As soon as I dropped you off & was home organizing my week it hit me. My conflicting schedule did it for me. I could have sworn I felt the hairs on my head turning white & my eyes just bulging out.
Work times at Aritzia were conflicting with BigRidge work times & then school change their schedule dates which were the same time as work.. It was just not an organized week for me. I guess I've lucked out for the past 4 weeks.
I needed to let out the confusion & stress pains I've been hiding. I really didn't know I had them till last night. It was quite overwhelming but it happens.
I haven't had a night like that in.. A LONG time. I don't like it, but because its a familiar feeling I'm not scared of it. I just know that I have to deal with it & then keep moving forward.
So that is exactly what I did today. Got my ass up, showered & I already was starting to feel better. Yeah the mirror wasn't my best friend this morning but my morning face from last nights sorrow was slowly fading as the day passed by & new feelings grew over. My eye lids looked like they gained 5 pounds each haha but it made my eyelashes look extra long.
I got to work earlier than I thought & I felt good being dressed up & prepared to work. Work started off slow for a bit but it wasn't too bad. A lot of new girls were on but we had some major top sellers on the floor. But I managed to do quite well. My SPH doubled since my last shift & boy was I glad. I was brutally honest on who I was helping & wasn't helping. I think that gave me good karma.
I didn't even have to close today since metro was open till 9. I got to get out by 6 so I was so relieved! On the way to the train stopped into the stores where I knew friends might be working so it was nice running into familiar faces.
My heart beat is back on its normal pace & my eyes are at its original state. Life alright. Lifes not balanced, but its alright. & I can deal with that right now.
Yes I can.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I was caught up watching "say yes to the dress" & I never usually watch that, but it caught my eye.. well that & I didn't feel like changing the channel. But all the dresses we're pretty decent, except for the one that was covering the neck & shoulders. Very old fashioned. I think I saw one that I liked, haha just one that I liked.. Not thinking of actually getting close to that stage in my life haha but just saying.
It actually reminded me of the day I got to see my grad dress. The lady making my dress called me & let me know it was ready to be checked out before the final finish. Kelvin, Serena, and Mark all came with me & waited in the next room while I put this dress on. The design was A LOT different from how I originally wanted it. My dress was NOT supposed to be fitted at all. It was actually supposed to hang everywhere, but w/e. I put it on and came out. My entourage liked it, but it was hard for me to appreciate since I wasn't so happy about the dress though it did turn out pretty nice. I didn't want no shiny beads or any of that typical ish. But it was a little different from the crowed & I was satisfied.
My grad was fun, Kelvins grad was amazing.. Since it felt like it was mine, & my debut was great. I wore that dress to all 3 events. Hahaha! W/e I got my use out of it & will probably never use it again.
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Walking to the bus. I bundled myself up & left just a bit early. I had time to stop and take a picture of this beautiful spider web I saw on the way. I'm plugged into my ipod & the perfect song starts to play..
So turn to this Head on And keep on Keeping on
I'll need heart and I'll need courage We all need time So let's make time... work for us Let's make time work for us Let's make time work for us Let's make time work for us
Let's take our precious time about it Let's take our precious time about it Let's take our precious time about it Let's take our precious time about it
Don't you know, well god only knows. Is there somebody waiting? So you'll hold yourself up and you'll hold yourself in And then pray that you are growing
And turn this, Darkness Into light, and I'll turn too bright Forget all the hype "
-The Maccabees PRECIOUS TIME
Great song
Last night was needed. & because of last night today is better.
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"There's a war inside of me Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground... And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down" - Tegan & Sara YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME *So Jealous
"Sometimes sitting in the dark wishing you were here turns me crazy, but it's you who makes me lose my head." - Adele CRAZY FOR YOU *19
"But first you took me around introduced me to your family&friends And told them how once we met that we would never lose" - Solange Knowles I DECIDED *I DECIDED
"I'm a mess right now Out of order I'm torn up, I'm goin down Won't you hold me together I'm porin out I need you that's how I fee... Cause I been needin you lately" - Keri Hilson WHERE DID HE GO *In A Perfect World
"So glad I found you babe So thankful for your ways Its such a blessing To love and be loved in return I tried to keep myself from you But now I finally see the truth Can't nobody love me like you do" - The Foreign Exchange WANNA KNOW *Leave It All Behind
"Sensitive, its true Alligator tears cried over you" - Tegan & Sara ALLIGATOR *Satinthood
More coming soon.... Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
being so far away not being able to talk to you. Or at least properly. I'm half asleep so I don't even know when you're talking to me, or what I'm saying.
The loves there, we both know it. You keep reminding me it is. Talking to you on msn for 5mins is a huge tease. I don't know if it is for you, but it is for me.
.. I love you too, you know I do.
Stop saying sorry. We're both busy, we knew this would be. Like I said before, we're going to have nights where we have nothing to say, or night where we have too much to say, or times where we just won't have a chance to talk to each other. Understood, so yes I appreciate the apology but one "sorry" is enough. Its not your fault that it's like this.
I miss you a lot. When you come back we'll have a lot to talk about. Or at least we should.
See you soon... Enough.
: ( Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
First & foremost I would just like to say that I LOVE it when my name is spelled correctly :)
I think that if I had less things going on in my life I'd be better at them.
If I were to just be..
*working @ Big Ridge then I -would offer more hours to put in -cover more shifts others can't -study the menu so I can get my foods card
*working @ Aritzia I -would work full time -get to know my PK -(which would probably) bring up my SPH -buy more clothes :)
*going to school I -would spend a LOT more time on projects/homework -draw A LOT more -fill in some empty canvases -would be taking full time course loads -would be broke
*dancing I -would still be in Sickstylz -would still be teaching downtown -would keep teaching Sullivan's Senior team & the boys team (but A.T.M. I'm just doing seniors) -would be broke haha!
*performing in the olympics I -wouldn't have to bother tweaking my life's schedule.
I wish I could give a full 100% to all of these things here but my body cannot handle it. Lately I haven't been sleeping much (min.2-max5hrs of sleep a night), eating properly (I only have one proper meal each day which is at night), & keeping my room clean. That's kind of a big thing for me. I live in my room, so if my room is messy, my life is messy. I feel so unorganized & lazy when its not clean & I don't like the feeling. But I don't always have the time.
2-3 days a week @ Big Ridge 3 days a week @ Aritzia 3 days a week @ School 1 day a week @ Sullivan (teaching) 1 day a week @ Olympic rehearsals
As much as I LOVE being busy I would like more self time for sleep & eating!
Oh gezzz.
I think I like testing my limits. I do that with a lot of things in my life. Push till I can't push no further. Its almost like I like to suffer. I get some sort of kick out of it that I don't even realize when I'm actually doing it.
100% a busy bee
Goodnight
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as much as we'd like to leave it behind we never really do forget. We delete, we throw away, we keep thoughts in our heads & out of our mouths, we go on like we should and we "forget."
Some say it takes 3 years, some say 1. How do you really know? How do I know its forsure or if i'm just remembering.
I think I want to be f.. f... well you know, the "F" word. I want to still be able to talk to/ see her. I really miss her. Miss watching her grow day to day. Its not going to happen, but maybe we'll bump into each other. But I probably wont be remembered. I'll be a stranger in those eyes, while these eyes would have tears, (knowing how sensitive I get in sittuations like that)all because I got to see the start of something beautiful from day one. From the first time her eyes opened to the world, to the days where her pretty eyes couldn't stop holding back tears to her beautiful eyes seeing one candle on her very first cake. Then it all faded.
I hear she's got down sentences. & the last time I heard her speak all that would come out was "Dora"
Can't wait till christmas. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
This is the first time today that I've watched Glee. It was cute, but it hit me. Reminded me of highschool. You know, maybe not all the songs. But a certain situation.
It hasn't crossed my mind in a while. Yet it still hits me pretty hard in the heart, but I can still go on.
Yeah, I can.
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My sister told me to get hammered with her. & I respond "YES-S-S-I-R"
Taking shots with the older cousins. They finally see I'm not so "little" any more. Ha, fun. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
"If you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself" -b&w
Yesterday I fell asleep to some black & white movie. When I see b&w movies on I like to watch them. Actors back then were very different then how actors are now. I liked it then, they seem very passionate. Maybe its the perfect lighting which gives off this flawless look, or maybe its the complementary shades of just b&w. Either way it works marvelously. It might even be in the way they talk. Almost like the Gilmore girls how they talk super fast. But when it comes to a really emotional part they slow down and pause, as if they start reminiscing in the middle of their sentence as they look far off into space. And then they end their sentence quickly looking down and then take in a deep breath. Its pretty predictable but I still love it.
Hmm so yep I was rambling there. I just wanted to point out this one quote I remember from this movie. It was a mexican police man talking to this man from america who was a detective trying to catch the guy who murdered his friend. The policeman said...
"If you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself"
I see this being true in other ways rather then just criminals who break laws. But I don't want to think out loud about this one. Ill let you ( who ever you are/ who ever reads this/ if anyone reads this haha..) think about it.
I'll give you the canvas, let you spill the paint this time.
g...
Mm, Night. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I see the sight of something so pleasing. Having the vision to see you there in front my eyes and beside my body. It gives me security knowing you're here with me, especially after not seeing you for just about a month. Physically being able to see you makes my heart smile.
Your lips move as you express your thoughts. My ears give me the ability to hear your soft voice go on about your day, your emotions, your minds great work. I hear you, and my mind creates movies out of the stories you tell me. I picture your world in my head because I am able to. Because you are able to speak to me & I can hear you. The sound of your voice touches my mind and makes it use its creative ability.
We get closer and closer until our bodies meet and we are now touching. Feeling the warmth coming off your bodies skin and onto my cold hands. Our bodies intertwine as if our bodies were made to be put in these positions. This puzzle, that we are, works like ying & yang. I feel your soft skin, voluminous hair, & luscious lips against mine. We lay together, holding each other now being mesmerized into a beautiful love aura. Where everything is nothing, and he is now everything and the only thing.
What could make this more real besides smelling the sent of your body. The essence that can only be purified by you. This aroma livens the moment and will forever be memorized.
We kiss and the sensation of your lips against mine leaves me breathless. The taste of your breath refreshes the flavors already tainted in my mind.
Loving you, loving me.
_______________________
I wish I could look in your eyes And tell you how i feel Right now inside Baby i know that it's real So real so real, so real How i wish i could be with you How i wish i wish i wish i could be with you right now
Every morning, every afternoon, every night I wanna be with you It don't matter if we go to the park or watch a play Stay in the hotel room all day I just wanna be with you I love everything about you From your old school tennis shoes To the way you move when you're dancing with me
Do you remember our first kiss It wasn't long enough Remember the first time We spent those weeks together They were not long enough All of our conversations All of your sweet pages They're never long enough
When it's time for me to leave It's so hard to say good-bye I never want to say good-bye I never ever want to say good-bye
One day we'll make love Finally i'll be yours Only you only you I could love you It's too late I already love you I love you I love you I love you
______________
5 months & 5 senses
Love you baby.
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I woke up super duper early by accident. My alarm was set for 9:30am. Enough time to eat, shower, look perrty, and put on some clothes. But I woke up at 8am. So I had so much extra time to do activities! Just kidding, but I did put on make up. Yeah make up like eye liner and a touch of eye shadow!! Made myself look all perrty for the camera, which at the time I wasn't trying to jinx but hoping for the best. Before I left I was still all nervous cause I had so much time to just wait. Starting talking to suboi and what a great conversation we had. He made me RE-realize what a sweet bf I have. I do miss him dearly. I feel like we hardly talk because by the time my phone rings and our conversation starts I'm already more than half asleep :(. I can't wait for this weekend though. But back to subject, yes so suboi did start off my 1st SMILE which lasted for quite a while and helped me relieve my nerves a bit.
Driving instructor came, drove for 45mins and headed to ICBC. Got in the car, and started my test. Yup I was nervous but then he was cool, and nice. Everything went smooth, and I passed! So there it goes again the 2nd SMILE of the day.
Got home and headed right back out. The day before I got a call from my old manager at aritzia. Asking me if I want to work again for seasonal or something. So I said sure and we were supposed to meet and talk about my schedule. I got there, we started talking and then I realized she wanted me to work as an actual sales associate, part-time and all that. I was kind of stunned but I said sure why not (there goes that SMILE again, but a confused one this time. Still a smile though). So yes I'm back at aritzia again, but still at the restaurant, and teaching, and school. Man I'm going to be busy. But I would like to save a lot more now. My big future plans can't happen w/out steps to make it work.
Hello car, hello moving out. (In about a year and a half or so.)
Lastly, HBD MEEKS!
Cool, project&study time now.
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So I've been busy doing all my laundry, homework, and cleaning my room all at once. I don't even think I turned on the TV once today. I'm still not done my project for school but I still have tmr to do it. Mid-terms this week & next. So I've been studying my ish.. Though its not very hard, I'm not going to lie. I just need to keep expanding my vocabulary.
Work was pretty fun/funny. I was expediting today, and I'm very glad the head chefs are friendly w/ me. Every time they screw up on a bill the extra food gets to be picked at by me first :) haha its great. Free food is always better. I didn't work very long but because there was a game tonight, and it was wing night, so we had quite a bit of people and tips we're good. I'm not broke!
Actually I got a letter in the mail today from the Ministry of Finance. I got the money for my scholarship! Well half of it so far. $500 in the bank feels nice. But its going into my savings. I don't want to touch it right now. Just when thought I was going broke, something like this happens. Fates a mystery!
Alright, more homework/ studying to get done.
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"You might believe that you are on a mission today and nothing will stand in your way. However, you could be the biggest obstacle in your path now by doubting a previous decision. There's nothing wrong with digging deeper to find the truth, but questioning your own integrity is a waste of energy. You might not be able to quiet your fears, but you don't have to give them power over your feelings." HOW DID MY HOROSCOPE KNOW?! WHA?!
"Bag lady you gone hurt your back Dragging all them bags like that I guess nobody ever told you All you must hold on to Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way"
I thought I threw them old bags away. Guess not.
When I said "My turn" I meant its time for me to soften the truth. Truth is I don't want to loose you. No wait I'm still softening it..
Hard truth is (yes I'll admit) I need you. You keep me sane. And when I mean sane I mean you balance me. You keep me happy. You constantly pull sht out of your sleeve like a magician and surprise me with something new. And there I am, like a little kid, loving the entertainment.
You told me the truth, and I trust you.
But I quote.. He: "Truth brings closure" She: "Not always" (CSI/Grissom)
I should not let past experiences (these old bags) get in the way.
I know I know I know, you still my love.
I'm girl you talk to every night. I'll keep that in mind.
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My dreams are always about the things my mind is constantly battling with. I don't like it.
Every since, my thoughts can't help but think.. I hate it. I remember this feeling, and where this feeling led me. Fck Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
If I was my hair I'd be getting taller. But I'm not. Though my hair is growing! Hurrah! A year ago my hair was in the middle of my neck. Now its past my chest! (When I don't curl it) Coool :)
Ps: I'm tired Pss: I can't sleep Psss: As tired as I am its hard to fall asleep w/out your call
I want this next week(& a half) to go by as fast as it can!
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My lola leaves for the phils today. She doesn't come back until May (her birthday). She asked "what does your boyfriend want for christmas?". I told her, anything to do with batman. And she didn't even ask me what I wanted! Pft. Haha but I'll miss her. It always feels a little empty on this side of the year when she's gone. I don't see her every day but when a family party occurs and her presence isn't there the atmosphere just doesn't feel the same. Stay healthy lola! Have a safe trip, make sure you come back :)
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Love fears lies. Love fears trust. Love fears letting someone in.
I don't fear you, and neither does my love. But I've been fooled before thinking the same things you've said to me last night was supposed to happen before. But it means so much more to me coming from you. But the last time I believed in all of that, it turned on me and a lot that was once said doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm not saying I don't trust what you say to me, nor do I doubt your love for me, or for our relationship. I just hope that your right.
I don't fear you, and neither does my love. I trust you because I have no reason not too. Actually I guess I could say that I have many reasons to trust you/love you, as much as I do. You've never wronged me, never hid anything from me (besides that one thing GG said haha! But I know you did that so I wouldn't have to worry), my friend even had a dream about you which made her see why I love you so much, you always remind me that you love me, you take care of me physically/mentally/(and your attempts at) financially (thanks but no thanks :), you drive almost 5 hours just to come down on weekends, you're just always showing me you love and care for me. There are so many other things I could have listed, but those are just a few at the top of my head.
If I ever think of something that actually bothers me I'll talk to you about it. If its minor and I know I'll get over it I'll keep it to myself, won't talk about it, and forget about it. But if you ask me I'll tell you, but remember its no big.
I'm sorry you felt pretty uncomfortable being on the other side of the line while I was there with her. I don't like making you feel that way, but she is still a real good friend of mine.
"Go steady with me. I know it turns you off when I I get talking like a teen I get talking like a teen"
"& the point of it all is I Love you" & I'm not afraid to even if "fear is the heart of love"
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I took care of my errands before work started, which was at 12. I started work and like how it always in the beginning of work its slow since people start trickling in for their lunch break. We stand by the pass, look through the paper and talk about what ever is going on. Then Brianna came up to me and said, "See that guy at table 30?" I said "Yeah, what about him?" Brianna replies "That guy is from the gang called R ed S corpions. He's in the paper and his brother is on the front cover." This man has court dates all this week and so far for the last 2 days he's been coming in to our work to eat lunch. Its pretty scary considering he's a murderer, and since he's been banned from many other restaurants. He used to be on house arrest and when he would leave his house police would have to follow his every move. So there I am at work expediting and the next bill is for table 30. There are only 3 plates, one for him and the other 2 for his lawyers (I'm guessing that's who they were). I didn't want to spill the 3rd plate since it was hot so I got Brianna to help me carry the last plate over. Which also so happens to be his. Haha Brianna was not happy with me. I thought it was funny. He is still human and not a crazy psycho killer, just a murderer :s. But anyways he like chicken strips with yam fries haha. But who doesn't. I work tomorrow morning so I'll see if he's in again.
I left work after my morning/afternoon shift. Rested, read some cosmo, kept listening to Tegan & Sara's latest album, which is just as good as the last one, ate curry chicken, and then headed back to work at 5. Expedited again and I didn't mess up at all! Yay me :) tips were pretty good since the Canucks were playing. The Pub wasn't as full as I expected it to be. But the restaurant was packed. We had a line at the door for quite some time. But time went by fast cause it was busy for the longest time and I always found something todo. Which is good cause I don't feel useless. I like my job. Its actually been over a year since I first started.
When I first started I remember how entertaining it was for me because I would get these 2 repeated questions at least 15 times in one night. Question #.1) How old are you?/ Are you old enough to work here? Question #.2) How tall are you? Haha that didn't stop for months. I still get it every once in a while, but not as much as before. But I remember 1 night about a year ago my Manager Graem decided to measure me. So he put me against the wall and with a pen marked my height down. Then he grabbed a tape measure and concluded that I was 4'8.
So for a long time now, when I would see someone I haven't seen in a while they would say "Have you gotten shorter?" I would say maybe, a lot of people always ask that. So me and the head chef Matt decided to go back to that marking on the wall. I go back against the wall and what do you know. I'm about half a cm shorter then I was before. Not a crazy difference. But unfortunately I am shorter :( haha that's so weird. I'm never going to grow, nor get up to 5! LAME!
Oh well, I've been living under the average height my whole life. I'm pretty sure I can live with it for the rest of my life. No BIG! ;)
Currently listening to: Tegan & Sara - Someday
Kelvin.. This song might also be my favorite song out of the album, even though the whole album is great. This one seems the most happiest sounding. I'm feeling the organ sounding background tunes.
"Might paint something I might want to hang here someday Might write something I want to say to you someday Might do something I'd be proud of someday Mark my words, I might be something someday"
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Its nothing crazy, no big label or brand. But its so cute! YUP
Currently working on my assignment for my Color Theory class but I need more magz, tags, fabrics, and anything else I can cut up paste and put on to this page! I have to fill up a double sided sketch book page (9"x12") with anything that has to do with what we learned last day which was the "CNYK Colour Star" which consist of Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary colors. & then there's the Color Biased Wheel also consisting of the 3 types just formatted differently. My new favorite top would be perfect to cut up and paste onto my project, but its too new and I like it too much haha. I'll find something else to put on it. Since I'm stuck for now I'm going to start on my other 4 projects.
Currently listening to: Common ft. Pharrell - Punch Drunk Love (rmx)
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I'm heading home to get ready and head over to GO BANANAS for baby Anella's 2nd birthday :) !
Had work from 11am-12pm teaching @ scotiabank dance centre under SVS. Was a good class. This was supposed to be my 2nd last class before the program ends, but Lynn and Lor wouldn't mind having the program run for an additional 5 weeks since the students like the class. Yay I get to keep making routines and get paid to teach them. Awesome!
Got paid so I decided to go for a look-see at UO.. Got myself a top. (It feels so good to buy myself clothes, I haven't done so in a while) Last paycheck from my restaurant I spent more then half of it at metro.. Oh dear! I'm getting addicted :P
++alright, the only few things I still want and will only let myself get are the following... -high waisted leggings (preferred in black) -boots! -long 3/4 (maybe knitted) vest/cardigan -another pair of dark denim jeans
Alright this blog lasted me all the way to Scott Road. But I have not much else to say so later!
Ps: I feel really good, for some odd reason.
(Currently listening to : St Vincent - The Strangers)
Pss: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNEL!! :)
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MON First day of skew. SUB teacher. Rushour heading home Chilled with my Bestfriend Caught up on some "girltalk"
TUES Taught Sullivan's Senior Team (You can watch the routine @ http://www.danceparto.blogspot.com) Chilled with Donnel We grabbed some BBT @ Pearl Fever & then I signed out a couple CDs & a book Started reading my book "TRUE LOVE" - Robert Fulghum WED Happily @ 4 months Worked a short 3 hour shift
THURS Went for a run Did laundry Stapples and bought another sketch book Sullivan for practice McDs w/ CHELSEA cause she can drive & has a car yay! Got my education on from 630-1030 >GREAT TEACHER & CLASS (Colour Theory) Home freez @ around 1120
FRI Skew Thanks Giving Dinner @ my cousins Chelsea, Kaela, Greg & Chris came over My baby creeped in my room around 4am
SAT Stopped by my other cousins place & ate Watched "The Invention of Lying" Cafe Deux Soleils watched Franics recite some poetry Pearl Fever to stalk Chelsea at work Saw Antho Justin & Donnel
SUN ate @ WINGS Kelvin taught me how to parallel & reverse park Went to my dads place for another ThanksGiving Dinner Went to the park for a herbal high Rented & watched Obsessed & Monsters Vs. Aliens
MON Didn't get out of bed till 130pm Kelvin headed back home Went to metro with my sister Forever 21 was disgustingly crowded Chilled/ played video games @ Marcs Ate out on commerical Went to watch a Poetry Slam @ Cafe Deux Soleils
Earlier on I had so much better things in my head to say, but now I just can't put it in the words i wanted to. Brain dead. Need to eat goodnight.
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Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
After having Kelvin over for the weekend it was yet that time again where we go our separate ways. Sunday mornings are becoming routine.
Wake up to my annoying alarm, realize that I don't want to get out of bed with him, press snooze, and press it another 5 times until I realize that I actually have to start getting ready. Shower, eat breakfast, he drops me to the train and we say "goodbye.." for now. I head down town to get to work by 11, and he heads back to the Okanagan. See you thanksgiving weekend!
______________________________
Today was my last sickstylz practice. I told marc I had to talk to him before practice. I brought him outside and let him know that I cannot/ won't be dancing this year with sickstylz. I was so relieved when he told me he wasn't mad. More understanding then anything actually. He let me know that I could stay for this last practice, which I wasn't expecting on doing. I went through the practice without breaking the news to everyone. I didn't really want it to be a big deal. Then people started to ask me questions that had to revile my unfortunate occurrence to a few others. But at the end of practice marc made it public and let everyone in on my deal. I was hoping he wouldn't because I'm insanely sensitive about parting with things I love. Or actually. Just sensitive with everything haha, but the things I love the most. So there it was out in the open, some surprised, some not so much. Everybody crowding around saying "awe cas" and being a big baby as I was of course I start to tear up. And then from behind me Gino picks me up and I'm covering my face full of tears now that I'm pretty much balling my eyes out. Then I hear "gibberish" start to play so of course they expect me to do it. I'm getting extremely shy but I made carmen do it with me! (Gino you sell out! Haha) Of course I'm all shy/nervous and not remembering my routine and mess up quite a bit. Then "haunting me" starts to play and donnel and I start doing our routine. Unfortunately they didn't have me and donnels mix of "hammer bros" so we didn't get to do that dance but everything else was overwhelming. I felt very loved I'm not going to lie. I love sickstylz, ill miss you guys. But this is not "goodbye" this is just a "see you later" type situation. Ahh eff me I hate to go, but its for the best this year. At least I hope so =P
________________________________
I never did like "goodbyes"
Leaving that one place was the hardest thing to do.
Why?
Because I basically grew up with those people. Those people were family to me. Took care of me when I was in need, helped me through blood-family hardships, and kept me focused and always pushed me harder to be better at what I was good at. I absolutely loved the people there. And deep deep down inside I still do. They're my past. But now it like they will only be my past. As much as it was hard for me to leave, it now seems as if its just as hard.. No its even harder to go back. Or at least to look back. Reminiscing about that place is now on a boat that floats on its own. I think about my past with them constantly. And thru an anonymous source I've heard they reminisce about those times as well. But there is just no way of us being able to reminisce together.
How do I even begin to get back to that? Or at least make peace with that? Right now I have no clue, but I am working on it. I really am. But the longer I wait to actually go thru with this the harder and tenser it gets.
Once day things will be okay. And okay is good enough for me.
________________________________
Speaking of which, "gibberish" just started playing on my ipod. Hahaha
*sigh :(
______ Fyi: if this blog is poorly written, maybe more than usual, its because I'm insanely tired.
Running on 6 hours of sleep + my day of work, dance, and busing adds up and turns my energy to a minimal working speed to function.
Does that even make sense? Haha fck it. Goodnight.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
WORK 3hour shift. Kind of lame but its still worth my time and tips were good.
BANK Updated my card, which now has those new chips in it. Got paid, paid my bill, & transfered/saving money.
HOME Kevin Cano stopped by for a life update. Hope everything works out for the best buddy. Kelvin's mother came over and dropped Brownie off : ) Got ready to go out
BOSTON PIZZA Kevin Coelho & I had dinner, caught up, talked about everything in life possible. Ordered SOOOO much food & topped it off with desert.
STARBUCKS Carried on our conversation over coffee & the night ended.
It's not like i've never talked to them before, but I haven't talked to them in a long while. I like catching up with old friends. You learn about them, see the life they live and understand them a little more.
H."..and you have this sort of feeling that they can see into your soul... and I hate that"
J."Now they see into your soul?"
H. "Don't you feel like animals look into your soul? Like an animal can see what kind of person you really are?"
I was watching Jay Leno the other day and Hugh Laurie (the central character of "House") was being interviewed. They came across talking about a photo shoot he had with a python and how he was creeped out by this animal looking into his soul. It got me wondering what if we could see into peoples souls. Just straight up see what kind of person they really are. No make up, no designer clothes, no nothing to cover up and mislead ones perspective of how this person they are looking at really is. Being able to see all of this just by looking into their window to their soul; their eyes.
Maybe we can see what kind of a person someone really is. Possibly not exact, but relatively close. I say this with first hand experience. This brings me to a day where Gino and I had an encounter for practice. He knew what was going on in my life at the moment, so he knew I was in a lot of frustration and anger and sadness at the time. But the next time we saw each other my life was turning around and everything was getting better. He knew everything was better because he saw it in my eyes and on my face. I got into his car and he said "Oh my gosh you're glowing". I didn't wear any special make up nor did I do anything to my hair, he just saw that I was happy again. There was also a time where almost the exact same thing happened but with Karl, and in this situation he didn't know what was going on in my life. He just said what he saw...
This also reminds me of another time in Toronto with Kelvin. We were at the park waiting for a tennis court to open, when we saw a pregnant woman and her husband already setting up and playing. And Kelvin said to me "wow she's at that stage where she's just glowing". She was big like any other woman going through pregnancy would be, but she really did just have this natural, enlightening glow to her.
What kind of person I really am.. -I was honestly getting sick of hip hop. Everything started sounding like T-pain, or hip-pop, or hip-hop with a mix of rock/punk/house/techno.. I wasn't triggered with excitement when "hip hop" would play like I used to feel. I used to feel this immediate urge to bob my head to the beat, and moves would come out of me like each lyric and beat was the control centre for my bodies movement. That kind of hip hop made me dance, no questions asked, it just did. I was getting sick of hip hop till I heard Blue Print numerotres. Thank you Shawn Carter.
-I like wearing almost nothing. When I'm at home, and it's room temperature on a nice day I enjoy giving my body freedom. Letting my legs move without friction within short shorts or flowy skirts kind of limits. Also giving my arms the ability to indulge in the sunlight that the windows let in. And my upper body covered only by a top that lets the air breeze in and out as it pleases.
-I love falling in love.
-I am falling in love with jazz pianist because it has no limits, nor construction to how a song must be played out. It tells an unpredictable story that you can only hear as it is being played. It moves me physically and emotionally. I swear when I started listening to it, I feel in love. It really took over my body and emotions and gave me this positive Ora and directed my mind to be optimistic. Doing anything while listening to jazz just makes life a little more care-free. Like nothing even matters; just do what is in the moment. It has become another little source of therapy.
-I'm constantly missing my boyfriend and finding so many things that pop up into my life that relates to him. Walking to work I see a little boy and his father taking him to hockey practice, driving around I see "king Edwards" everywhere, at home watching TV Jay Leno is on, and I almost NEVER watch him. There are so many things that go on through out the day its hard not to have You on my mind.
________
But maybe this is all supposed to happen. Maybe these things show up because I'm supposed to miss you because it makes me have these stronger feelings that can only be healed by your love which definitely makes me happy. I believe that everything happens for a reason...
Iquote:
"Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be; your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of the soul. Without these small tests,if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and successes and down falls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are. Even the bad experience can be learned from...Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you,love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen,let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it!" -Craig Lock
Life is no coincidence. Everything that happens in our lives happens because they are supposed to happen. They are destine to happened. Ever since "The Big Bang" we've all been following these strings which are "infinite decimal vibrating loops of energy" (a.k.a. the STRING THEORY)
The STRING THEORY explained by Grissom: (on my favorite show CSILasVegas)
If I believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, then it makes life's obstacles more easier to accept no matter how hard they must be to over come. Then the outcome will be the answer to why this obstacle was put before one in the first place.
ex. LIFE: Kelvin & I are happy together.. yes we are :) OBSTACLE: Kelvin must live 4 hours away at UBO for 7months of schooling.. dun dun dunnn OUTCOME: When he gets back it'll make our relationship that much stronger.. ahhh :) all better I'm just soul into you. ("punny".. right babe?)
Making choreography.. And I'm stuck and tired! Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Said Baby. Said everything and I I Fantasize about you said everyday and I want to do just everything Said baby, said everything.
I wanna do dumb things. I'm talking: strolling-in-the-park things. Stealing kisses straddled on park swings in the daylight while the ice cream van sings little melody for us to move to like Twa da da dum...Da da da da dum... I'm talking some midnight dedications of rare groove tunes, And all across London we're using real names too, 'cause we're not fazed by who cool, who a fool. See, I want to everything with you baby so
I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Said Baby Said everything and a I I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything baby
Take away baby, See I'll cook you Chinese. Fake kind of chicken and some mock kind of beef And we could eat with our favorite uh tune on repeat We're only lit by those lights that illuminate the street
Now I want to talk to you babe I just don't fail to speak Feel oh so stong inside Feeling so weak
And I want to uhh Oooo I want to do everything with you
I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Said Baby Said everything and I I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything baby
Now I want to run holdin' hands See, I know that we can do this, in a field of purple grass sprayed with green and white tulips under a sky washed orange by an everlasting sunset and you know what?
I ain't done yet.
See, I want to catch a ride off some crimson- colored stallion. We can sail off in a boat made of water, straight into horizon And we could catch a lift on a cloud. That's silver lining's really platinum, But you know what?
I still ain't done yet.
See, I want to- (Wooo-ooooh) And I was thinking we could-(said whaat baaaaby) And if you wouldn't mind a little-(Oh yeah-heyy-yeah) We could finish--(Oh oh oh baaaby yeah yeah)
I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Said Baby Said everything and a I I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Baby Floe-sis break it down
Yo I want to go shopping with you, you know Me and you strolling our of high street looking for HIS & HERS gloves just to protect ourselves from the winter see
I want to be on the phone with you for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours...
Talking about nothing in every single way possible see
I'm not worried about your future baby Because after tonight I plan on being your history forever
We're going to uh, rename stars rename animals, colours And you know why? Because this planet is ours
So I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Baby Said everything and a I I Fantasize about you said everyday And I want to do just everything. Floetry.
ATM: Kelvin's Birthday
(lets go backwards from here..) -I'm sitting in Kelvin's house waiting for his arrival back home -I went to Safeway, for stuff.. -Was sitting at home resting from a long afternoon -Bussing home -Trained with Rawb Leo Virn & Shane to Surrey -Chilled at Rawbs -Had Mc Ds for the 1st time in 20years!(not really.. but you know what I mean) -Shopped for Serena's Birthday (which is tmr) -Trained DT -Talked to my baby on the phone about my messed up dream -Got ready -Woke up from the most scariest, horrible, stupid, maddening, frustrating dream i've ever had
I'm glad it wasjust a dream.
Mmm can't wait to see my baby :) been waiting a whole 10 hours since we talked! Ok time to sleep on his bed and wait till he comes. I'm tired. Haha :)
So whats really going on cas? Been working so much lately. I've taught a class, and worked 5 shifts within the last 4 days. My feet are hurting, and my body needs a better bed. Or i need to stop tossing and turning at night. Its been easy to save the money I've worked for, since I'm too busy to spend it, but he only things I will let my money go on is special birthdays aka Mothers (28th), mothers bfs (19th), Serena's (19th) & Kelvins (18th). Ugh why are their so many September birthdays.
Having a full schedule is kind of nice. Keeping busy with things to help my life take another step forward feels good. Ever since the beginning of September when everyone else started school again I actually felt like "I'm out of high school". It feels good. I look back and see all of the drama, the laziness, immaturity, the unnecessary in everything that was going on in high school. This is when I can look back and learn. Looking back and laughing will come with more time. But right now I'm still in the middle. Its the perfect way to describe my age. Its like 17 you're still in high school, still having the dramatic times with boys and girls and LG and LBness. Then 19 is when you're legal and act like the high school kids but without the labels of LG & LBs and be allowed to do shit all cause you are your own adult. But 18 is right in the middle. I see it as a "lesson learned, yet still learning" type age. Yeah you're still going to do all that rough sht like drinking at that age but you know you're not legal, so you still have to get a boot, but you don't necessarily need to hide it from your parents.
At this age I have begun to be way more open with my mom. My mom knows almost everything I do and lets me do ALMOST everything I want to. I still listen, but try to get my way by being a little stubborn.. for old times sakes ;) But shes a lot more reasonable with me because i've been able to show her that i'mgrowning up.. not physically but you know what I mean.
Well anyways my life is still on track with dance, but now getting paid to do it. Still working, saving, paying my bills(s). Now starting to go back to school. Oct 5 will be my first day of the REST OF MY LIFE! .... jk. But it will be the first day of school. Unfortunately I was unable to start in Aug due to minor set backs.. and because I really wanted to go to Toronto haha :) BUT its all good now, or for now at least.
Toronto was amazing, and still I can't get over the fact my mom even let me go with Kelvin. But i'm glad she did. I love waking up beside my baby, without a care in the world besides being there with him and living in the moment trying to capture what that moment feels like. Its hard to describe because its not just happiness.. its satisfaction and security. Its HAPISFACURITY. Yeah, that's what it is!
Life's good, and so is sleep. So that is what I am going to do now.
800am Woke up beside my baby after the alarm had gone off (btw thnks for staying over : ). Stayed in bed for 15 min enjoying the nice sun shining thru the window and cool breeze coming in making the morning even better.
815am Headed down stairs to pick out a song and make choreography for teaching class today.
900am Went up to the kitchen and made breakfast.
915am wake up my baby to eat breakfast with me.
945am Boyfriend dropped me off to the train so I could head to work. :( bye for now till you come down or I go visit
1050am Get to Granville station & start walking to the Scotia Dance Centre
1100am Start class/work/teaching (First week of this new program)
1200pm Class is over and I head to practice. Longest walk I've taken this year (bridgeport station to Fitness Unlimited)!
100pm First practice of the year for Sickstylz
400pm Practice is over and head home
500pm Eat/rest/change within 15mins
515pm Walk to work
530pm Start working (@Bigridge)
1045pm Done work
1100pm Home free
Fml my feet hurt and I'm tired. Breakfast and half a lunch/dinner does not give me enough energy thru a day like this.
Oh well..
"Cash moves everything around me, cream, get the money, dolla dolla bills yall."
MONIEZ!!
Ps: great weekend with kelvin. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Happy Birthday Kevin. Haha good chill night with food drinks and new friends. Its not so bad meeting new people, right Kelvin ;)
Haha through out the night Kevin and Hollis kept saying "I like this guy" referring to Kelvin. All I kept thinking was 'so do I' :)
Haven't drank in a while so that busted me up pretty good. But I also know my limit, so I get to the point where I'm wasted and just before puking. So its all fun.
!!Cheers to... -Kevin's Birthday! -KELVIN's long 4 hour non-stop drive over here without music from the Okanagan.
Trying to ease my stomach from this weird pain I'm having
Not listening to my ipod cause my head is aching
Looking at the ugly weather vancouver has to offer early september
Not excited to teach, though this is my last tuesday class
Feeling scrubbed out because I'm wearing sweats
Missing my boyfriend
___________________________ Earlier today:
Mother and I were eating a late lunch, or an early dinner if you prefer. We conversed about her ex husband (aka my father) and her past. She was telling me how relationships cannot be built on lies/secrets nor can it grow. Tell me something I don't know.. So she goes on to telling me what happened between them and how her marriage was force on between my mother and father due to another unexpected life they have created. I understood a little more on why or how their divorce became to be. Some things I didn't know before. After the story ended my mother goes on to me and my siblings relationships. She said "I think you're going to be the first one to move out, and the first one to get married." My jaw dropped and I responded with "How could you say that? Kuya and felicia have been together for almost 5 years and ate and nic 3." She told me my relationship is different. And I just laughed. Laughed because I thought that was quite funny because moving out is a question I asked my mom I could do in about a year and she said yes! And Laughed because I didn't know how else to respond. I love that me and my mom can be so open with each other.
Hmm time for work. Time to dance. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
