Another good night.
After falling asleep w/you I woke up at 445 only to see the bed empty. I missed you by 45mins. For the rest of the night -I had an uncomfortable sleep. I got to undo getting used to you here with me till 4 in the am. No more loving late nights after the 11th and after T.O.
Ps. MsAnon if you're reading this check the comments on the post you commented on.
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Woke up did my nails, heard the doorbell ring. Mom answered; it was Kelvin. He told me to get my ass ready cause my first surprise was incorporated with an appointment at 2. Showered, dressed into my brand new dress I bought the other day & got into the car. Traffic was growing on the highway so Kelvin called this man we had an appointment with. On the way Kelvin says to me "anything I show you, you have to pick out, no matter what you can't say no." In my head I'm thinking that its some sort of ride we're taking and he's talking to the driver. Little did I know I was to later find out that I was soo wrong. We got to this place downtown that read "142 DYNAMO Art Association". 
He opens up the door and we head upstairs while I'm grabbing Kelvin's arm and you could just see in my eyes that I was screaming inside! We get upstairs and all I see is canvases, paints, and Peter Taylor's art space and work. He starts open boxes and continues to layout his pieces and Kelvin says to me "So which one do you like?" I got to pick out one of Peter Taylor original pieces for myself.
The whole time I was watching him take out each frame I was just stunned and totally speechless.. I don't ever think I've felt like that before. It was as if I saw a celebrity because to me he is one. Just an amazingly nice guy that happens to create masterpieces which I just adore! I finally got to pick out one that really caught my eye. All in one I could see the body language as life that had a sort of confusion but showed calmness and happiness at the same time. Using mixed media just summed it up and I knew that was the one I wanted and got. 
Next we drove closer to PC and parked. This next surprise was just as thoughtful as the first. Kelvin knew how much I adored roller blading so he took me to get a new pair of blades for the both of us. We headed down by the sea and started blading the sea wall. Something I always wanted todo but never got around to doing it. The sun was being generous and wasn't too hot for us to be out skating around.
The views we're gorgeous and the conversation and just time spent together was a heart full. We ended up at English Bay and decided to stick around there to relax and enjoy the sun calmly. Enough sun was soaked up so we were back on our feet but now walking up Robson on our way to Mikes house where Kelvin got to meet Leo, Virnie, Rawb, and obviously Mike. They approved of him and I was happy haha. Finally we got back to the car and headed to Langley where we dined at the one and only Olive Garden. Had delicious appys and a well prepared steak and pasta meal.
During the dinner Peters name came up in conversation again because I was still stunned by what happened earlier that morning. Kelvin had given me his number and I decided to send him a text msg. The only other communication that has ever been between me and Peter was on myspace about a year ago. I tagged him in a picture because I was wearing one of his shirts and he commented on it "nice shirt, cute girl ;)" and that made me happy and became something I would not forget. But I'm sure he sees things like that all the time, so here I am thinking he's not going to remember who I am. And I go off sending this text that's just saying thank you for having me and my bf come down to your studio, it was a pleasure, etc etc. A couple mins later I receive a text back from him saying
"No problem at all. I'm glad you like my work. Its a very generous gift I hope you enjoy it for years to come. You look familiar, myspace?"
OH MY GOODNESS he remembered me! I tried to keep my cool after freaking out in the restaurant ,smiling till my cheeks hurt and staring at kelvin in amazment! I send a msg back saying yeah I can't believe you remember, I didn't think you would. And his respond was...
"I thought that was you. You smile with your whole self, its memorable. You two should find me on facebook and I'll keep you posted on shows"
Right then and there my heart melted and I just became the happiest girls in the world. I let my self cool down before I sent another msg so I wouldn't sound like a total dork. I told him that he was really sweet to say that and blah blah blah. O I did end up adding him on fb and he greeted me another happy birthday.
We finaly headed back to my place around 11 where Serena and Mark stopped by to give me a cake and made me blow out candles :) My last gift was given to me by Kelvin but this one I already knew I was getting because he made me pick it out. This gorgeous purse from roots. Still he managed to add in a surprise to that one too, and inside the bag that I picked out he had picked out another purse and gave that to me too. My boyfriend has good taste. But my most favorite gift of all was his card. A card that opened up 4 bears long which had Kelvin's lovely heartfelt words written inside just for me. I don't get why he's so good with words. I can never stop reading all the things he's ever written to me over and over. From yearbook pages to little notes in my planner to birthday cards like this one. I'm in awe every time no matter how man times I've read the same passages.
He stayed the night until 5am. I'm glad my mom doesn't mind him over that late. Or early. Everything was just amazing. I love meaningful gifts the most. I love surprises. I love my boyfriend.
So grateful to have someone like you in my life.
From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Box after box and you're still by my side
The weather is changing and breaking my stride
I know I know I know, it's just this day
House after house, just like car after car
You see club after club and it all seems so far
I know I know I know what else are we here for
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Last night I was writing about you
I know my screaming and shouting won't keep you
I know I know I know, you're still my love
I wake up to the sound of you working
You're one room right over, stressing and loving me
I know I know I know, be still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
Stick your hands inside of my pockets
Keep them warm while I'm still here
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
Stick your heart inside of my chest
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me & you
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you
-TEGAN & SARA
______________________________
You're leaving way sooner then I hope you would. & these couple days are just a taste of what september will be like. "I know i know i know, its just this day" ... i really want T.O. to happen. I've got high hopes.
Yup sorry to have to choose favorites but my most favorite gift was the 3huge canvases and paint bottles I got from Kathleen and Kaley! Just what I needed!
All the other gifts were amazing though. Since just about everyone's gifts were just more then a present to put in a box. They all had some sort of meaning behind it. Paints, dunnies, make-your-own munnies etc etc.. <3
I enjoyed every bit of the debut, but the beginning was hella stressful. I'm so glad its all over now! Finally have time to get out of the house, go out, take classes, and enjoy the sun again. No more planning no more practices.. Though those were fun :).. And no more stress!
More time for me and my baby.. which was the photographer for this picture up there. Yeah not a great photographer but he gets the idea ;P
Can't wait for my actual birthday! Omgosh more surprises then yay!
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PC: Hi, my names PC.
Kelvin: I'm Kelvin, but you can call me Edwards Kelvin.
As our conversation goes on with different names for our different sides of personality...
Douglas/ the one I have yet to fully meet because he only shows face to the ones he can fully let in.
Kelvin/ the one that is a stud but a total dork/nerd at the same time "I'm not going to lie" ;) & the very one that fell for Cas
Edwards-Kelvin (*cough cough* Edward-Cullin)/ the one that tries to be suave and seductive.. Aka mr pepe le pa**** haha!
Casandra/ the one that is overly ticklish and giggles at every touch. Especially around the neck!
Cas/ the one that stole Kelvins heart in grade 8 "the first time I saw her was the last time I saw my heart" haha! Also the one that's like Casandra just not ticklish and like PC but not as.. Yeah.
PC/(BG history of where the name originated from: t'was once Kelvin and Malcolms nickname for Cas but became name for a certain personality) the one that's not PDA disapproving. (She only does come out in private though..)
Kelvin: I'm not going to lie, I do like Cas a lot more.
PC: Oh really? Well she's one lucky girl.
Kelvin: I actually think that I might love her, but I'm afraid.
PC: Why afraid?
Kelvin: Because I'm afraid that I might be in love with her...
[Conversation carried on with PC spoiling Cas' secret on how she feels the same way he does..]
____________________________________
He...said love. From that moment I looked at him different. The way I didn't think I would look at him because I've gone through that look once before but I didn't think I could give that look to anyone else. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to fall in love. That my first love could never be compared. Though my first love will always be my first love and will always have that special part of me I also learned that when you've lost that love you could find it again one day. I think I found mine today. And I knew because at that moment "nothing even [mattered] at all..[His] love makes me feel ten feet tall without it I'd go through withdrawal 'cause nothing even matters at all".
I really didn't think I could ever love anyone like I did my first love.. But you're definitely showing me there's hope. But I'm really going to be going through withdrawal after Aug11. Cause really who's going watch movies in the basement with me my mom and bruce and then stay to keep me up till 3am. And then who's going to have to wake me up at 4am just so I could let you out of my house since you don't have a key.. Yet. And who's going to come over and play NHL with gino and chad while I have girl time with carmen? Who's going to bring me roots pants? Who's going to call me beautiful after a sweet simple kiss? Who's going to do all that & so much more? No one but Douglas Kelvin Edwards could do that..
So you better do what you say and come down as much as you can, but still stay focused with school.
________________________
The night ended with...
Kelvin: You know I meant every word I said
Cas: so did I.
I guess I really did want you to just SAY LOVE.
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I miss baby girl so much. She's so grown now.
Sorry I can't be there to see you grow into a little lady..
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FUCK IT! I'm calling it a night
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After teaching my first dance class of the summer @ the Scotiabank Dance Centre (which was indeed a success :) I walked out at 9:50 into the dark and rainy streets. & what do I see? Kelvin crossing the street with the umbrella in one hand and flowers in the other. It was a comforting sight to see after being so nervous and on the toes the whole day about teaching. He knew I've never eaten at Steffos before so he surprised me by taking me there. Sitting by the dim candle light on our table just set the mood. Unfortunately our conversation started off with bad news. His "surprise" wasn't going to happen and my chances of leaving vancouver with him was a no go. But as soon as the food came our mouths were full and no more bad news could escape our mouths. All ended well with some food to take home and a new first time memory. Heading back home to surrey is always good times. I love our car conversations. Sharing songs explaining their meanings and some what relating them to our very own relationship.. Or life in general. Back at my place by 1130 and on goes "Donnie Darko" .. Which was not scary at all. Just philosophical and creepy! Movie was followed by an intense chess game! Which I lost.. yeah :T I'm going to practice! And the photo shoot began. Haha okay so all our other pictures are too much for everyone else to see so that's why that picture up there was put up. It was the only decent one haha. Ate some pie, had our kitchen conversations and 430am hit. Our night was over.
You know out of this whole month we've been together we did everything we've already done in that one night.
After commencement - late night kitchen conversation
Watch a movie in my theater downstairs
Eat out somewhere you take me by surprise
Car conversations
Oh and I guess we didn't watch a live play that night but that's ok.
Everything in life cannot be categorized into either Fear or Love.
Since "Fear is the heart of Love"
...& she followed him into the dark
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2nd hour we went to a different kareoke place across the street. that next hour I was having way too much fun and was quite comfortable haha! Then my song came on. "Waterfalls" by TLC! Yeah they let me sing it cause they knew I wanted to. I was pretty drunk so I was acting like a show off when if came to Left eyes part. Right when the rapping came on I stood up and faced the back of the wall and rapped out Lefteyes whole verse cause I knew it off by heart! And when the song ended I remember I kept repeating "RIP LISA LEFTEYE LOPEZ, I LOVE YOU GIRL!" Hahaha yeah FUN!
I'm sure my student Juan from spain had a pretty good time too, he sang along with the songs he knew and said he had fun :)
Thanks Vanessa, Kara, Tia, Annie, Kevin, Brenden, Malcolm, Gino, Juan, and Kelvin! We are definitely doing that again!
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Woke up late
Rushed to the skytrain
Walked really fast to
The scotia dance centre
Had my meeting
Officially start teaching
JULY 7!
Kelvin & Malcolm
Picked me up
All you can eat
@ Robson sushi
Walked & shopped
New top & nail polish
Later Dukester
Kelvin surprised me with
Tickets to a play
Shakespeare comedy
Pretty fcking funny!
Walked from the
Space centre to
Kitts beach
Watched the sun go down
Talked about the history
Of our scars.. Mostly mine
Walked back to the car
Picked up a hooker
(Jk.. that's for next time ;)
Drove home
He asked my mom for permission
Possibility of me going to Toronto
A week away & to ourselves :)
Watched a movie downstairs
Feel asleep
And then he left
@ 215
Don't SAY you don't know how much I LOVE surpises!
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Don't you SAY good bye. Till you leave me for that additional 2 months...now its 7! I hate you for telling me that! I was just accepting 5months.
I LOVE accidentally sleeping over. I'm going to miss that! Uhhhhh you suck!
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He says most of what I was thinking...
& yeah i did tear up!
SAY your respects to one of the most LOVEd men on this earth.
R.I.P
Thanks batman
Love: the gongshow ;) (thnks GG)
Haha fm new nickname, I'm the sht!
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I know you're words are truly written. No pressure nor force, just straight from the heart, mind, and sweet memories. References only you and I would understand, and only expressed feelings that would come from our specific relationship. You make me feel stupid when I'm around you because you're words are as if they've been read out of an award winning book about a troubled heart that found its way to love. I don't know how you do it, or what exactly it is you're doing, but please don't stop. Your charm has seem to win over my families hearts. Especially my mom, lola, and even my sister!! Which is the most hardest person to impress. You don't have to keep trying to win me over.. You should already know that you did that a long time ago.
You don't see how great full I am to have you back in my life... You make me want to show you off, but at the same time I don't because I'm selfish and just want to have you for myself.
"I would call you my 'Princess';.." Yes I do still have my tiara from gr9 :) "..say I 'Love' you; Just puppy love. But I don't think I understand what we had. I'm glad I learned from the past. I no longer greatly regret breaking up with you. I now see it was to prepare me for greater time. It took two and a half years for me to rebuild myself, to realize how much I need you. My life has changed because of you and for that I am eternally grateful." - dke
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wed. GRADDRESS&PRACTICE
Afterskew he, serena and mark came with me to check out my grad dress for the very first time. Was nothing like the style I gave her to make but it turned out pretty nice even though it was still undone.
Headed home and donnel came over to practice for Dancity. Practiced from 5-11 and we finally had our piece made up and ready for teaching
thurs. COMMENCEMENT
After skew got ready at home, make up did and all that jazz, got picked up by derek and headed to the bell centre. On stage I found out that I won a Dogwood fine arts scholarship for $1000. I was so happy, and all I could hear was serena and my dad cheering in the audience. Although I wished my brother and sister could have made it I was happy that my dad, his gf, my mom, her bf, my lola, my bestfriend, and he were all there to support me.
Later that night we went back to my place celebrated and then serena went home. He stayed over till 2am watching "vicky christina barcelona" with me my moms and her bf. I never thought my mom could be so cool with a guy stayin over so late haha.
fri. PROMNIGHT & DRYGRAD
Jermi came over early and we got ready. Moms took pictures and we headed to meet our limo. We all went to QE (obvs) took pics and headed to vancouver convention centre. Our room was gorgeous and had an amazing view because one whole wall was glass. Jermi was being an amazing grad date. No regrets! This perfect night went on to dry grad. Las vegas baby!! Poker tables, cartoonist, sumo wrestling, blow up boxing, bun gee running, movies, fondue, mocktails, and a hypnotist! Too many deats but it was real fun.
Didn't get home till 6 am, and then I passed out!
sat. RECOVERY
Woke up at 12, went back to sleep at 3 woke up at 7. Got an email finding out I received that extra "Shirley Clements scholarship" from outbreak and got an extra 100 in my pocket. "That's so cool you get money for being awesome" hahaha rachel you're so cute! Went over to jamies house. Got home at 11 pm. He came over at 12.
sun. :) & DANCITY
He stayed till 4am. Mom was cool with it. New status :). Went to sleep & woke up at 9. Headed over to richmond and Dancity was happening. Me and donnel had over 50 people take our class! Huge success! Dj was bumpin and we all had fun. Sickstylz symphony had raised just over 1900! Thanks to all of the people who came out to support! Much love.
mon. NEWOPPORTUNITY
A little while ago I had a teaching job lined up for me. Unfortunately I had to turn it down because of skew at AI. But plan changed and I'm starting at AI in october. So in the summer I plan on getting a 2nd job. But I found out there is another teaching job available for me downtown at the scotiabank theater. If all works out well I'm going to take this opportunity and ill be a part time dance teacher. I don't want to have to keep passing up open doors like this. Thanks to marc I also got another audition lined up later this month. Life has just been soo good to me! I'm so glad I am where I am.
Schools almost over, extra money in the pocket, job opps popping up, and a new status with he. Who SAYs shts too good to be true? My life is sooo gooood and its all true! I LOVE my life :)
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Where do I begin? Haha its so hard to see since my eyes are really puffed up right now, and my cheeks are in a manageable amount of pain due to all the smiles that were expressed voluntarily and involuntarily :) more details about that after.
It started off with commencement practice. All the grads of our class sat in our spots for the actual commencement, and then we grabbed out gowns. Everybody was full of stories and comments of high school past times and graduation. Many of the jocks stand by me saying "yo cas we got to take a picture together later" haha I enjoyed it. I have a feeling that I just might be remembered. Already just having the gown in my hand just did it for me. This is it. We're walking the stage.
Get home, get ready and get pictures taken with my loving lola <3 Derek picked me up and the next thing you know is that I'm taking pictures with all the grads I've actually talked to this year hahaha. Parents come, and so does my bestfriend, and guyfriend. There I am sitting on my ass for a good 2 hours grabbing some entertainment from antonio and joshua. Just met josh that night but we hit it off well. Slowly I start to get nervous as our line gets closer and closer to getting my steps across that stage without falling on my face. Then there I am. I see antonio walk to the end of the stage and its my turn.. "Cas_____ P.." " WOOOOOO GO CASSSS" haha I love you serena! And then as I'm about to walk off "Casandra has also won a scholarship for fine arts.." !!!!! Yeah 1000 to bank into my tuition at AI. Fck yeah!! I was so nervous about that scholarship application but I'm glad I did it. Came out to my dad, his girl, my mom, her boy, my lola, bestfriend, and him. I was a little upset my siblings couldn't make it, but they're there for me when I need them most. Didn't take much time taking pictures after cause I know ill get a bunch tomorrow at grad so we headed back to my place.
Carrying a bouquet of roses and another bouquet of flowers was a little difficult but I liked it :)
Totally satisfied with how the night went but that's just the begining. The 3 of us (me, bestfriend, and he) sat in my kitchen ate, talked, and enjoied each others company up until serena kicked it at 1030. He and I stayed talking till 1120 then we headed downstairs to cool down in the basement. Ma and bf came down aswell to watch a movie. So we watched with them. Watched one of the best movies ever and I definitely want to hit up spain to see the beautiful artwork and enjoy the way of life in culture and art over there. The way they live is so beautiful and full of passion, art, and love. I can't explain much more, its something you'll just want to make a living out of. Living a life of inspiration is soul satisfying. One day! We'll get over there.
Movie ended a bit after 2, and I'm glad you stayed till the end. Now I can't stop thinking of happy thoughts. I know corny but true. The night ended wit goodbyes and goodnights.
Blog more bout the wonderful day/night a little later. I'll SAY by the end of this weekend LOVE will come over me and stories with follow. Till then g'night!
Grad here I come :)
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So on my last blog I received an anonymous comment from a Jane Doe. (Started using this term cause of CSI haha) it actually really got to me. To think that people actually read what I got to say. Its not like I'm making huge public announcements that are private and hoping no one reads it.. I am aware that I am posting my thoughts up on the web. But as much as I did promote that I do have blogspot, I just didn't think that anyone would ...(well as much as I don't want to sound like a broken record).. actually read my blogs.
I guess I should know better since I do just about the same thing. I have an icon for the blogs I follow on my itouch. So if I feel the need to check on updates of peoples lives I take a few moments before bed to read up on my friends lives. Its quite convenient considering I don't have a laptop, nor a computer of my own. Its stuck in my brothers room so I don't exactly have all the access I think I would need.. Or want. But that's where my bb data plan, and itouch wifi comes in handy.
But back to this Ms. Anonymous..
I thank you for your thoughts about my blogs, and I'm honored that my blogs some what take part in your interest. I share the same interest as you. I do learn from my own blogs and my friends when I read them. Gives me different perspectives on Life's situations. But mostly when I write my own blogs I tend to take a moment to really open up my mind, organize my thoughts, and lay them out straight to make sense of it all. One of the major things I've learned pretty recently is to always try to keep that optimistic side above the pessimistic. But I'll admit I try to keep that philosophy but more for the public image rather then my self. At the moment it seems as if its the right thing to do, but deep deep down I know its not completely healthy. If you want the attention then yeah, go for it. Cry your eyes to the world, but just know that you won't always get the attention or the feedback you want. I rather not take that chance in being publicly embarrassed with my sad life stories. Especially because I know that there are so many other who go thru the same sht, and sometimes a lot worse. Yeah, so to keep my personal, private life on the dl is fine by me. I'll save my tears for myself when I know I can just calm down and think things through with myself, or when I can just cry out loud and let it out. I understand though that some people need to let it out, and just break when they least hope they would and that's where true friends come in and help. This is where I can feel for someone else's troubles.
Just like you Ms. Anon "Although I don't know much bout your past, and your status, but just by observing you and your accomplishments, it stuns me that someone like you can feel sad. It makes me sad to see you sad..." Haha that's cute, and I appreciate your sympathy. I too also hope that I will find "someone worth [my] time and [my] heart-aches." But I probably won't find hat guy after going through a couple more relationships... Unless I'm really fortunate. Haha but if you've seen "He's just not that into you" then you would call me the exception.. Again UNLESS I am really fortunate. Until then, I'm just another girl with heart-aches, stories, and baggage.
Btw, you make me really curious to whom you might me (okay I faked that, I don't really know how to use the 2 different but the same terms "who"&"whom") but I like the secrecy of it. Kind of mysterious. Like I'm playing guess who.. "Is your person a guy?" "No" knock down more then half the characters on the board. "Does your person wear glasses?" Eliminate 5 more characters... Haha dope game. Anyways keep doing what your doing. I hope I keep my life interesting enough for you haha.
I SAY anonymous readers got mad LOVE for bloggers such as myself.
Currently listening to...
The strokes - Soma
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Why did this word have to come to be? Why can't there just be straight answers and direct points of views? The way we think can be so "complicated" because of all these factors in our lives. We think one way because of that, but the other because of this and sometimes blah blah blah. These factors are our feelings and P.O.V's of everything around us. Because we feel one way, let say happy, we think about all of the good times in the past and reminisce. But if we were mad, then you'd think about all of the bad times you've gone through. But right now my mind is at its most complicated peak!
Ill be straight and say it like it is so it won't be complicated to understand, but you'll still get the complexity in it.
I'm sad right now because I'm thinking of the good times we once shared. I knew happiness was there for me as long as you were. But I took advantage of that which pushed it away. Now that its gone I miss it. I want to be THAT kind of happy again.
Truth be told.. I am happy for you. You found exactly what you were wanting. I guess I don't show it cause I'm jealous... Yes I admit I'm jealous :( .. that you found it so soon and easily. That kind of love that you got now doesn't come easily. I mean it took us some time and hardships to build that kind of love. I just hope that when I find it I don't loose it... Not again.
But I'm in no rush. Ill wait for mine. You know I mean its nice taking a small peek at seeing what it could look like with nice ..... here and there. I can give it a chance, but I know that I'm not going to let myself fall for the next John Doe that says nice things. It doesn't hurt having someone to call up and chill with when you just want to sit back, stay in, and watch a movie. Nothing complicated, real simple actually. And I can cope with that. Like I said I'll wait.
I SAY I can wait for LOVE.
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Anyways today I had a real good day. School was brutally boring because I did sht all. Like actually. I almost have no point in going to school. The only work I've actually done lately for my classes is make the backup dancers routine for Ava's performance for the year end dance show. And I do that durring my spare!
But besides that schools almost over so good for that. OH I got this the other day ... Yeah my AI student pass. Haha, wasn't exactly sure when he was taking the picture so it looks like a mug shot. Oh well.
After school, chilled with bryan for a bit at the bistro, dragged on about how I don't want to go to work cause its such a nice day haha. Then went home, discussed my life finacially with my ma and her bf. Took a nap and headed to work.
Fcking work was PACKED! Me and hayden managed hosting everyone but. It got pretty intense. So many parties came when we were about to close. Made Brendan and Kelvin wait an extra half hour for me. Sooooooorry!
Headed to the park, did what we did. Haven't laughed like that in a while. Good sht. That one guy scared the sht out of me walking towards us like that. Go get a life man! Haha! Did the mcds quick bite and laughed even more. Sexy girl talk and then bounced home. Now I'm here writing this blog thinking about tonight. I enjoyed myself I really did :)
Tmrs going to be good too. I know it :)
Work hard, then play harder! Haha life story.
Good day. Good night. I SAY I LOVE this day.
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THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD.. i think i tripped, stumbled, and maybe fell in love?
Did i just SAY LOVE?
;) nahh
but i do believe that this is quite cute.
Make me laugh, show me off, make me smile, surprise me, don't hold back, be cute, quote TLC, joke around, show me your moves & i'll be satisfied =P
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Days where I don't work are the best. I'm so glad I booked off this long weekend! Though it was supposed to be for camping.. Plans tend to change, but I can adapt. Time to meet the bestfriends bf :) , birthday diner, do a bit of soul searching, and craft viewing with a friend, or at least something along those lines haha. Wow, a weekend with no work! Ahh I can't wait!
Another thing I can't wait for is GRAD! Yeah, a couple post back ago I said I wasn't excited. Now I am. Ever since we had the gr12 assembly to hear the valedictorian speeches it really got to me. One of them almost made me tear up! To think back of all the memories, from kindergarten all the way up till now.. 12years later! Holy, when you hear it like that its like schools been your whole life, and you're finally done! .. At least until collage/university. Ha! More school. But really grad is getting closer. Besides this one unfortunate even, I'm pretty happy with this grad outcome. Can't wait till my dress is finished. So simple, but so.. Perfect.
*sigh..
Q: what's up baby girl?
A: Shts good, just not great.
Q: now why might that be?
A: because the word "perfect" is a foreign word to my life vocabulary
Q: well, you know that nothings perfect right?
A: well yeah but when I say perfect, I mean perfect up to an average standard
Q: care to explain?
A: okay well u mean that my kind of "perfect" would be a good balance of both good and bad. You know, both good times and happy times..
Q: so your life is not at a good balance right now, is what you're trying to say?
A: yes that's it! Its like even though I get my share of both good and bad I'm still not.. Happy? I try to be, but deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside I know I'm not. This drop of sadness just lives there, but I don't understand why it decides to stay.
Q: do you know how it got there?
A: well.. I have a theory. Its like happiness one day met me. Then it moved in and use to live deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep down inside me , but it moved out when situations changed. Ever since then nothing has been able to move in, well not comfortably at least. So this drop of sadness decided to fill this vacant spot. But it feels like its still empty.. I know that happiness is not here anymore. But I miss the way happiness fit so comfortably. But I don't miss "happiness" its self. Happiness moved out and is shaped differently now. I wouldn't want it to move back in. But I do want this emptiness to be gone.
Q: so what are you going to do about this emptiness ?
A: well for now I think I'm going to leave it open, but not allowing anything move in, and hope that this emptiness will grow over, you know like a piercing.
I'm sorry what did you SAY LOVE?
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Unfortunately this means my summer is going to be cut down to basically 3 weeks :(. First day of actual classes begins July 6. I'm so stoked, but so scared at the same time!! Ahh just want to leave highschool already and start my summer.. Or what's left of it.
Being accepted feels good. The 2 and a half hour interview was worth it!
Knowing what you have to offer is good enough makes you feel useful in this world. Like you do fit in, and your not just a failure at life. When it comes to school, friends, or family. Speaking of family its mothers day today. My mother and I had lots of mother daughter time and had some girl talk time. For the first time in a long time I talked to her like a friend rather then just a mother. I talked to her about stuff she would normally disregard, but she accepted the things I had to say. She understood and gave me feedback. She laughed along with me when the time was right, and she gave advice when it was needed.
I'm happy with how my mothers day went. It wasn't just about gifts and how much was spent on what. But I think I really touched base on the sentimental value of mothers day. I appreciate my mother, and today I think she understood that.
Lately my perspective on a lot of things that are going on in my life has changed. This last dilemma was a eye opener. And I'm glad it happened. My hearts been a little lighter, my eyes are open a little wider, even my mind has found new paths to wonder through. And I'm also being harder on myself. Not letting myself fall for things so easily, not taking everything so seriously, not speaking every word my mind simply comes up with, and not trusting everything that looks nice just like that. This is the way it should be. For now at least, until I discover a new way of thinking of how I should do things. But from what I've learned so far in my life this should be my philosophy.
Usually I don't like change, but I'm accepting this new way of thinking.
Love it or hate it..
i SAY LOVE it!
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I don't know if I'm actually excited for this. Actually no I'm not. Right now grad to me is just another piece of high school closure. Maybe once my dress is ready and I try it on I'll be picturing how I'll look, no how we'll look : ) and how the night we'll go.
I still can't really take hold of the fact that I'm not going back to high school next year. This is it. And I know times going to fly by. Before I know it I'll be in school again, just not high school. Its may already, and I have no idea where the past couple months went. They really did sweep by quite fast. I guess its the schedule that creates this quick illusion. I love it when I have nothing to do after school.
A day like today. Knowing I had no work I stayed after school 'cause nobody was using the studio. With nobody else around its easier to freestyle. Blast the music as loud as I want, all this free space and "room for activities" haha. And I could just be there as long as I want. But I got tired after an hour. Felt the need to go home and rest since I haven't been able to do that stuff at night. Late nights and early mornings = naps during the day.
So that is exactly what I did. I love having time for myself. I don't get days like this very often. Lately its been school, dance, work, sleep, school dance comp, party, sleep, work, dance, sleep etc etc. So when I have time to sleep, sleep, clean, eat, draw, sleep I am very grateful :)
Yeah, a smile. I do that sometimes. You know when the world isn't on my back crushing not only my little body but my content-ish soul. To simplify it I just mean when I'm under pressure and stressed out. The stress that's been coming over me lately is from what people think and talk about. I'm not afraid to admit that I care what people think about me. Who doesn't? I mean its not like we let it take over our lives, but I mean we all do care what people think of us. Especially when people talk about something really personal about you, and you find out its been cycling around, but nobody really says something, until your one friend who's real with you simply asks about it and talks to you. Real talk. It hurts to know you put your trust in someone's words. But I guess I'm disappointed in myself for trusting anyone's word. We all know secrets get out. I wish I kept this one to myself.
There it is again. I can feel it. My soul being crushed and at the same time slowly sinking lower and lower. So fcking ashamed, and so sorry.
I usually can take care of myself and deal with what ever sht I got going on. But I think I need help this time.
Say where's the love?
Killing me softly.
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How is it that my insides feel flooded.
I've come to notice that I haven't actually skipped a class in... a very long time now. Its weird. Going to a full week of school is normal now, sad I know but I think its funny :)
