have you for myself.

"I would call you my 'Princess';.." Yes I do still have my tiara from gr9 :) "..say I 'Love' you; Just puppy love. But I don't think I understand what we had. I'm glad I learned from the past. I no longer greatly regret breaking up with you. I now see it was to prepare me for greater time. It took two and a half years for me to rebuild myself, to realize how much I need you. My life has changed because of you and for that I am eternally grateful." - dke

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Life has been soo good to me

Highlights from my best week(end) ever...

wed. GRADDRESS&PRACTICE
Afterskew he, serena and mark came with me to check out my grad dress for the very first time. Was nothing like the style I gave her to make but it turned out pretty nice even though it was still undone.
Headed home and donnel came over to practice for Dancity. Practiced from 5-11 and we finally had our piece made up and ready for teaching

thurs. COMMENCEMENT
After skew got ready at home, make up did and all that jazz, got picked up by derek and headed to the bell centre. On stage I found out that I won a Dogwood fine arts scholarship for $1000. I was so happy, and all I could hear was serena and my dad cheering in the audience. Although I wished my brother and sister could have made it I was happy that my dad, his gf, my mom, her bf, my lola, my bestfriend, and he were all there to support me.
Later that night we went back to my place celebrated and then serena went home. He stayed over till 2am watching "vicky christina barcelona" with me my moms and her bf. I never thought my mom could be so cool with a guy stayin over so late haha.

fri. PROMNIGHT & DRYGRAD
Jermi came over early and we got ready. Moms took pictures and we headed to meet our limo. We all went to QE (obvs) took pics and headed to vancouver convention centre. Our room was gorgeous and had an amazing view because one whole wall was glass. Jermi was being an amazing grad date. No regrets! This perfect night went on to dry grad. Las vegas baby!! Poker tables, cartoonist, sumo wrestling, blow up boxing, bun gee running, movies, fondue, mocktails, and a hypnotist! Too many deats but it was real fun.
Didn't get home till 6 am, and then I passed out!

sat. RECOVERY
Woke up at 12, went back to sleep at 3 woke up at 7. Got an email finding out I received that extra "Shirley Clements scholarship" from outbreak and got an extra 100 in my pocket. "That's so cool you get money for being awesome" hahaha rachel you're so cute! Went over to jamies house. Got home at 11 pm. He came over at 12.

sun. :) & DANCITY
He stayed till 4am. Mom was cool with it. New status :). Went to sleep & woke up at 9. Headed over to richmond and Dancity was happening. Me and donnel had over 50 people take our class! Huge success! Dj was bumpin and we all had fun. Sickstylz symphony had raised just over 1900! Thanks to all of the people who came out to support! Much love.

mon. NEWOPPORTUNITY
A little while ago I had a teaching job lined up for me. Unfortunately I had to turn it down because of skew at AI. But plan changed and I'm starting at AI in october. So in the summer I plan on getting a 2nd job. But I found out there is another teaching job available for me downtown at the scotiabank theater. If all works out well I'm going to take this opportunity and ill be a part time dance teacher. I don't want to have to keep passing up open doors like this. Thanks to marc I also got another audition lined up later this month. Life has just been soo good to me! I'm so glad I am where I am.

Schools almost over, extra money in the pocket, job opps popping up, and a new status with he. Who SAYs shts too good to be true? My life is sooo gooood and its all true! I LOVE my life :)

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Vicky Christina Barcelona

Happy at its best

2:17am

Where do I begin? Haha its so hard to see since my eyes are really puffed up right now, and my cheeks are in a manageable amount of pain due to all the smiles that were expressed voluntarily and involuntarily :) more details about that after.

It started off with commencement practice. All the grads of our class sat in our spots for the actual commencement, and then we grabbed out gowns. Everybody was full of stories and comments of high school past times and graduation. Many of the jocks stand by me saying "yo cas we got to take a picture together later" haha I enjoyed it. I have a feeling that I just might be remembered. Already just having the gown in my hand just did it for me. This is it. We're walking the stage.

Get home, get ready and get pictures taken with my loving lola <3 Derek picked me up and the next thing you know is that I'm taking pictures with all the grads I've actually talked to this year hahaha. Parents come, and so does my bestfriend, and guyfriend. There I am sitting on my ass for a good 2 hours grabbing some entertainment from antonio and joshua. Just met josh that night but we hit it off well. Slowly I start to get nervous as our line gets closer and closer to getting my steps across that stage without falling on my face. Then there I am. I see antonio walk to the end of the stage and its my turn.. "Cas_____ P.." " WOOOOOO GO CASSSS" haha I love you serena! And then as I'm about to walk off "Casandra has also won a scholarship for fine arts.." !!!!! Yeah 1000 to bank into my tuition at AI. Fck yeah!! I was so nervous about that scholarship application but I'm glad I did it. Came out to my dad, his girl, my mom, her boy, my lola, bestfriend, and him. I was a little upset my siblings couldn't make it, but they're there for me when I need them most. Didn't take much time taking pictures after cause I know ill get a bunch tomorrow at grad so we headed back to my place.

Carrying a bouquet of roses and another bouquet of flowers was a little difficult but I liked it :)

Totally satisfied with how the night went but that's just the begining. The 3 of us (me, bestfriend, and he) sat in my kitchen ate, talked, and enjoied each others company up until serena kicked it at 1030. He and I stayed talking till 1120 then we headed downstairs to cool down in the basement. Ma and bf came down aswell to watch a movie. So we watched with them. Watched one of the best movies ever and I definitely want to hit up spain to see the beautiful artwork and enjoy the way of life in culture and art over there. The way they live is so beautiful and full of passion, art, and love. I can't explain much more, its something you'll just want to make a living out of. Living a life of inspiration is soul satisfying. One day! We'll get over there.

Movie ended a bit after 2, and I'm glad you stayed till the end. Now I can't stop thinking of happy thoughts. I know corny but true. The night ended wit goodbyes and goodnights.

Blog more bout the wonderful day/night a little later. I'll SAY by the end of this weekend LOVE will come over me and stories with follow. Till then g'night!

Grad here I come :)
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blogspot

Currently listening to...
Flying Lotus - Rest ez

So on my last blog I received an anonymous comment from a Jane Doe. (Started using this term cause of CSI haha) it actually really got to me. To think that people actually read what I got to say. Its not like I'm making huge public announcements that are private and hoping no one reads it.. I am aware that I am posting my thoughts up on the web. But as much as I did promote that I do have blogspot, I just didn't think that anyone would ...(well as much as I don't want to sound like a broken record).. actually read my blogs.

I guess I should know better since I do just about the same thing. I have an icon for the blogs I follow on my itouch. So if I feel the need to check on updates of peoples lives I take a few moments before bed to read up on my friends lives. Its quite convenient considering I don't have a laptop, nor a computer of my own. Its stuck in my brothers room so I don't exactly have all the access I think I would need.. Or want. But that's where my bb data plan, and itouch wifi comes in handy.

But back to this Ms. Anonymous..
I thank you for your thoughts about my blogs, and I'm honored that my blogs some what take part in your interest. I share the same interest as you. I do learn from my own blogs and my friends when I read them. Gives me different perspectives on Life's situations. But mostly when I write my own blogs I tend to take a moment to really open up my mind, organize my thoughts, and lay them out straight to make sense of it all. One of the major things I've learned pretty recently is to always try to keep that optimistic side above the pessimistic. But I'll admit I try to keep that philosophy but more for the public image rather then my self. At the moment it seems as if its the right thing to do, but deep deep down I know its not completely healthy. If you want the attention then yeah, go for it. Cry your eyes to the world, but just know that you won't always get the attention or the feedback you want. I rather not take that chance in being publicly embarrassed with my sad life stories. Especially because I know that there are so many other who go thru the same sht, and sometimes a lot worse. Yeah, so to keep my personal, private life on the dl is fine by me. I'll save my tears for myself when I know I can just calm down and think things through with myself, or when I can just cry out loud and let it out. I understand though that some people need to let it out, and just break when they least hope they would and that's where true friends come in and help. This is where I can feel for someone else's troubles.

Just like you Ms. Anon "Although I don't know much bout your past, and your status, but just by observing you and your accomplishments, it stuns me that someone like you can feel sad. It makes me sad to see you sad..." Haha that's cute, and I appreciate your sympathy. I too also hope that I will find "someone worth [my] time and [my] heart-aches." But I probably won't find hat guy after going through a couple more relationships... Unless I'm really fortunate. Haha but if you've seen "He's just not that into you" then you would call me the exception.. Again UNLESS I am really fortunate. Until then, I'm just another girl with heart-aches, stories, and baggage.

Btw, you make me really curious to whom you might me (okay I faked that, I don't really know how to use the 2 different but the same terms "who"&"whom") but I like the secrecy of it. Kind of mysterious. Like I'm playing guess who.. "Is your person a guy?" "No" knock down more then half the characters on the board. "Does your person wear glasses?" Eliminate 5 more characters... Haha dope game. Anyways keep doing what your doing. I hope I keep my life interesting enough for you haha.

I SAY anonymous readers got mad LOVE for bloggers such as myself.

Currently listening to...
The strokes - Soma
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"Complicated"

Why did this word have to come to be? Why can't there just be straight answers and direct points of views? The way we think can be so "complicated" because of all these factors in our lives. We think one way because of that, but the other because of this and sometimes blah blah blah. These factors are our feelings and P.O.V's of everything around us. Because we feel one way, let say happy, we think about all of the good times in the past and reminisce. But if we were mad, then you'd think about all of the bad times you've gone through. But right now my mind is at its most complicated peak!

Ill be straight and say it like it is so it won't be complicated to understand, but you'll still get the complexity in it.
I'm sad right now because I'm thinking of the good times we once shared. I knew happiness was there for me as long as you were. But I took advantage of that which pushed it away. Now that its gone I miss it. I want to be THAT kind of happy again.

Truth be told.. I am happy for you. You found exactly what you were wanting. I guess I don't show it cause I'm jealous... Yes I admit I'm jealous :( .. that you found it so soon and easily. That kind of love that you got now doesn't come easily. I mean it took us some time and hardships to build that kind of love. I just hope that when I find it I don't loose it... Not again.

But I'm in no rush. Ill wait for mine. You know I mean its nice taking a small peek at seeing what it could look like with nice ..... here and there. I can give it a chance, but I know that I'm not going to let myself fall for the next John Doe that says nice things. It doesn't hurt having someone to call up and chill with when you just want to sit back, stay in, and watch a movie. Nothing complicated, real simple actually. And I can cope with that. Like I said I'll wait.

I SAY I can wait for LOVE.

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Optomistic?

Dad was gone for 2 weeks. Brother and I go see him. I come in the door and my pop says to me "oh casandra you're getting more beautiful. Your teeth are getting straighter" I laugh and say thanks. We walk to the living room and he says to be " are you gaining weight?" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Then my brother decides to add in "yeah your thighs look fatter. When you walked into my room this morning to wake me up I didn't realize it was you" hahaha! My whole family has been bugging me about my weight and stuff. Who ever said they couldn't imagine me getting fat. Maybe it hasn't yet but it seems like I'm on my way. But I find it just soo funny cause I actually see it. I smiled in the mirror and I noticed that I grew cheeks behind my cheeks! Yeah! Not double chin, double cheeks! Funny sht huh? Its all good though. I did want to gain a little. Wasn't quite happy with the width of my arms haha. Haha I broke my weight record! I'm finally in the 80s! Peace out 75pounds, I've grown and gained :) sup carbs?

Anyways today I had a real good day. School was brutally boring because I did sht all. Like actually. I almost have no point in going to school. The only work I've actually done lately for my classes is make the backup dancers routine for Ava's performance for the year end dance show. And I do that durring my spare!

But besides that schools almost over so good for that. OH I got this the other day ... Yeah my AI student pass. Haha, wasn't exactly sure when he was taking the picture so it looks like a mug shot. Oh well.

After school, chilled with bryan for a bit at the bistro, dragged on about how I don't want to go to work cause its such a nice day haha. Then went home, discussed my life finacially with my ma and her bf. Took a nap and headed to work.

Fcking work was PACKED! Me and hayden managed hosting everyone but. It got pretty intense. So many parties came when we were about to close. Made Brendan and Kelvin wait an extra half hour for me. Sooooooorry!

Headed to the park, did what we did. Haven't laughed like that in a while. Good sht. That one guy scared the sht out of me walking towards us like that. Go get a life man! Haha! Did the mcds quick bite and laughed even more. Sexy girl talk and then bounced home. Now I'm here writing this blog thinking about tonight. I enjoyed myself I really did :)

Tmrs going to be good too. I know it :)
Work hard, then play harder! Haha life story.

Good day. Good night. I SAY I LOVE this day.
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THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD.. i think i tripped, stumbled, and maybe fell in love?

Did i just SAY LOVE?

;) nahh

but i do believe that this is quite cute.

Make me laugh, show me off, make me smile, surprise me, don't hold back, be cute, quote TLC, joke around, show me your moves & i'll be satisfied =P

FredPerry.com/sculpture

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Sharpiehigh

Thinking cap on
Boredom overflowing

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Recreate w/out restriction

Acrylics, water paints, and sharpies.
My day off, so I thought I might do something productive. Something I normally wouldn't have time to do, something I haven't done in a while.. Draw/paint. Even though I have 2 blocks of art I use both of them for media (photshoppin'). I like this piece, but I don't love it. Critiquing myself is a good way to improve, and better myself for next time. This piece was basically all freestyle. Started by looking around my room and saw Digits (the monkey ; tyMeeks) then it just kinda flowed. Added some paint, then colored it in then this became what it is. A lot of clutter going on, especially towards the bottom left. Made it look too busy. But now I know better next time. Still many other this I could point out. But I believe that's the most obvious. Dare to differ? Do COMMENT! Another persons perspective is always better then the artist them self.

Days where I don't work are the best. I'm so glad I booked off this long weekend! Though it was supposed to be for camping.. Plans tend to change, but I can adapt. Time to meet the bestfriends bf :) , birthday diner, do a bit of soul searching, and craft viewing with a friend, or at least something along those lines haha. Wow, a weekend with no work! Ahh I can't wait!

Another thing I can't wait for is GRAD! Yeah, a couple post back ago I said I wasn't excited. Now I am. Ever since we had the gr12 assembly to hear the valedictorian speeches it really got to me. One of them almost made me tear up! To think back of all the memories, from kindergarten all the way up till now.. 12years later! Holy, when you hear it like that its like schools been your whole life, and you're finally done! .. At least until collage/university. Ha! More school. But really grad is getting closer. Besides this one unfortunate even, I'm pretty happy with this grad outcome. Can't wait till my dress is finished. So simple, but so.. Perfect.

*sigh..

Q: what's up baby girl?
A: Shts good, just not great.
Q: now why might that be?
A: because the word "perfect" is a foreign word to my life vocabulary
Q: well, you know that nothings perfect right?
A: well yeah but when I say perfect, I mean perfect up to an average standard
Q: care to explain?
A: okay well u mean that my kind of "perfect" would be a good balance of both good and bad. You know, both good times and happy times..
Q: so your life is not at a good balance right now, is what you're trying to say?
A: yes that's it! Its like even though I get my share of both good and bad I'm still not.. Happy? I try to be, but deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside I know I'm not. This drop of sadness just lives there, but I don't understand why it decides to stay.
Q: do you know how it got there?
A: well.. I have a theory. Its like happiness one day met me. Then it moved in and use to live deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside me , but it moved out when situations changed. Ever since then nothing has been able to move in, well not comfortably at least. So this drop of sadness decided to fill this vacant spot. But it feels like its still empty.. I know that happiness is not here anymore. But I miss the way happiness fit so comfortably. But I don't miss "happiness" its self. Happiness moved out and is shaped differently now. I wouldn't want it to move back in. But I do want this emptiness to be gone.
Q: so what are you going to do about this emptiness ?
A: well for now I think I'm going to leave it open, but not allowing anything move in, and hope that this emptiness will grow over, you know like a piercing.

I'm sorry what did you SAY LOVE?
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Acceptance

Yup, I'm in! :D

Unfortunately this means my summer is going to be cut down to basically 3 weeks :(. First day of actual classes begins July 6. I'm so stoked, but so scared at the same time!! Ahh just want to leave highschool already and start my summer.. Or what's left of it.

Being accepted feels good. The 2 and a half hour interview was worth it!

Knowing what you have to offer is good enough makes you feel useful in this world. Like you do fit in, and your not just a failure at life. When it comes to school, friends, or family. Speaking of family its mothers day today. My mother and I had lots of mother daughter time and had some girl talk time. For the first time in a long time I talked to her like a friend rather then just a mother. I talked to her about stuff she would normally disregard, but she accepted the things I had to say. She understood and gave me feedback. She laughed along with me when the time was right, and she gave advice when it was needed.

I'm happy with how my mothers day went. It wasn't just about gifts and how much was spent on what. But I think I really touched base on the sentimental value of mothers day. I appreciate my mother, and today I think she understood that.

Lately my perspective on a lot of things that are going on in my life has changed. This last dilemma was a eye opener. And I'm glad it happened. My hearts been a little lighter, my eyes are open a little wider, even my mind has found new paths to wonder through. And I'm also being harder on myself. Not letting myself fall for things so easily, not taking everything so seriously, not speaking every word my mind simply comes up with, and not trusting everything that looks nice just like that. This is the way it should be. For now at least, until I discover a new way of thinking of how I should do things. But from what I've learned so far in my life this should be my philosophy.

Usually I don't like change, but I'm accepting this new way of thinking.

Love it or hate it..
i SAY LOVE it!

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