Can't wait for the new year & start fresh.
Also anticipating opening Jamie's gift.
Not looking forward to next week.
Looking forward to Arthur's new years party.
Now I should sleep.
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You're sweet
"I'm sorry. Wish I could take that all away."
I'm pretty sure when I see you this week you will.
:)
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Love is blind
Its sad to hear you crying over the phone but I mean you kind of built this upon yourself. Hearing you're apology showed me that there is still a window for us to get through to you, because you're starting to realize I yourself. But its sad that it took you Christmas to realize that we're not there because you told us not to be there. Christmas morning, you get up, get a wake up call & realize that your kids aren't there because you pushed them away. Who do you have left? You can answer that one yourself. But is it only christmas that made you realize? If it was a different time of the year would you still be calling to say sorry for everything? Its not like you've made any contact with me since. You didn't bother to answer my email, nor pick up the phone to see what's going on with me?
We've been giving you what you've been asking for, which is time to think. But I know that its not going to do much cause you still got that piece of sht laying around that house corrupting your mind. Manipulating you because you're too in "love" to be seeing things clearly & honestly thinking for yourself.
This years christmas was kind of weak but we still had a lot of other families here for us. Blood related or not, they we're there and that's all that mattered.
You know, I MAY be in love as well "but I'm not stupid in love"
Merry Christmas
& HBD Baby J
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Its pimpin' pimpin'
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Where everybody knows your name..
..even w/out a name tag.
I forgot mine today since all my sht is in boxes right now. I worked today at the restaurant and haven't for a week. The last time I worked an evening shift was probably a month ago or even more then that. I like working the day shifts but the evening shifts gives me more hours.
So today when I was working I got a couple tables asking me "where have you been?" Or "did you go on vacation?".. People notice my absence, & honestly it was of a nice feeling haha. We get a bunch of regulars so they know who works there.
We also get in a lot of locals so I see kids from my high school come in sometimes. Then there are others who have graduated from sullivan years before me that know everyone else. So there was this one table with 4 guys, I'm guessing a year or so older then me. One of them stops me and in my head I'm thinking he's going to ask how tall or how old I am. But no, this one was a little different. He saw the gold chain that my dad gave me & I was wearing and said he liked it. He said it looked nice because everywhere I was walking he'd see it shine. I thought that was the most random comment I have ever gotten from a customer. I gave a smirk, laughed a bit with his buddies, said thank you and went back to working trying not to laugh too hard. An hour or so later kids from sullivan come in, we say hi, and they sit with that group of guys. I guess they went to sullivan too before me. When they are all done eating and are now upfront paying & leaving I start to clean their table and that one guy comes back. Asks me if I needed any help. Laughing under my smile I said no. He's kind of studering and unsure of how to approach me. While I listen to his attempt at asking for my number and to hang out sometime I look over his shoulder and see his friends faces. Their looks seemed shocked that he actually went up to me again but in a good way. He tried to smooth things in by telling me I'm cute and then I just told him to ask my friend Kaela (who was sitting at their table as well) if my number was really what he wanted. Kalea came back to me after and told me how he was asking her to "hook him up" with me lol. We laughed and he left. I hope she didn't actually give him my number. Haha!
BigRidge is a crazy place, but I love it.
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sht..
"You're getting skinnier, I can feel it when I hold you"
I didn't notice it till you said something.
"Sandra you're skinnier, your thighs don't even touch"
I didn't believe it till she mentioned it too.
________________________________
horoscope for today:
"Something isn't sitting quite right with you now. Even if you know what you want to do & can visualize it happening, powerful feelings are rising to the surface, making you question your current path. Although your uncertainty won't likely be enough to provoke you to change yo mind, it could sabotage your plan. Expressing negativity may seem counterproductive, but it's also a smart way to clear the air of resistance."
never been so dead on before.
I want you to know why.
" I know I said it once before, but baby I'm just makin' sure. Know that there is nothing more than you. So baby take it all away, I don't need it anyway. I just want another day with you.
Some people just don't know what they have but boy I'm so glad I've got you. Some people say they search all they life but boy it's so nice I've found you.
Some people want it all but I don't want nothing at all If it aint you baby, if I aint got you baby. Some people want diamond rings some just want everything, but it means nothing, nothing if I aint got you."
I normally don't like saying I'm dependent. But I really am. If you weren't in my life still then I don't know who I'd be so dependent on.
Spending my extra hours with you makes everything so much better. It really does feel like nothing even matters. Laying with you, arms around me, holding me & making me feel like everything's going to be alright. Listening to me when I need to vent. Understanding my difficulties and believing in me. Wiping away my tears & being the source of my laughter. Clearing my head with good conversation. Letting me rest while doing me a favor. Taking care of me and making sure I'm going to be taken care of. Showing me you're affection. Loving me emotionally & physically. You make me feel good when I feel like only bad exist. I love you baby, and I want you to know why. Its because you do all that for me and I don't even need to ask.
DKE you are a blessing.
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Thankful..
-that I got my bestfriend. (Sh)
-that you're still here for me even though I didn't ask. You called me, you asked me to come over, and even though I didn't ask you to you did me a favor because you're here for me when I'm truly in need.
-for my sister & brother. You guys are holding ground so confidently even though everything is up in the air right now. I love you guys, & I look up to you both. Thanks for staying strong, cause I'm breaking with every bit of corruption that's been going down.
-for god giving us this amazing blessed family. The Amortanto family has been nothing but helpful to all of us. Thank goodness you guys are all cops, thank goodness for you're open arms and letting us into your home. Providing us with shelter. How do we ever repay you? .. That's something I'll be thinking about.
(never thought I would say this but..)
-for Aritzia. Thanks for keeping me busy. Thanks for occupying my mind so I don't have to think of everything else. Thanks for getting me out & out of this mess. But sometimes I need a break from you.
"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
Its time for me to stop being such a pessimist in this situation. Shit's rough, but there's no need to make it any harder on myself.
Thanks.
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Home
I've lost the meaning to this word.
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Glad you're in prison
You've been nothing but trouble since the day you stepped into our lives. Trying to buy our acceptance, please. We never liked you and never did I ever feel comfortable around you. You made me feel like a stranger in my own home. You were doubted in the beginning and nerves never calmed down when you were around. Ever since you fcked up that first time we knew you couldn't be trusted again. Do you know how much pain you have caused my family? Do you know how fcked up you are? You sick mother fcker I'm glad I caught you. Tryna fool me with your stupid ass lie, I caught you FCKING RED HANDED! And am I EVER glad to know that you're behind bars right now. But that still doesn't cover for the damage you've done to the relationships in the family. You've brainwashed the one thing that could NEVER EVER in a million years be replaced. I hope you're fcking satisfied cause if fcking our lives up was your plan then CON-motherfcking- GRATULATIONS, YOU DID IT all by yourself. You honestly need some help cause you're sick.
It sadden & angers me to see you struggle with a decision like this. I know you're frustrated with everything that is going on but look at what end we're on. Still you can't see which is more important. I really thought you ment that last time you said in that email. But your actions tonight made it clear to see that those feelings that once existed don't exist no more. Here you go, all the space you need. We're gone now, just like you wanted.
I don't like cops but they we're our extra life line tonight. So many questions & so many answers. Record my memory, take notes on my detail, see and hear what I have witnessed. At the station past 12am .. This all started to go down at 11am.
What if I didn't make those plans to go out. Would I have needed to borrow that cardigan, would I have caught that sick fck, would he have done it again the next day.
Tired of these stupid ass lies & sorry ass excuses. Go do something with your life rather than just sitting on you're ass in front of that screen. You're pathetic!
Stop drilling this family into this chaos, cause the more it happens the further this family gets.
FUCK YOU!
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Strangely I'm so Happy
Woke up early enough to get ready find my notes and eat. Started work at 10 and did it ever start of great...
An elder lady and her mother come into Aritzia. I go up to them and ask them if they needed help with anything, I show them the new wilfred collection and they liked it. They had good taste. Found out she was looking for her daughters, one being pregnant. (Or she said is going to be in january hahaha!) I helped them pick out many things throughout the store while good conversation was going. They had lovely personalities and we're so easy to talk to and help. In the end while the merchandise was being rung threw they asked for her information. Then asked if her daughters name was the same as hers. And she says "Yep, Buble". Till asks from burnaby? She says "Yep", jokingly I asked "are you related to Michael Buble?" She says... "I'm his mother"
WAS I EVER FILLED WITH INSANE HAPPINESS! I absolutely love michael bubles voice and him himself. And I got to cater to his mom and grandma. Haha they were such sweet people. When and or if Michael has another concert here me & my mom are going FOR SURE!!
So yes work was grrreat! Then during break I did my 30 mins of studying, got to eat lunch and catch up on bbm/text msgs. Went back on and kicked it at 4:30.
Got 2 missed calls. Called back and momma Edwards gave me the sweetest little hope everythings ok, keep doing well, hope you understand, little pep talk. Love you too ma :) we'll keep in touch. & yes we had a wonderfun time in toronto & I'll never forget it, thank you!
Rushed my ass & had a meeting at the school at 5. Then had my final at 630. We finished class with watching transformers and eating pizza. Got my marks and passed with 90% on my test and as my final mark. Pretty happy.
Realized I had forgotten to write something in for work so I headed to metro. Talked up some good school conversation with a classmate & met a girl on the train. She over heard us talking about school and asked us where we went. I asked her and she said she went to langara taking fine arts. As small as a world we live in she ends up knowing another friend that goes there. April I hope you get a new Ipod for christmas haha.
So I'm back at Aritzia filled out what I needed to fill out, quickly said hi to chadley & started to head back to the train. Thursday night I'm done school, I don't work at aritzia or the restaurant tmr and I have a totally free day. I just realized it then so I start calling ppl. Studying, errands tmr, blah blah blah. So I'm staying over serenas house tonight and trying to find something to do tmr. Being distracted by thinking about my day I get on the train. Then realize that I'm on the wrong one when I left columbia. Haha I had to get off switch, get back on, get off, switch, get back on and head back to surrey hahaha fml!
And here I am at surrey central waiting for this bus haha. Good day, and its still going.
Yes tmr I'm watching the lion king with leo! Ugh I love that movie. Ok that's all for now :)
Oh and hi rizzy! ;)
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And a good friend came along
Friend: Usually I'd give a good "everyone deserves to be happy, think positive" sort of thing but I have something different for you. haha.
Me: What's that?
Me: That I should be happy? Lol
Friend: hahah
Friend: nope.
Friend: as much as I think you deserve to be happy. or that you should.
Me: *shouldn't
Friend: You're growing up Cas. Alot. Over the past couple months, a substantial amount. If I know anything about growing up, it means, unfortunately, that there's less time for fun and games. And there's no time for games. Especially the avoiding your girlfriend type games.
Friend: I can tell you what you do deserve. And that's everything. Easy. But you don't deserve to be playing ring around the rosey with your boyfriend. You deserve to TREATed the way you've grown, and that's good. Because tricks are for kids. and that's not you. ha.
Thanks friend.
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If you did it now...
Then I'd be better.
I guess.
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Oh Boys..
My day was great. I helped out this guy who wanted to get his girlfriend an outfit for christmas and he was like where did you get your pullover/ sweater. I said here at aritzia. So I showed him where the oversized sweater was and he said actually I like what you're wearing, can you get me all that. Haha I thought it was so cute, and it made me feel good haha. So he got my whole outfit. From my wool high socks, blk leggings, tb tang top, flannel shirt, and oversized sweater. Haha so cute of him.
& then a weird coincidence occurred. This guy comes in, my manager goes up to him asking him what is he looking for. He's looking for rocs so my manager calls me over and says "Cas can you help this man find Roc &Rep for his girlfriend"... And sure enough its my ex boyfriend who moved to Calgary after we broke up. Haha it was good to see Kris again, kind of funny since its been almost 5 years since we were once a "couple". We caught up and I picked out a lovely new pair of rocs for him to get his girl. Hahaha what are the odds. But in the end he helped me out with my sales, so it worked out for the best!
Haha crazy ish.
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ATM: 1:21am
I'm here laying in bed
Bbming 2 different convos
Msning 1
Thinking
Feeling..
Feeling.. Uneasy?
Maybe just hungry
Eyes are feeling a little flushed,
Just watched "This Christmas"
Thank you michael ryan
Oo I should listen to the cd I bought
Maybe it'll clear my head.
Hmm
Where are you?
=\
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I missed you..
After working in surrey, dropping homework at renfrew, & getting fitted in van, I headed to burnaby to watch Winter Groove.
Unfortunately tickets were sold out, so donnel & I had to just chill back stage with the rest of the performers. It was arright but it would have been cool to watch everybody from the audience rather than backstage. It doesn't look as cool. But over all it was still good.
Spontaneously Jonathan asked me if I wanted to perform & do a freestyle with him while Dominique got to sing. I was kind of caught off guard, but deep down I kind of did want to perform. I miss that whole dance scene, but I know that it can't be my life style right now. But I did end up saying yes and had to act as if we were in a relationship together, and then freestyle. It was pretty fun & embarrassing at the same time since we didn't get the timing right and it got kind of awkward on stage hahaha. But it was all fun.
Sicktylz performance looked pretty cool from the side lines but hilarious knowing what was going on backstage. Haha girls were pissed cause they needed help. But everything worked out.
And as always 24/7 looked insanely clean and amazing reppin their new W.I.S.D.O.M. made tees. I'm pretty curious to see what 24/7 is going to look like with the girls in there. Only the future will tell.
Jerome & Justins mom performance I heard was super cute. Kinda sad that I missed it since they brought up their moms and everything. Maybe I'll see it on fb.
Then the original XSS came together.. Haha jp was so cute cause he was pretty stoked to reunite.
The show ended & it was time to bounce. Almost errbody went to the white rock party but me and abby just wanted to go eat. It was preeetty late and we didn't know what was open, so we ended up kickin it different ways haha so sad.
Then my hunger was rescued. I ate in surrey @ bbworld with suboi so it was all good.
Hmm this blog entry is getting lame so I'll stop myself before I go any further.
Off to class I go!
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*sigh :)
Oh Peter.
There's also this song that is new to me which I am also very much feeling. Its by...
Sean Garrett ft. Ludda - GRIPPIN ON THE BED
You must listen ;) haha good song.
Aaarrrright, project time.
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Love Brings Change
"Maybe the world doesn't see you and maybe they dont understand.
Just cause you don't see the footprints don't mean that there not in the sand.
I know your surrounded by strangers it
feels so alone in your heart.
But when everyone stands in the darkness no one can tell them apart.
Now everyone has there own stories and nobodys ends quite the same.
I love for the days in the sunshine up over the nights in the rain.
But love brings change
Love brings change
Love brings change
Love brings change
Oh love brings change when you need it
Love love love brings change"
-Jamie Foxx
____
A friend of mine has met someone new. This new person has been bringing only good to my friends life. Just before this someone came around my friend was in that state where everything in life sucked because their loved one moved on. This new "love" that has come along is turning the world around for my friend. & I'm glad to see my friend that way.
__
You learn a lot from these changes. Most of the time these changes are good. They are especially a good experience to go thru because you see things a little differently. You then carry on this new information and put it into good use for the next time you have an encounter with another wonderful experience.
I wish you all the best with this new someone. Happy looks good on you.
____
I had a dream last night.. I hardly remember it but I just had a dream flash back, and I think I was working in a museum trying to physically time off of work. Haha, yeah I don't know...
____
"Oh love brings change when you need it"
I don't think you and I have changed just yet. We don't need it right now. But we are learning together & I'm glad we are. Can't wait till you're back. It'll be like june all over again. *sigh :)
Miss you D.
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Thin Ice
There I am standing on thin ice with a smile on my face and a cupcake in my hand. With out ever knowing possibly when the ice might decide to break. The only advanced notification I can get is starting to hear the ice crack, which leaves me barely any time to react if I'm lucky.
Smiling because for the moment everything is good. Cupcake in my hand because life is sweet deal with what I got going on when things work out. But the thin ice is my schedule which I can love & hate at the very same time.
__________________
Its crazy, lately I've been feeling like I've gotten a lot of good karma... If karma really does exist. & I like to believe it does so ha! :)
Alright homework time!
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Misses...
-my Jh boys
-my jh girls
-kuchas
-cotillion entourage
-jamiejane
-douglaskelvin
-her daddy
-dancing
-summer
-"dora" baby
-seeing the flashing blue LED go off
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Balance
Work times at Aritzia were conflicting with BigRidge work times & then school change their schedule dates which were the same time as work.. It was just not an organized week for me. I guess I've lucked out for the past 4 weeks.
I needed to let out the confusion & stress pains I've been hiding. I really didn't know I had them till last night. It was quite overwhelming but it happens.
I haven't had a night like that in.. A LONG time. I don't like it, but because its a familiar feeling I'm not scared of it. I just know that I have to deal with it & then keep moving forward.
So that is exactly what I did today. Got my ass up, showered & I already was starting to feel better. Yeah the mirror wasn't my best friend this morning but my morning face from last nights sorrow was slowly fading as the day passed by & new feelings grew over. My eye lids looked like they gained 5 pounds each haha but it made my eyelashes look extra long.
I got to work earlier than I thought & I felt good being dressed up & prepared to work. Work started off slow for a bit but it wasn't too bad. A lot of new girls were on but we had some major top sellers on the floor. But I managed to do quite well. My SPH doubled since my last shift & boy was I glad. I was brutally honest on who I was helping & wasn't helping. I think that gave me good karma.
I didn't even have to close today since metro was open till 9. I got to get out by 6 so I was so relieved! On the way to the train stopped into the stores where I knew friends might be working so it was nice running into familiar faces.
My heart beat is back on its normal pace & my eyes are at its original state. Life alright. Lifes not balanced, but its alright. & I can deal with that right now.
Yes I can.
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Can't sleep
I have work tmr..
Stress load is killing me
Someone help...
Or just shoot me,
Shoot me now.
Major FML moment. Yeah fuck!!
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& we chilled..
Too lazy to go out. Work tired me out this morning.
Happy birthday baby girl.
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The other day..
It actually reminded me of the day I got to see my grad dress. The lady making my dress called me & let me know it was ready to be checked out before the final finish. Kelvin, Serena, and Mark all came with me & waited in the next room while I put this dress on. The design was A LOT different from how I originally wanted it. My dress was NOT supposed to be fitted at all. It was actually supposed to hang everywhere, but w/e. I put it on and came out. My entourage liked it, but it was hard for me to appreciate since I wasn't so happy about the dress though it did turn out pretty nice. I didn't want no shiny beads or any of that typical ish. But it was a little different from the crowed & I was satisfied.
My grad was fun, Kelvins grad was amazing.. Since it felt like it was mine, & my debut was great. I wore that dress to all 3 events. Hahaha! W/e I got my use out of it & will probably never use it again.
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Yeah we did..
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ATM: time
So turn to this
Head on
And keep on
Keeping on
I'll need heart and I'll need courage
We all need time
So let's make time... work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Don't you know, well god only knows.
Is there somebody waiting?
So you'll hold yourself up and you'll hold yourself in
And then pray that you are growing
And turn this,
Darkness
Into light, and I'll turn too bright
Forget all the hype "
-The Maccabees
PRECIOUS TIME
Great song
Last night was needed. & because of last night today is better.
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If I had a macbook..
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lyrics & meanings behind them
"There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground... And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down"
- Tegan & Sara
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME
*So Jealous
"Sometimes sitting in the dark wishing you were here
turns me crazy,
but it's you who makes me lose my head."
- Adele
CRAZY FOR YOU
*19
"But first you took me around introduced me to your family&friends
And told them how once we met that we would never lose"
- Solange Knowles
I DECIDED
*I DECIDED
"I'm a mess right now
Out of order
I'm torn up, I'm goin down
Won't you hold me together I'm porin out
I need you that's how I fee...
Cause I been needin you lately"
- Keri Hilson
WHERE DID HE GO
*In A Perfect World
"So glad I found you babe
So thankful for your ways
Its such a blessing
To love and be loved in return
I tried to keep myself from you
But now I finally see the truth
Can't nobody love me like you do"
- The Foreign Exchange
WANNA KNOW
*Leave It All Behind
"Sensitive, its true
Alligator tears cried over you"
- Tegan & Sara
ALLIGATOR
*Satinthood
More coming soon....
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Its getting harder..
The loves there, we both know it. You keep reminding me it is. Talking to you on msn for 5mins is a huge tease. I don't know if it is for you, but it is for me.
.. I love you too, you know I do.
Stop saying sorry. We're both busy, we knew this would be. Like I said before, we're going to have nights where we have nothing to say, or night where we have too much to say, or times where we just won't have a chance to talk to each other. Understood, so yes I appreciate the apology but one "sorry" is enough. Its not your fault that it's like this.
I miss you a lot. When you come back we'll have a lot to talk about. Or at least we should.
See you soon... Enough.
: (
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100%
I think that if I had less things going on in my life I'd be better at them.
If I were to just be..
*working @ Big Ridge then I
-would offer more hours to put in
-cover more shifts others can't
-study the menu so I can get my foods card
*working @ Aritzia I
-would work full time
-get to know my PK
-(which would probably) bring up my SPH
-buy more clothes :)
*going to school I
-would spend a LOT more time on projects/homework
-draw A LOT more
-fill in some empty canvases
-would be taking full time course loads
-would be broke
*dancing I
-would still be in Sickstylz
-would still be teaching downtown
-would keep teaching Sullivan's Senior team & the boys team (but A.T.M. I'm just doing seniors)
-would be broke haha!
*performing in the olympics I
-wouldn't have to bother tweaking my life's schedule.
I wish I could give a full 100% to all of these things here but my body cannot handle it. Lately I haven't been sleeping much (min.2-max5hrs of sleep a night), eating properly (I only have one proper meal each day which is at night), & keeping my room clean. That's kind of a big thing for me. I live in my room, so if my room is messy, my life is messy. I feel so unorganized & lazy when its not clean & I don't like the feeling. But I don't always have the time.
2-3 days a week @ Big Ridge
3 days a week @ Aritzia
3 days a week @ School
1 day a week @ Sullivan (teaching)
1 day a week @ Olympic rehearsals
As much as I LOVE being busy I would like more self time for sleep & eating!
Oh gezzz.
I think I like testing my limits. I do that with a lot of things in my life. Push till I can't push no further. Its almost like I like to suffer. I get some sort of kick out of it that I don't even realize when I'm actually doing it.
100% a busy bee
Goodnight
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*delete delete delete*
as much as we'd like to leave it behind we never really do forget. We delete, we throw away, we keep thoughts in our heads & out of our mouths, we go on like we should and we "forget."
Some say it takes 3 years, some say 1. How do you really know? How do I know its forsure or if i'm just remembering.
I think I want to be f.. f... well you know, the "F" word. I want to still be able to talk to/ see her. I really miss her. Miss watching her grow day to day. Its not going to happen, but maybe we'll bump into each other. But I probably wont be remembered. I'll be a stranger in those eyes, while these eyes would have tears, (knowing how sensitive I get in sittuations like that)all because I got to see the start of something beautiful from day one. From the first time her eyes opened to the world, to the days where her pretty eyes couldn't stop holding back tears to her beautiful eyes seeing one candle on her very first cake. Then it all faded.
I hear she's got down sentences. & the last time I heard her speak all that would come out was "Dora"
Maybe, one day we'll have another encounter.
*delete delete delete*
rephrase: We'll have another encounter. Someday...
the "F" word = Friends
It hasn't crossed my mind in a while. Yet it still hits me pretty hard in the heart, but I can still go on.
Yeah, I can.
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"& she respond YES-S-S-I-R"
Taking shots with the older cousins. They finally see I'm not so "little" any more. Ha, fun.
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4am:Jordan
Sketches at 4 in the am. Can you find his name?
Amateur Artisan aka me
Yup
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A miracle!
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*ring ring*
"Tony Edwards"
Hesitant to pick up. Wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to you.
Let it ring a couple more times. Pressed the green phone and heard her voice on the other side of the line. Wasn't expected, but wasn't surprised.
We had a 10 min conversation. Your two favorite girls worry about you. We want only good for you. But no more mrs. & ms. easy. Please understand why.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Empty canvas
Just the beginning, its like "where do I start?"
So many options I can't choose.
____________
"If you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself" -b&w
Yesterday I fell asleep to some black & white movie. When I see b&w movies on I like to watch them. Actors back then were very different then how actors are now. I liked it then, they seem very passionate. Maybe its the perfect lighting which gives off this flawless look, or maybe its the complementary shades of just b&w. Either way it works marvelously. It might even be in the way they talk. Almost like the Gilmore girls how they talk super fast. But when it comes to a really emotional part they slow down and pause, as if they start reminiscing in the middle of their sentence as they look far off into space. And then they end their sentence quickly looking down and then take in a deep breath. Its pretty predictable but I still love it.
Hmm so yep I was rambling there. I just wanted to point out this one quote I remember from this movie. It was a mexican police man talking to this man from america who was a detective trying to catch the guy who murdered his friend. The policeman said...
"If you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself"
I see this being true in other ways rather then just criminals who break laws. But I don't want to think out loud about this one. Ill let you ( who ever you are/ who ever reads this/ if anyone reads this haha..) think about it.
I'll give you the canvas, let you spill the paint this time.
g...
Mm, Night.
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5senses
I see the sight of something so pleasing. Having the vision to see you there in front my eyes and beside my body. It gives me security knowing you're here with me, especially after not seeing you for just about a month. Physically being able to see you makes my heart smile.
Your lips move as you express your thoughts. My ears give me the ability to hear your soft voice go on about your day, your emotions, your minds great work. I hear you, and my mind creates movies out of the stories you tell me. I picture your world in my head because I am able to. Because you are able to speak to me & I can hear you. The sound of your voice touches my mind and makes it use its creative ability.
We get closer and closer until our bodies meet and we are now touching. Feeling the warmth coming off your bodies skin and onto my cold hands. Our bodies intertwine as if our bodies were made to be put in these positions. This puzzle, that we are, works like ying & yang. I feel your soft skin, voluminous hair, & luscious lips against mine. We lay together, holding each other now being mesmerized into a beautiful love aura. Where everything is nothing, and he is now everything and the only thing.
What could make this more real besides smelling the sent of your body. The essence that can only be purified by you. This aroma livens the moment and will forever be memorized.
We kiss and the sensation of your lips against mine leaves me breathless. The taste of your breath refreshes the flavors already tainted in my mind.
Loving you, loving me.
_______________________
I wish I could look in your eyes
And tell you how i feel
Right now inside
Baby i know that it's real
So real so real, so real
How i wish i could be with you
How i wish i wish i wish i could be with you right now
Every morning, every afternoon, every night
I wanna be with you
It don't matter if we go to the park or watch a play
Stay in the hotel room all day
I just wanna be with you
I love everything about you
From your old school tennis shoes
To the way you move when you're dancing with me
Do you remember our first kiss
It wasn't long enough
Remember the first time
We spent those weeks together
They were not long enough
All of our conversations
All of your sweet pages
They're never long enough
When it's time for me to leave
It's so hard to say good-bye
I never want to say good-bye
I never ever want to say good-bye
One day we'll make love
Finally i'll be yours
Only you only you
I could love you
It's too late
I already love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
______________
5 months & 5 senses
Love you baby.
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SMILE
I woke up super duper early by accident. My alarm was set for 9:30am. Enough time to eat, shower, look perrty, and put on some clothes. But I woke up at 8am. So I had so much extra time to do activities! Just kidding, but I did put on make up. Yeah make up like eye liner and a touch of eye shadow!! Made myself look all perrty for the camera, which at the time I wasn't trying to jinx but hoping for the best. Before I left I was still all nervous cause I had so much time to just wait. Starting talking to suboi and what a great conversation we had. He made me RE-realize what a sweet bf I have. I do miss him dearly. I feel like we hardly talk because by the time my phone rings and our conversation starts I'm already more than half asleep :(. I can't wait for this weekend though. But back to subject, yes so suboi did start off my 1st SMILE which lasted for quite a while and helped me relieve my nerves a bit.
Driving instructor came, drove for 45mins and headed to ICBC. Got in the car, and started my test. Yup I was nervous but then he was cool, and nice. Everything went smooth, and I passed! So there it goes again the 2nd SMILE of the day.
Got home and headed right back out. The day before I got a call from my old manager at aritzia. Asking me if I want to work again for seasonal or something. So I said sure and we were supposed to meet and talk about my schedule. I got there, we started talking and then I realized she wanted me to work as an actual sales associate, part-time and all that. I was kind of stunned but I said sure why not (there goes that SMILE again, but a confused one this time. Still a smile though). So yes I'm back at aritzia again, but still at the restaurant, and teaching, and school. Man I'm going to be busy. But I would like to save a lot more now. My big future plans can't happen w/out steps to make it work.
Hello car, hello moving out. (In about a year and a half or so.)
Lastly, HBD MEEKS!
Cool, project&study time now.
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Life's great when I don't procrastinate.
Ha! I should be a rapper.
So I've been busy doing all my laundry, homework, and cleaning my room all at once. I don't even think I turned on the TV once today. I'm still not done my project for school but I still have tmr to do it. Mid-terms this week & next. So I've been studying my ish.. Though its not very hard, I'm not going to lie. I just need to keep expanding my vocabulary.
Work was pretty fun/funny. I was expediting today, and I'm very glad the head chefs are friendly w/ me. Every time they screw up on a bill the extra food gets to be picked at by me first :) haha its great. Free food is always better. I didn't work very long but because there was a game tonight, and it was wing night, so we had quite a bit of people and tips we're good. I'm not broke!
Actually I got a letter in the mail today from the Ministry of Finance. I got the money for my scholarship! Well half of it so far. $500 in the bank feels nice. But its going into my savings. I don't want to touch it right now. Just when thought I was going broke, something like this happens. Fates a mystery!
Alright, more homework/ studying to get done.
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WHA?!
"You might believe that you are on a mission today and nothing will stand in your way. However, you could be the biggest obstacle in your path now by doubting a previous decision. There's nothing wrong with digging deeper to find the truth, but questioning your own integrity is a waste of energy. You might not be able to quiet your fears, but you don't have to give them power over your feelings."
HOW DID MY HOROSCOPE KNOW?!
WHA?!
Bag lady
"Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way"
I thought I threw them old bags away. Guess not.
When I said "My turn" I meant its time for me to soften the truth. Truth is I don't want to loose you. No wait I'm still softening it..
Hard truth is (yes I'll admit) I need you. You keep me sane. And when I mean sane I mean you balance me. You keep me happy. You constantly pull sht out of your sleeve like a magician and surprise me with something new. And there I am, like a little kid, loving the entertainment.
You told me the truth, and I trust you.
But I quote..
He: "Truth brings closure"
She: "Not always"
(CSI/Grissom)
I should not let past experiences (these old bags) get in the way.
I know I know I know, you still my love.
I'm girl you talk to every night.
I'll keep that in mind.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Softening the truth
hmm.
how do i feel about this?
not surprised..
how should i feel about this?
doesn't matter.
My turn.
What are dreams supposed to mean?
Every since, my thoughts can't help but think.. I hate it. I remember this feeling, and where this feeling led me. Fck
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
"I am not my hair" - India
Coool :)
Ps: I'm tired
Pss: I can't sleep
Psss: As tired as I am its hard to fall asleep w/out your call
I want this next week(& a half) to go by as fast as it can!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
See you in 6 months
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"Fear is the heart of love"
I don't fear you, and neither does my love. But I've been fooled before thinking the same things you've said to me last night was supposed to happen before. But it means so much more to me coming from you. But the last time I believed in all of that, it turned on me and a lot that was once said doesn't mean anything anymore. I'm not saying I don't trust what you say to me, nor do I doubt your love for me, or for our relationship. I just hope that your right.
I don't fear you, and neither does my love. I trust you because I have no reason not too. Actually I guess I could say that I have many reasons to trust you/love you, as much as I do. You've never wronged me, never hid anything from me (besides that one thing GG said haha! But I know you did that so I wouldn't have to worry), my friend even had a dream about you which made her see why I love you so much, you always remind me that you love me, you take care of me physically/mentally/(and your attempts at) financially (thanks but no thanks :), you drive almost 5 hours just to come down on weekends, you're just always showing me you love and care for me. There are so many other things I could have listed, but those are just a few at the top of my head.
If I ever think of something that actually bothers me I'll talk to you about it. If its minor and I know I'll get over it I'll keep it to myself, won't talk about it, and forget about it. But if you ask me I'll tell you, but remember its no big.
I'm sorry you felt pretty uncomfortable being on the other side of the line while I was there with her. I don't like making you feel that way, but she is still a real good friend of mine.
"Go steady with me.
I know it turns you off when I
I get talking like a teen
I get talking like a teen"
"& the point of it all is I Love you"
& I'm not afraid to even if "fear is the heart of love"
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
ATM
I couldn't care less about what you think. So keep your remarks to yourself, because you're starting to piss me off you lazy fck!
___
Getting a new jap student today. We only have him here for the weekend. We'll see how this goes.
School was lame because my drawing teacher can't teach, or is scared of teaching.. I'm going to make a complaint.
Rain sucks
Okay off to take care of business :)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Working a double.
I left work after my morning/afternoon shift. Rested, read some cosmo, kept listening to Tegan & Sara's latest album, which is just as good as the last one, ate curry chicken, and then headed back to work at 5. Expedited again and I didn't mess up at all! Yay me :) tips were pretty good since the Canucks were playing. The Pub wasn't as full as I expected it to be. But the restaurant was packed. We had a line at the door for quite some time. But time went by fast cause it was busy for the longest time and I always found something todo. Which is good cause I don't feel useless. I like my job. Its actually been over a year since I first started.
When I first started I remember how entertaining it was for me because I would get these 2 repeated questions at least 15 times in one night. Question #.1) How old are you?/ Are you old enough to work here? Question #.2) How tall are you? Haha that didn't stop for months. I still get it every once in a while, but not as much as before. But I remember 1 night about a year ago my Manager Graem decided to measure me. So he put me against the wall and with a pen marked my height down. Then he grabbed a tape measure and concluded that I was 4'8.
So for a long time now, when I would see someone I haven't seen in a while they would say "Have you gotten shorter?" I would say maybe, a lot of people always ask that. So me and the head chef Matt decided to go back to that marking on the wall. I go back against the wall and what do you know. I'm about half a cm shorter then I was before. Not a crazy difference. But unfortunately I am shorter :( haha that's so weird. I'm never going to grow, nor get up to 5! LAME!
Oh well, I've been living under the average height my whole life. I'm pretty sure I can live with it for the rest of my life. No BIG! ;)
Currently listening to:
Tegan & Sara - Someday
Kelvin.. This song might also be my favorite song out of the album, even though the whole album is great. This one seems the most happiest sounding. I'm feeling the organ sounding background tunes.
"Might paint something I might want to hang here someday
Might write something I want to say to you someday
Might do something I'd be proud of someday
Mark my words, I might be something someday"
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My new favorite top
Currently working on my assignment for my Color Theory class but I need more magz, tags, fabrics, and anything else I can cut up paste and put on to this page! I have to fill up a double sided sketch book page (9"x12") with anything that has to do with what we learned last day which was the "CNYK Colour Star" which consist of Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary colors. & then there's the Color Biased Wheel also consisting of the 3 types just formatted differently. My new favorite top would be perfect to cut up and paste onto my project, but its too new and I like it too much haha. I'll find something else to put on it. Since I'm stuck for now I'm going to start on my other 4 projects.
Currently listening to:
Common ft. Pharrell - Punch Drunk Love (rmx)
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ATM
Had work from 11am-12pm teaching @ scotiabank dance centre under SVS. Was a good class. This was supposed to be my 2nd last class before the program ends, but Lynn and Lor wouldn't mind having the program run for an additional 5 weeks since the students like the class. Yay I get to keep making routines and get paid to teach them. Awesome!
Got paid so I decided to go for a look-see at UO.. Got myself a top. (It feels so good to buy myself clothes, I haven't done so in a while) Last paycheck from my restaurant I spent more then half of it at metro.. Oh dear! I'm getting addicted :P
++alright, the only few things I still want and will only let myself get are the following...
-high waisted leggings (preferred in black)
-boots!
-long 3/4 (maybe knitted) vest/cardigan
-another pair of dark denim jeans
Alright this blog lasted me all the way to Scott Road. But I have not much else to say so later!
Ps: I feel really good, for some odd reason.
(Currently listening to : St Vincent - The Strangers)
Pss: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNEL!! :)
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You're kinda special to me
- "OKANAGAN Premium Cider"
- Modest Mouse - "Float on" started to play in the restaurant
- And then one of our bartenders was talking to me and the word "OTAY" popped right out of his mouth
Daily reminders to keep me smiling.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Great Week+end
MON
First day of skew.
SUB teacher.
Rushour heading home
Chilled with my Bestfriend
Caught up on some "girltalk"
TUES
Taught Sullivan's Senior Team
(You can watch the routine @ http://www.danceparto.blogspot.com)
Chilled with Donnel
We grabbed some BBT @ Pearl Fever
& then I signed out a couple CDs & a book
Started reading my book "TRUE LOVE" - Robert Fulghum
WED
Happily @ 4 months
Worked a short 3 hour shift
THURS
Went for a run
Did laundry
Stapples and bought another sketch book
Sullivan for practice
McDs w/ CHELSEA cause she can drive & has a car yay!
Got my education on from 630-1030
>GREAT TEACHER & CLASS (Colour Theory)
Home freez @ around 1120
FRI
Skew
Thanks Giving Dinner @ my cousins
Chelsea, Kaela, Greg & Chris came over
My baby creeped in my room around 4am
SAT
Stopped by my other cousins place & ate
Watched "The Invention of Lying"
Cafe Deux Soleils watched Franics recite some poetry
Pearl Fever to stalk Chelsea at work
Saw Antho Justin & Donnel
SUN
ate @ WINGS
Kelvin taught me how to parallel & reverse park
Went to my dads place for another ThanksGiving Dinner
Went to the park for a herbal high
Rented & watched Obsessed & Monsters Vs. Aliens
MON
Didn't get out of bed till 130pm
Kelvin headed back home
Went to metro with my sister
Forever 21 was disgustingly crowded
Chilled/ played video games @ Marcs
Ate out on commerical
Went to watch a Poetry Slam @ Cafe Deux Soleils
Earlier on I had so much better things in my head to say, but now I just can't put it in the words i wanted to. Brain dead. Need to eat goodnight.
Good b... See you later.
After having Kelvin over for the weekend it was yet that time again where we go our separate ways. Sunday mornings are becoming routine.
Wake up to my annoying alarm, realize that I don't want to get out of bed with him, press snooze, and press it another 5 times until I realize that I actually have to start getting ready. Shower, eat breakfast, he drops me to the train and we say "goodbye.." for now. I head down town to get to work by 11, and he heads back to the Okanagan. See you thanksgiving weekend!
______________________________
Today was my last sickstylz practice. I told marc I had to talk to him before practice. I brought him outside and let him know that I cannot/ won't be dancing this year with sickstylz. I was so relieved when he told me he wasn't mad. More understanding then anything actually. He let me know that I could stay for this last practice, which I wasn't expecting on doing. I went through the practice without breaking the news to everyone. I didn't really want it to be a big deal. Then people started to ask me questions that had to revile my unfortunate occurrence to a few others. But at the end of practice marc made it public and let everyone in on my deal. I was hoping he wouldn't because I'm insanely sensitive about parting with things I love. Or actually. Just sensitive with everything haha, but the things I love the most. So there it was out in the open, some surprised, some not so much. Everybody crowding around saying "awe cas" and being a big baby as I was of course I start to tear up. And then from behind me Gino picks me up and I'm covering my face full of tears now that I'm pretty much balling my eyes out. Then I hear "gibberish" start to play so of course they expect me to do it. I'm getting extremely shy but I made carmen do it with me! (Gino you sell out! Haha) Of course I'm all shy/nervous and not remembering my routine and mess up quite a bit. Then "haunting me" starts to play and donnel and I start doing our routine. Unfortunately they didn't have me and donnels mix of "hammer bros" so we didn't get to do that dance but everything else was overwhelming. I felt very loved I'm not going to lie. I love sickstylz, ill miss you guys. But this is not "goodbye" this is just a "see you later" type situation. Ahh eff me I hate to go, but its for the best this year. At least I hope so =P
________________________________
I never did like "goodbyes"
Leaving that one place was the hardest thing to do.
Why?
Because I basically grew up with those people. Those people were family to me. Took care of me when I was in need, helped me through blood-family hardships, and kept me focused and always pushed me harder to be better at what I was good at. I absolutely loved the people there. And deep deep down inside I still do. They're my past. But now it like they will only be my past. As much as it was hard for me to leave, it now seems as if its just as hard.. No its even harder to go back. Or at least to look back. Reminiscing about that place is now on a boat that floats on its own. I think about my past with them constantly. And thru an anonymous source I've heard they reminisce about those times as well. But there is just no way of us being able to reminisce together.
How do I even begin to get back to that? Or at least make peace with that? Right now I have no clue, but I am working on it. I really am. But the longer I wait to actually go thru with this the harder and tenser it gets.
Once day things will be okay. And okay is good enough for me.
________________________________
Speaking of which, "gibberish" just started playing on my ipod. Hahaha
*sigh :(
______
Fyi: if this blog is poorly written, maybe more than usual, its because I'm insanely tired.
Running on 6 hours of sleep + my day of work, dance, and busing adds up and turns my energy to a minimal working speed to function.
Does that even make sense? Haha fck it. Goodnight.
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"Talk to people you have never talked to before" - Craig Lock
WORK
3hour shift. Kind of lame but its still worth my time and tips were good.
BANK
Updated my card, which now has those new chips in it. Got paid, paid my bill, & transfered/saving money.
HOME
Kevin Cano stopped by for a life update. Hope everything works out for the best buddy.
Kelvin's mother came over and dropped Brownie off : )
Got ready to go out
BOSTON PIZZA
Kevin Coelho & I had dinner, caught up, talked about everything in life possible. Ordered SOOOO much food & topped it off with desert.
STARBUCKS
Carried on our conversation over coffee & the night ended.
It's not like i've never talked to them before, but I haven't talked to them in a long while. I like catching up with old friends. You learn about them, see the life they live and understand them a little more.
look into your soul.. what kind of person you really are
H. "..and you have this sort of feeling that they can see into your soul... and I hate that"
J. "Now they see into your soul?"
H. "Don't you feel like animals look into your soul? Like an animal can see what kind of person you really are?"
I was watching Jay Leno the other day and Hugh Laurie (the central character of "House") was being interviewed. They came across talking about a photo shoot he had with a python and how he was creeped out by this animal looking into his soul. It got me wondering what if we could see into peoples souls. Just straight up see what kind of person they really are. No make up, no designer clothes, no nothing to cover up and mislead ones perspective of how this person they are looking at really is. Being able to see all of this just by looking into their window to their soul; their eyes.
Maybe we can see what kind of a person someone really is. Possibly not exact, but relatively close. I say this with first hand experience. This brings me to a day where Gino and I had an encounter for practice. He knew what was going on in my life at the moment, so he knew I was in a lot of frustration and anger and sadness at the time. But the next time we saw each other my life was turning around and everything was getting better. He knew everything was better because he saw it in my eyes and on my face. I got into his car and he said "Oh my gosh you're glowing". I didn't wear any special make up nor did I do anything to my hair, he just saw that I was happy again. There was also a time where almost the exact same thing happened but with Karl, and in this situation he didn't know what was going on in my life. He just said what he saw...
This also reminds me of another time in Toronto with Kelvin. We were at the park waiting for a tennis court to open, when we saw a pregnant woman and her husband already setting up and playing. And Kelvin said to me "wow she's at that stage where she's just glowing". She was big like any other woman going through pregnancy would be, but she really did just have this natural, enlightening glow to her.
What kind of person I really am..
-I was honestly getting sick of hip hop. Everything started sounding like T-pain, or hip-pop, or hip-hop with a mix of rock/punk/house/techno.. I wasn't triggered with excitement when "hip hop" would play like I used to feel. I used to feel this immediate urge to bob my head to the beat, and moves would come out of me like each lyric and beat was the control centre for my bodies movement. That kind of hip hop made me dance, no questions asked, it just did. I was getting sick of hip hop till I heard Blue Print numero tres. Thank you Shawn Carter.
-I like wearing almost nothing. When I'm at home, and it's room temperature on a nice day I enjoy giving my body freedom. Letting my legs move without friction within short shorts or flowy skirts kind of limits. Also giving my arms the ability to indulge in the sunlight that the windows let in. And my upper body covered only by a top that lets the air breeze in and out as it pleases.
-I love falling in love.
-I am falling in love with jazz pianist because it has no limits, nor construction to how a song must be played out. It tells an unpredictable story that you can only hear as it is being played. It moves me physically and emotionally. I swear when I started listening to it, I feel in love. It really took over my body and emotions and gave me this positive Ora and directed my mind to be optimistic. Doing anything while listening to jazz just makes life a little more care-free. Like nothing even matters; just do what is in the moment. It has become another little source of therapy.
-I'm constantly missing my boyfriend and finding so many things that pop up into my life that relates to him. Walking to work I see a little boy and his father taking him to hockey practice, driving around I see "king Edwards" everywhere, at home watching TV Jay Leno is on, and I almost NEVER watch him. There are so many things that go on through out the day its hard not to have You on my mind.
________
But maybe this is all supposed to happen. Maybe these things show up because I'm supposed to miss you because it makes me have these stronger feelings that can only be healed by your love which definitely makes me happy. I believe that everything happens for a reason...
I quote:
"Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson
or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be;
your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover
or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you
and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,
but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles
you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.
Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of the soul.
Without these small tests,if they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life and successes and down
falls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are.
Even the bad experience can be learned from...Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you,love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you,
but because they are teaching you to love
and opening your heart and eyes to things
you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment
and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen,let yourself fall in love,
break free and set your sights high.
You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life and then go out and live it!"
-Craig Lock
Life is no coincidence. Everything that happens in our lives happens because they are supposed to happen. They are destine to happened. Ever since "The Big Bang" we've all been following these strings which are "infinite decimal vibrating loops of energy" (a.k.a. the STRING THEORY)
The STRING THEORY explained by Grissom:
(on my favorite show CSI LasVegas)
If I believe that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, then it makes life's obstacles more easier to accept no matter how hard they must be to over come. Then the outcome will be the answer to why this obstacle was put before one in the first place.
ex. LIFE: Kelvin & I are happy together.. yes we are :)
OBSTACLE: Kelvin must live 4 hours away at UBO for 7months of schooling.. dun dun dunnn
OUTCOME: When he gets back it'll make our relationship that much stronger.. ahhh :) all better
I'm just soul into you.
("punny".. right babe?)
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